Wow, I just turned 30 (and so did my fiancee and ATF). You are good Love Goddess.
I love my Sig Other, but the passion seems to be gone after 10 years. We are both 30, and we have sex maybe twice a month. I am not being fulfilled sexually with her. We don't kiss passionately. My ATF and I kissed like teenagers. My fiancee is a hottie, but I feel I need more. I would probably feel this way with anyone I end up with. If I were with Angelina Jolie I would probably feel this way.
I often feel shitty because I feel that as a man, as a human, I am so fucking weak. I have no will power.
I promised myself that once I get married I would quit the hobby and quit cheating in general. I KNOW I can't keep that promise to myself.
At this point, I don't know what I am asking. I just want to hear that it is possible to have a monogamous relationship.
I really suck right now. I recently proposed to my girlfriend of 10 years. The night prior to me proposing, I met a beautiful stripper who wanted me to take her home (for a fee). She is the hottest girl to ever offer up her services to me (think Demi Moore), and I was deeply flattered by it. I accepted her offer and we had a tremendous time and connection (good actress?). Good thing she lives in Southern Cali, and good thing she called me a week later asking for $500 (I guess she thought I was an ATM machine) or else I could have easily fallen for her.
Now this past week comes by, and my ATF was coming to my town after going back to her country (unnamed country in Eastern Europe). She was my first GFE with a lady of leisure, and she made me feel like a king that first time. She made kissing seem better than the sex, and we kissed like it was going out of style. Even offered up my first trip to the Greek Isles at no extra charge. Well it has been 2 years since that mind blowing experience, and in my heart of hearts I hoped she would remember me. When she opened the door, it was pretty obvious she didn't. It didn't matter, as the passion was still there. I tried to spark some memory of our first time, mentioning that our birthdates were 2 days apart, and other silly shit like that. As hot as she was, I'm sure sure my fellow hobbyist's faces, penises and jizzes all kind of blended into a mishmash of what she has done in the past to pay the bills. But the kissing was spectacular (the sex was mind blowing too) and it was hard not to fall for her once again. We really clicked, and she went as far as telling me her real name, giving me her email address and cell phone number. I asked her to spray her perfume on the piece of paper she wrote this info, and even left her lovely lip imprint on there too (I hold onto this thing like the Holy Grail).
She said she enjoyed taking pics, and busted out her camera. While we were all sweaty she took a nice pic of us on the bed. Looking at her pics I spied some pics of the Golden Gate Bridge and some fat bald dude that took her to see it. We took another as I left.
I wanted to see her again, and offered up dinner for the next night. I didn't think it would happen, but she did call and we did have a great dinner. As we left, we kissed deeply on a very busy street. I've got lots of friends in the City and at that point I didn't care who saw. I swear we made out for like 10 minutes.
She had an appointment after our dinner so I walked her to her hotel. I didn't think she would like me walking in with her, but we sat in the lobby and continued to be affectionate with each other. When the time came, I offered to come by the next night for a sleep over and give her a ride to the airport the next morning. She said okay, and I should call her the next day. Mind you, I paid for the dinner but for no more. I guess the kissing was free.
The next night I had a feeling she would be spent or had a better offer from someone willing to pay. I was right in that feeling and when I called, she did say she was tired. I thanked her for her time and wished her the best.
Who wouldn't fall for a woman like this? I just purchased a condo with my fiancee, my first home ever, and all I can think about is this other woman. I am thinking I should probably leave the hobby, or just not see her again because these feelings I feel for her are really strong and draining me. In my heart of hearts I hope to never see her ad again, and that her and her husband (yes she is married) live happily ever after.
My question is: should I leave the hobby to avoid these silly feelings, or just avoid GFE providers (specifically my ATF)?
Sorry for the long SOB story, just had to let it out.
Oh dear, He Hate Me {interesting alias,]
This certainly is a screenful. As to what you should do? I think I need more information as to your relationship with your fiancee. From just a few first decipherings of your post, I'd shoot a quick one - no, don't leave the hobby, leave your Significant Other. For your sake - and for hers.
Here you are, falling for this one, that one...and not a single word about your feelings for the person with whom you're buying a condo and marrying. In some way - and again, it's only an inference and a "feeling" I get from reading your post - I don't think it matters that these girls are strippers, providers, ATFs, etc. I think you could easily fall in love with a civilian as well. Are you sure you are ready to settle down at all? Are you sure you aren't bored with that whole relationship, after 10 years?
You're not stating your age, but am I wrong in assuming you just turned 30 - or are you even younger? And you've been with the same person for 10 years? Maybe you need to slow down a little. Sow a few more wild oats, not just by hobbying, but by meeting all sorts of women.
It would be interesting to find out how you feel about your intended. Care to fill in the blanks?
Wondering,
the Love Goddess
That it is possible to continue to hobby and to be married and do all that which a married man is expected to do.
I did it for twenty years before my luck ran out (along with a lot of my $), and many on this board do also.
It's called eating your cake and having it too.
But it is risky, so you have to assess the odds and own your decision.
If you get your new wife to go along with it, more power to you. That's the equivilant of hitting the Powerball Jackpot.
re the jackpot that is.
Most people, and probably more women than men, want a stable, loving, passionate and EXCLUSIVE relationship with a mate. At the beginning of a relationship or a marriage that hope is at its peak. If the guy is not ready to commit to his fiance, and his ready ability to become emotionally attached to whatever quim flutters his way suggests he is not, then he ought to cut her loose. It's not fair to her, unless she's the lottery prize. Remember the scene in "Wedding Crashers" when Jeremy tells Gloria he's ready to take it to the next level, and she thinks he means a three or foursome? The reason that's funny is that that dream never comes true, it's a guy fantasy. She's the perfect girl/wife.
Wow, I just turned 30 (and so did my fiancee and ATF). You are good Love Goddess.
I love my Sig Other, but the passion seems to be gone after 10 years. We are both 30, and we have sex maybe twice a month. I am not being fulfilled sexually with her. We don't kiss passionately. My ATF and I kissed like teenagers. My fiancee is a hottie, but I feel I need more. I would probably feel this way with anyone I end up with. If I were with Angelina Jolie I would probably feel this way.
I often feel shitty because I feel that as a man, as a human, I am so fucking weak. I have no will power.
I promised myself that once I get married I would quit the hobby and quit cheating in general. I KNOW I can't keep that promise to myself.
At this point, I don't know what I am asking. I just want to hear that it is possible to have a monogamous relationship.
Hate to break it to you, HHM, but if you're bored with your SO now its likely to continue after marriage and it will most likely become even less fulfilling over time. Happens to most marriages and you're already saying it before you're married!
Likely that you'll continue in the hobby and possibly even start looking for an affair. You sound like a man who is caving in to the pressure to marry. DON'T DO IT UNTIL YOU YOURSELF FEEL 100% READY with out any outside pressure. I promise you that if you marry under the present circumstances you are asking for trouble.
Been there, and done that. I only wish I had gotten this advice before my first marriage. Yes, I ended up divorced and started out in precisely your circumstances and it was a HUGE error in judgement.
Search your soul in a time when you can be 100% honest with yourself and you may find that you're not really getting married because you TOTALLY want it for yourself.
My two cents. Hope it gives you pause and some insight into your motivations.
eom
Thanks LG. Experience talking. Life is upside down. I wish I had the wisdom that I have now when I was younger! Now I have less opportunity (alot less) but so much more wisdom. When I was young I had SO MUCH opportunity and SO LITTLE wisdom!!!
That's life I guess.
-- Modified on 7/26/2006 2:54:00 AM
The real question is, and you have to answer this for yourself, everyone is different:
Is it worth it?
If it's not welcome, I'm sorry, please don't read it. 
You haven't flourished as an autonomous adult yet. You are feeling that pull right now because your mind knows this isn't right. Life follows a bit of a path, before you get married, I believe you should be out there learning who you are, as a basic, fundamental human being. What are your likes, dislikes, how do you feel about abortion, mongomy, the President, and everything in between? Do you know? Are you sure?
I don't have very long to type, otherwise I could go on and on because I've been in your shoes, minus the marriage I knew wasn't right so I ended. You'r3e 30 chronologically, but I think mentally you're somewhere in the area of 21 or 22 because you haven't allowed yourself that time to flourish and learn who you are and what you, just you, like and don't like, need and don't need, want and don't want, etc.
So, I think I agree with the Love Goddess. You need to end this relationship with your divorcee to be before it gets to that point and you waste anymore years. Yes, I know it's hard, there are family expectations, etc. but you have to implement your backbone and literally be selfish and do what is right for you, as an excelling human being in life.
Good luck,
Andi
Dear He Hate Me,
Please heed the excellent advice of Andi Ryan and mrfisher.
As to your own statement "if I were with Angelina Jolie, I would probably feel this way," it tells me that you really need to explore your life. Continue exploring yourself, regardless of what you may find. You're on to something right now, don't lose it. Keep going, please. It has less to do with will power and more to do with knowing where your preferences and/or limits are within you.
And yes...can you put a hold on the marriage? Get to know yourself a little better, and maybe you won't be making such promises at all. When we lie to ourselves, we engage in "bad faith," and it makes us feel existentially "nauseated" with ourselves.
One last thing: it's possible to have a monogamous relationship. Not everyone in the world has extramarital relationships or engages in the hobby. But you may not be one of those guys. And, since the realization is causing such distress to you, why bother putting yourself in a distressing situation at all?
Thank you Andi Ryan for your contribution and your advice to He Hate Me,
the Love Goddess
Thank you all for the grand advice. I agree with many of the points you all make. I love my fiancee deeply. My visit w/ my ATF threw my emotions into a blender. I have decided not to see her again, as when I visit w/ other non-GFE providers my world does not get flipped upside-down.
Kudos to the Erotic Highway for getting me back into the flow of traffic, albeit in the far right lane. Keep you fingers crossed for me.
I am a little surprised no one has mentioned the following to He Hate Me:
DO NOT HAVE KIDS until your are sure of what's going on. A divorce is bad, but a divorce with kids is a disaster (for everyone).
eom
a divorce, and I speak from experience, is like a marriage, what you make of it. Maybe not the ideal situation, but I've seen many that are far better than the marriages they succeded, for all concerned, adults and children