Well folks, I hope everyone had a day full of pranks, foolishness, and fun. I know I did.
The ASS players: Phil, Bob, and Gary want to thank everyone for coming out to see their production of "The great day of Reckoning! - A play in four acts" and hope you enjoyed it. They appreciate any donations you would be kind enough to give. What's that Gary? Oh - or beer. Mainly beer. Really folks, if you could help them out it would be sweet - it's not like they've got a lot of other things going on right now. Anyway... To borrow a quote from the great Roald Dahl - "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men." And as to the fate of our heroes (ok, that's stretching it a bit - or a lot, lol) who knows? Maybe one day, if the stars align, they will rise again to fight against the injustices of men everywhere. Or at least to make a beer run for Gary. One of those for sure. When, you ask dear friend? When? On that GREAT DAY OF RECKONING!!!! Or - next April Fool's Day, whichever comes first..
Huddle up and take a knee. Listen close. There's no girls here, right? Just us guys? Ok, I'm going to let you in on an extremely disturbing development that's just come to my attention. It turns out that women are much smarter, stronger and more resourceful than we ever imagined. Not to mention they can tell when us guys are lying with 99.827% accuracy. That's a devastating combo. Male egos everywhere - fragile enough already - are crumbling. Anyway, not sure who let this happen but yes, I'm afraid it's true. We let our guard down. Someone fell asleep at the wheel. That day we've always dreaded seems to be here. The jig is up. The end is nigh.
A great philosopher - Plato or Socrates (sorry, can't recall which) once said "After careful scientific observation I have come to the conclusion that women are actually in control because they have half the money and all the pussy." He was a great thinker and visionary who foreshadowed our current dire circumstances.
The truth is, if women didn't need us men to occasionally help them make babies we'd all be in real trouble. So we're pretty much fucked. Or not fucked - as the case may be. Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news, guys - but someone has to speak the truth around here. And we have to do something about it or suffer the consequences.
We're losing this battle of the sexes, men. Serious things are in jeopardy - our man cards, our dignity, and the God given right to fall asleep immediately after a good bj! This is our darkest hour. But there'll be a silver lining in the morning... at the end of that tunnel... Well - ok, maybe I'm mixing my metaphors... Or similes... Never could keep those two straight. Anyway - you get my point. But if we rally now this could also be known as our finest hour! The time to strike is now!
I want you to get out there and put your best game faces on. We need to turn this thing around pronto! And for Chrissakes - nobody let the girls find out what a bunch of pussies we are! They'll never let us live it down. To win the war it's absolutely essential we keep this a secret just amongst us guys. Ok? Never let them know how bad we REALLY need them! NEVER! On three - let's finish with our rallying cry - who's with me? Wait - what? No???
Guys... remember at last Tuesday's meeting? During hot wings we voted on what our rally cry would be? What's that Gary? Oh, you were too shitfaced to remember... Bob, how about you? No?... *what a surprise* Good God, it's like herding cats with you guys sometimes! Well, it was just after we had the "Help I've fallen for my provider and can't get up!" seminar. But just before the "Rescuing women who don't need rescuing" workshop. No, Bob - we talk about putting together a site where the ladies review us at NEXT Tuesday's meeting. Yes, yes - just after we talk about how big our dicks REALLY have to be to please our girls. Yes, THAT rally cry. Oh, ok you remember now? Great. Here we go - on three... all together...
1, 2, 3 - "mongers unite?"
That was absolutely pathetic! How are we going to inspire respect and possibly even loathing in the hearts of our females with THAT sorry war cry?!!! Bob, get that bucket off your head! What a bunch of misfits! Again!
1, 2, 3 - "mOngeRs UniTe?!"
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! Gary - stop drinking all the beer and get your head in the game! Jesus! Come on guys this is serious! ONCE AGAIN!!!
1, 2, 3 - "MONGERS UNITE!!!!!"
NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!!! Ok get out there and show those females we mean business!!! TAKE NO PRISONERS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uh, hold up a minute guys. Just remember when we do show them who's boss - we need to show them in the most respectful and nurturing way possible...
.......
This mini reenactment has been brought to you by the Acme Stage Stars (ASS). ASS has an open casting call to male performers of all emotional handicaps, intellectual challenges, and serious committment issues. Yes, you could say ASS is always wide open.
No feelings were harmed during the production of this play. Or at least I hope not. Right, Bob? Bob???
.......
PS: Happy April (from an old) Fool
Ok men - be on your guard. Females are a sneaky sort. You never know what devious tactics they'll use to get our intel. They bat their eyelashes, pout their lips, and bend over to pick up a pencil and the next thing you know your pants are down around your ankles and your wallet is missing! What? Oh, that's never happened to you guys? Uh. Sorry, maybe that's just me then...
But nonetheless... they're sneaky right down to the bone! Take my word for it!!! So stand fast, men. We need to show solidarity in our brotherhood for the great cause of... Quick get down!!! GIRLS!!!
Whew, that was close. We almost had our cover blown. Speaking of cover blown - Gary did you see that blonde in the blue dress walk by? Yeah? Man, what a set of cans on that one. The things I'd like to do if I could just get my hands on tho... What, Bob? The great cause?... Oh yeah, the great cause speech...
So rise up for the great cause! This first day of April! This April Fool's Day... But we won't be the playing the fool any more - right guys?! *RIGHT!!!!* This is a day of change! This is a day of RECKONING! THIS IS A DAY OF REVOLUTION!!! *HOORAH!!!!*
That's the spirit men! With that attitude we'll certainly strike fear into the hearts of our females. Or at least some respect. Or maybe they just won't laugh at us so much anymore... RALLY!!!!
Bob! - you be on lookout for any girls trying to sneak in here. Stay sharp. We can't let them break through our defenses! And get that bucket off your head, man!!! Now is our call to action!!! Let's teach these girls if you mess with the bull YOU GET THE HORNS!!!!!
Oh, sorry guys. I thought this was the meet up spot for the Female World Domination Club. I was supposed to give a talk on Messallina, Queen Mary I, Mata Hari and Boudica. Maybe it's next week.
Carry on.
We men tricked you. That's why you thought that. Good plan guys.
Guys - I told you to keep a careful lookout. You can't keep a few girls out of our sensitive strategic talks?
Well I told you they are very sneaky!
Reform defensive positions men!
Carry on.
Anyone with more than 3 functioning brain cells knows that CATS are actually in charge of humanity. They may be revered in some cultures, food in others, but they always get their way. Hell, cats even developed their own germ warfare (Toxoplasmosis) to control the minds of their alleged 'owners'.
As a 25+ yr member of NO MA'AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) - I also have the t-shirt - I can say with impunity that women are not in charge... Their feline overlords are.
You have been warned. ga_kosh
P.S. - NOT an April Fool's jok
Obviously a female spy is in our midst! Treachery and deceit! Pay he or she no mind my brothers of the great Revolution!
Women are the TRULY sneaky ones! Ok - cats ARE pretty sneaky - I'll give you that one. But they are pretty far down the list of things we have to deal with. Definitely down under the Kardashians and all those "Real housewives of... " shows. Females are the sneakiest things on the planet. Right men!!!! *HOORAH!!!!!*
As a 25+ yr member of NO MA'AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) - I also have the t-shirt - I can say with impunity that women are not in charge... Their feline overlords are.
You have been warned. ga_kosh
P.S. - NOT an April Fool's joke
“Women are the only people I am afraid of who I never thought would hurt me” - Abe Lincoln
Cats! Cats one the other, scabbed over clawed hand... are actually evil.
Like women, cats will show affection by touching noses with you, softly purring in your ear, maybe they sit on your lap while you stroke their backs.
Unlike women, when cats then decide it's time to lay on their backs either on the floor or the bed. Are they wanting your affection like a hot TER lady does? Hell, No! why? because "It's a TRAP!" That's when the cat bites your hand in that tender spot between your thumb and forefinger and use her back feet to claw the blood out of your hand leaving it looking more like hamburger than human. You curse, you scream, the cat scampers off... yet people fall for it Almost each and every time. At least once a week.
Women will hurt your wallet and your pride. Cats hurt everything with equal abandon.
BTW, I'm not a female spy...
I'm a Lesbian in Disguise, ga_kosh
I'm beginning to see your point - however I can't divert my attention from the battlefronts right now. Men, we are in a precarious position! RALLY!!!! The Great Reckoning is at hand!!!!!!!!
PS: No offense on the whole female spy thing. Hope we're cool. Heat of the battle and all that... We can talk about cats and lesbians once we have routed these sneaky females!!!!! MONGERS UNITE!!!!!
Cats! Cats one the other, scabbed over clawed hand... are actually evil.
Like women, cats will show affection by touching noses with you, softly purring in your ear, maybe they sit on your lap while you stroke their backs.
Unlike women, when cats then decide it's time to lay on their backs either on the floor or the bed. Are they wanting your affection like a hot TER lady does? Hell, No! why? because "It's a TRAP!" That's when the cat bites your hand in that tender spot between your thumb and forefinger and use her back feet to claw the blood out of your hand leaving it looking more like hamburger than human. You curse, you scream, the cat scampers off... yet people fall for it Almost each and every time. At least once a week.
Women will hurt your wallet and your pride. Cats hurt everything with equal abandon.
BTW, I'm not a female spy...
I'm a Lesbian in Disguise, ga_kosh
Yes, Untie. The only way we gonna whip these ladies is to free ourselves from the ropes of their womanly ways. The only way we cando that is with superior battle tactics.
Helpful hints for tonight's battle:
Do not stare at her boobies as they sway in front of your eyes. She's trying to Hypnotize you. The session passes faster and you don't realize it.
If she kisses your tip tonight, expect her to yell APRIL FOOL'S!
If she does, you can respond to her by using MONOPOLY $$$ for your donation.
After tonight, for future engagements with the female enemy you must remember:
Keep your weapon ever ready and have your cover handy for whenever the battle arises;
Blitzkrieg. Hit it hard, hit it fast, pound it mercilessly and she might surrender faster than France;
If you find yourself outnumbered in a threeway, remember that Murica! won a war fighting on two fronts. Allocate your strategic resources wisely and you can prevail.... or at least you can go down swinging.
That is all Men.
Semper Fi. Carry on.
General ga_kosh
P.S.- I'm not offended. It's just there are some forms of pussy that are scare me more than others. Anyone who has ever sat drearily on a toilet, only to have the crap scared out of ya by a paw suddenly reaching under the door knows exactly what I'm talking about
Yes, yes! - finally a MAN with vision! You were a man again, right? We did get all that sorted out? Of course - just checking. Again - take no offense - you never can be too careful with these sneaky females.
The resistance can use a deep thinker such as yourself. Lord knows Bob and Gary aren't getting us anywhere. I'll send you all the details in a pm - when and where the next meeting will be. Perhaps you'd be so kind as to draft all these outstanding ideas into a powerpoint presentation??? Maybe with a nice easy to read arial font? But don't use animations as it just gets poor Bob all confused. Our speaker for the "How much do I need to tip my provider again?" segment fell through and we have an unexpected opening. You would be perfect! You man of vision you!!!
And one small favor - could you bring some hot wings too? Bob loves them. I'm sure it would secure his vote as we put you on the ballot for "Military Strategic Intelligence Officer (and feline phobic guy)".
Oh, and if you could bring beer too - you'd be a shoo-in. That get's Gary's vote every time.
Helpful hints for tonight's battle:
Do not stare at her boobies as they sway in front of your eyes. She's trying to Hypnotize you. The session passes faster and you don't realize it.
If she kisses your tip tonight, expect her to yell APRIL FOOL'S!
If she does, you can respond to her by using MONOPOLY $$$ for your donation.
After tonight, for future engagements with the female enemy you must remember:
Keep your weapon ever ready and have your cover handy for whenever the battle arises;
Blitzkrieg. Hit it hard, hit it fast, pound it mercilessly and she might surrender faster than France;
If you find yourself outnumbered in a threeway, remember that Murica! won a war fighting on two fronts. Allocate your strategic resources wisely and you can prevail.... or at least you can go down swinging.
That is all Men.
Semper Fi. Carry on.
General ga_kosh
P.S.- I'm not offended. It's just there are some forms of pussy that are scare me more than others. Anyone who has ever sat drearily on a toilet, only to have the crap scared out of ya by a paw suddenly reaching under the door knows exactly what I'm talking about.
OK gentlemen, look lively - we're moving our operations into the war room now as things have escalated. We're officially at DEFCON 5. Or is it 1? Gary, does it go down or up? I never can keep that straight. Code orange? What the hell is code orange? Good grief guys don't you ever read the newsletter I send out? It has all the emergency protocols very clearly explained. Well look, whatever it is, it's pretty damn serious. Security breaches, spies in our midst, probiotic yogurts, hand sanitizers, cats - clearly society is spiraling out of control!
But take heart - the good news is we've come up with an excellent plan. Our battlefront initiative against the females is brilliant in its military strategy, let's use the tactical battlefield map right here in the war room - see, we create a diversion right *here*... What's that Bob? Ok ok. Yes I know. It's technically not a war room, it's your garage. Yeah, and our tactical battle map is your pool table. Ok? No, I haven't seen the cue ball. Or the rack. No - I haven't seen your favorite stick either. Look guys - let's concentrate here. Serious things are afoot...
Wait? What was that noise? GIRLS!!!
Bob? Bob...? get that damn bucket off your head! A fine lookout you turned out to be! The females have breached our defenses!!! Gary - put the beer down and DO SOMETHING!!!
Guys quick! Switch to plan B. Plan B... B as in "Bravo". Not "D", "B" - who the fuck has a plan D anyway? That's idiotic. What Gary? Yes - someone WAS supposed to come up with plan B. Yes that WAS your homework assignment. Oh, you passed out after drinking all that beer and didn't do your homework? You guys never do your homework! Seriously, how are you ever going to get ahead in life without doing a little homework now and then?
You don't remember last week we discussed it at the meeting? No - it was right after the "How many O's does it take to TRULY please our women?" powerpoint presentation. But right before the "Clingy? Creepy? Count me in!" video we watched. No Bob, we talk about the top three things we look for in a provider at our NEXT meeting. Ok - yes, THAT homework assignment...
Eh, what's that Gary? Speak up... It's all good? Everything's going to be ok? We're fine? Because Bob came up with a Plan B.
Oh Mother of God - we're all doomed.
Maybe if we just peacefully hand over our testicles now and ask for unconditional surrender the girls will show mercy on us. All those in favor of that as the new plan say "aye"... AYE!!!
No girls for sure this time, right? No spies in our midst? The coast is clear? Ok... good... Time for a status report.
Well men, the day is almost over. The battle is done. You fought well. Actually you didn't - we got our asses totally kicked by a bunch of girls. It was a humiliating defeat really. We were completely routed. But in the end they turned out to be a truly worthy adversary. A great and powerful enemy. Also they kept flashing their tits at us which did nothing to help our concentration. Dammit! Who knew women were so devious and cunning? And would use tactics we have absolutely no defense for. It's downright unsportsmanlike conduct I say. But no matter, we won't make the same mistakes next time. Right men? *RIGHT!*
Even though we lost - miserably, I might add (once again) - we stood up for ourselves. That's the important thing. We fought the good fight. We stood up for all things MEN!!! This is a great day of RECKONING! THIS IS A GREAT DAY OF REVOLUTI.... Eh? What's that Bob? Speak up. Oh ok. I'll tell them.
Bob wants to apologize for letting everyone down today. But before any of you, my brothers in arms, cast the first stone at Bob let me tell you his story. It is a tragic tale indeed. Then, maybe you'll understand and have pity on him...
You see, not so long ago Bob was an intelligent, well liked, respected member of this community. He was always quick to jump into a discussion and lend a hand, make folks laugh, and brighten up their day. He was well spoken, helpful and knowledgeable about most things in general. Sure, some days he was long winded - verging on being a pompous ass really. Some even went so far as to call him an arrogant, judgemental douchebag because he acted like he knew everything - just pouncing on every thread the minu... What's that, Bob? I'm not helping your case? Oh sorry...
Anyway, somehow Bob gets it in his head that he can have a sixsome (that's five ladies at the same time, gentlemen) for only 1700 an hour. I could kill the sonofabitch that put that crazy idea into his head! I mean, what sick, twisted fuck could even think up such a death wish? My God - the humanity... Huh? Oh sorry. Got a bit carried away there. Anyway, to make a long story short, Bob hasn't been the same ever since.
But think, gentlemen - think - who amongst us could go toe to toe with five - FIVE - top Atlanta providers simultaneously and come out on the other side unscathed? Who amongst us? WHAT SAY YOU??? *HOORAH!!!!* God knows if I'd had a sensory overload like that I'd probably have my head in a bucket too. But at least he went out doing what he loved - that's all any of us could ever hope for. Bob's a cautionary tale and hero for all us men so let's give him his due. And forgive him his trespasses.
Bob - be at ease, you fought valiantly today, old friend. Well... at least you got off the sofa that one time which is more than Gary did. Speaking of - Gary, next time you're bringing the beer. You're costing this war effort a fortune! Jesus.
Brothers - one final thought before we lay down our war weary bones for the evening. Some day soon I want you to once again heed the call of the Great Reckoning. We'll beat those sneaky females yet! We'll cast off our shackles of oppression. Our shackles of oppression such as... uh... hang on... gimme a sec... Manscaping *yeah!!!* Axe body spray *Yeah!!!* and having to put the toilet seat down every fucking time we use it, right guys? *YEAHHHH!!!!!!!!* How 'bout them shackles?!!!!
But for now - we must be patient. We'll wait and we'll watch and we'll plan. Yes, we'll nod and smile as they prattle on about their shoes and their hair and their Groupons... But on that glorious day, brothers, in the near future - perhaps next April 1st (it seems strangely fitting) we shall rise up! And they won't even know what hit them. We shall take back our discussion boards, we shall take back our bedrooms, we shall take back our lazyboys, and we shall take back our tv remote controls... and turn off that damned Dr. Phil, he's really annoying - right guys? *RIGHT!!!*
So remember, my brothers in arms, on that great day when I tap you on the shoulder and whisp... What's that, Bob? No, I won't literally tap you on the shoulder, I'll send you a pm or email. Ok? And no, I won't actually whisper in your ear... Look - it's just an expression, ok? Guys, stick with me here - we're almost finished... On that great day - heed the call. Heed the call to RISE UP! For it will surely come. The day I tap you on the shoulder and whisper in your ear that rallying call - "Mongers Unite!". *HOORAH!!!*
That's it, we're done here. This emergency meeting is now adjourned. Hold your heads high, go out tonight, have a cold one and get yourselves laid. You've all earned it.
Except for Gary - lazy motherfucker.
Well folks, I hope everyone had a day full of pranks, foolishness, and fun. I know I did.
The ASS players: Phil, Bob, and Gary want to thank everyone for coming out to see their production of "The great day of Reckoning! - A play in four acts" and hope you enjoyed it. They appreciate any donations you would be kind enough to give. What's that Gary? Oh - or beer. Mainly beer. Really folks, if you could help them out it would be sweet - it's not like they've got a lot of other things going on right now. Anyway...
To borrow a quote from the great Roald Dahl - "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."
And as to the fate of our heroes (ok, that's stretching it a bit - or a lot, lol) who knows? Maybe one day, if the stars align, they will rise again to fight against the injustices of men everywhere. Or at least to make a beer run for Gary. One of those for sure. When, you ask dear friend? When? On that GREAT DAY OF RECKONING!!!! Or - next April Fool's Day, whichever comes first..
I think he said us ladies are allowed now? Lol
Hugs and kisses
TL
Let me answer fully and categorically as you ask a very important question:
1) Since when do you need to have a point to post anything around here?
2) What day was it?
3) Humor is an amazing thing. It can defuse confrontational situations between people and build bridges amongst those of very differing opinions. When you make someone laugh they are much more likely to see your point of view (or at least not punch you in the face so much). People that laugh often have lower blood pressure, less stress, and generally live longer, healthier lives.
In summary, humor is a very powerful tool.
Perhaps you should try it sometime.
4) What TL said...
5) Bob says take that bucket off your head.
There you go - we all encourage you by next April Fool's to take a "Yes, and..." improv class.
And now that you mention it, yes I am especially fond of number 3. Took me a minute to think of that one.
Good day sir.
I said good day!
..
Is an unhappy customer. Here, let me refund you your money sir. Oh wait...
Thank you for bringing the matter to my attention.