I told my dream girl SB that I was not exactly unattached and I could see the immediate change in her eyes. I don't know how she didn't figure it out before, given that we only met at her place or hotels, perhaps in denial. But now she said she's not comfortable breaking up a home.
The last time we met, after I told her, the intimacy was gone, and she barely even kissed me. I could feel her hesitation. Everything's different, and although nothing was specifically said, I'm pretty certain our next meeting will be our last. I'm an absolute wreck about this.
Just venting. Again, no one offline to discuss this with. I haven't been heartbroken like this in years. I really believed I had finally found the one I was really meant to be with all my life, and now I'm just bewildered that I felt compelled to come clean and ruin everything. Anyone who's been through this before have any words of wisdom?
First of all, sorry to hear that. It definitely sucks when one person ends a relationship on the other abruptly. I can totally sympathize.
So I guess the question is now... how to salvage the relationship with the SB. You definitely put her in a difficult position if you started the relationship with her thinking you're single when you're not. Presumably, you are still with your wife/SO for some reason... kids maybe? In my mind, you have two options... neither which are guaranteed... 1) become unattached... i.e. - leave your SO. This may or may not work bc your SB might feel guilty for being a "home-wrecker" and/or may not forgive you for the initial deceit. 2) Take the Kobe Bryant approach and try to buy your way out of it with a substantial apology gift. Downside of this is that she may accept the apology gift and break up with you a week later.
You'll probably hear all the "plenty of fish in the sea" cliches but of course those never help in the moment. I'm still not exactly following how you thought she was "the one you were going to spend the rest of your life" with when you're attached, but I guess it's a moot point. You may have to face that the situation with SB may not be salvageable, in which case, give yourself some time to mourn the relationship and then try to find another SB when you're ready. Also, next time you're on SA, change you're status to "Married but Looking" and save yourself some future heartache.
Hang in there!
Thanks for the encouraging words! No kids, but an SO. And yeah, I never expected things to progress to this point in an SR. Honestly, I hadn't had much success there so expectations were low. Will have to keep your advice in mind in the future.
-- Modified on 10/21/2016 8:32:42 PM
ALL of them can't stand being lied to!!! I can't stress this enough. The OP got himself into this situation by lying about his relationship status and I suspect the SB is more upset by the dishonesty than she is about the wife. I'm sorry to sound so unsympathetic. I'm not really. I know how hurt it feels when a SB I really cared about broke things off for personal reasons. But I am always totally honest about my relationship status, my health status, my financial condition, etc. Look, it's true some girls will pass if they know you are married. But that's a good thing! Then the only ones who do rspond to you are the ones who will accept you as you really are. I can't tell you how many SB have told me they hate a guy who lies to them. Just don't.
But maybe I've just not totally wrapped my brain around this whole SB/SD thing yet
The Sugar World has some very different rules. In hookerland married guys aren't just allowed, but they are actually preferred. In the Sugar World, "Many" of the young ladies refuse to knowingly be the "other woman" Not all of course, but many.
Believe it or not, a LOT of POT SB's will get very offended if your introductory message says anything along the lines of "how much?" Go figure, right?
Hookerland = Toon Town.
SB land = Twilight Zone.
Is that more or less it
I think this indeed is a quite accurate summation. Myself, have probably have had too much time in Toon Town to successfully recalibrate to a dating world in which, "not only must you measure up to all of my personal dating standards, but don't forget the envelope, as well!"
Some people see sugar dating as the "worst of both worlds" as you not only have to have the money with which to play/pay, but you also have to have enough social skills to bed a woman, often 30 years younger than you, who is NOT an unabashed prostitute. Yes, I can see how many guys would see this as a lose/lose situation.
Personally, I love the Sugar Bowl. I consider the Sugar Sites as screening mechanisms for young women who at least have "some" interest in an older guy. It cuts the odds down to a very manageable number IMO. I have no desire to go out to college bars to see if my game is good enough to get women 35 years younger than me to hop into my bed. The odds are hugely stacked against me and I am going to spend 99% of my time getting rejected, Not acceptable odds for this gambler. The Sugar Bowl OTOH puts the odds hugely in my favor, I don't lie on my profile, so any woman who responds to me already knows my age, and my lack of GQ looks, lol. If she is still willing to meet with me, I am confident I am going to seal the deal with the overwhelming majority of the women I see. It's still not a guarantee of course, and gives me at least the "illusion" that these young women are giving themselves at least partly because they "like" me.
Of course unlike many guys here, I have NEVER sworn off civvie women, and unlike many guys in the Sugar World I have most definitely never sworn off hookers either, nor do I ever plan to. lol
...and to your point, when I objectively step back and tally results of my 4 meets via SA:
- ages 20-27
- 1 of 4 sex on first date followed by two overnights
- 2 other first dates ending with light to heavy make outs...probably more available 2nd date but never reached that point as i subsequently found miss near unicorn above and devoted resources and time to her alone (well, not counting a couple escort sessions during those 4 weeks).
So yeah, not getting those results at age 50 outside of hookerland...I guess my problem is wading thru all the
catfisher or whatevers and other time consuming efforts, to get to the point of having the date...and then after finding a near unicorn, having her gone after 3 encounters...
Also many of the SBs I've been courting know full well that I am married and like it. They figure its one means I am probably not going to "fall in love" with them. They are right because I have no delusions that I am going to change my situation at home.
My local SB and I were talking about that very thing yesterday. She knows just how careful I have to be so as not to get in trouble when I see her. She's a quasi-pro as GaGa would put it, but she likes the pursuit, the ability to pick who she fucks, the extra time together, and of course the money.
...Relegated to the goddamn FRIEND ZONE yesterday...by a SUGAR BABY...and I have no spouse presently nor past, and no children. How in hell do you wrap your mind around that?
Well, I cannot. I declined her offer of friendship and wished her well. And yes, I have a sunken feeling not experienced in some time.
Lesson learned: too much conversation and soul reveal, not enough mandating of servicing daddy from bended knee. Probably back to hookers for me.
You have a Nat, i'll have a Padron 1964. Cheers
Don't give up yet, man. Maybe you just need to be clearer in you communications/expectations. First meet should be to establish connection and terms. Next meet should be BCD. There should be no f***king friend zone. If any chick even LOOKS like she's thinking that, cut bait IMMEDIATELY and on to the next one. Don't even think about wasting time on chicks like that.
In my haste in attempt to keep my post brief, I was not clear that this was a current SB, not prospective. Three meets over the last month, all with sex included. We scheduled a 4th meet Wednesday evening for Thursday evening overnight date - same as prior two dates. Less than an hour before our scheduled date, an angst-ridden phone call involving a bad dream stemming from an earlier conversation in which she confided to a friend what she was doing...30 minutes later a text saying she was no longer comfortable having sex, but enjoyed my company and would be glad to join me for dutch dinner. I declined and wished her well.
I have spent much more time thinking about it than I thought I would, as I liked her and she had deleted her SA account after our third date, giving me her number at that point. I might start a separate thread on it, with more details provided, if I can get around to it before forgetting said details. Logging in here, I saw this thread and chuckled that someone else had just found their feelings being quashed as result of being dropped. Did not want to distract from the issue presented by the original poster, but wanted to offer a humorous condolence with my story.
Gotcha. This reminds me of a story from when I was younger. When I was a sophomore in college, I started dating a really hot freshman. It was her first time living away from home and we hit it off really well. Only problem was she was Catholic and a virgin. We dated about 3-4 weeks and she would basically let me do everything but fuck her. I was young and impatient and I got a little frustrated by this and I ended breaking up with her telling her I was looking for a more "physical" relationship. Well the moral of the story is that 2 months later she gave it up to another guy.
Clearly, you can probably see the parallel to your own story. Imo it sounds like she is having a bit of a bit of an ethical crisis with the whole sex-for-money thing and exposing herself to her friend... but that doesn't mean that sooner or later she wont be able to wrap her brain around it and be back on SA looking for another SD. She clearly enjoys your company if she's willing to spend time with you Dutch. If you give her a little time, she may come back around to the idea of being your SB, but if you burn that bridge and shun her, she may just end up being someone else's SB after you have laid all the groundwork.
If it were me and I liked her, I would continue to see her Dutch and let her get comfortable with you and the idea of being your SB. If after a couple months, she's no closer to jumping back in bed with you, then you can feel comfortable cutting her loose and looking for someone new. You might be pleasantly surprised though if you appear to consider her needs and give her a little space to digest her current angst and put it behind her. If everything thing is Dutch for now, while she figures things out, the only thing you have to lose is time
I believe you have read the situation very well, thanks. I did not fully consider the implications to her dilemma the conversation with her friend might bring simply by nature of the exposure itself to her friend. Nor at first did I really grasp that if she was willing to drive to me (45 minutes) for dutch dinner that there might still be potential down the road. I was just focused on the immediacy of the physical/intimate rejection after being told less than 24 hours that she had had found her ideal arrangement in me (accompanied with an erotic semi-nude pic), and consequently spending much of the day prepping the house and myself for her arrival. Also in the back of my mind as this conversation was taking place: 1) that we had agreed upon $400 for overnights, and I voluntarily upped that to $500 before the first overnight took place; 2) physically, our previous overnight consisted of very little actual sex, no oral required of her, mostly just kissing and snuggling.
Wow, what getting old with years of pay for play in the rear view can do to a man's perspective.
Removed from the immediacy of the situation, I was beginning to grasp her dilemma more fully, and your post further clarified the matter and reinforced that maybe she in fact was having an honest to god internal conflict. I texted her Sunday evening explaining that with more time and proper reflection I have a better handle on her perspective and that I would be open to seeing her simply for dinner/discussion out and that I would be happy to buy. So far silence, and I am guessing that even as I have had time to gain clarity on her dilemma, she has formed an opinion that my rejection of her offer for dutch dinner indicates that I cannot understand that she "is not a prostitute", if you will.
The frustration in all this for me is that in my area, I have very little options via SA as to what I was hoping to find (college educated or pursuing, not in a serious relationship, no children etc)...instead lots of catfishing, quasi pros/moonlighting dayshift strippers, and chicks thinking their sugar "daddy" is supposed to be no more than 10 years or so older, tall, and with a full head of hair (none of which, of course, am I)
Thanks again for your well worded and insightful thoughts.
"Hi Professor - sorry for delay in getting back to you. I think you were right in the beginning to let this ride because I'm not interested in having an arrangement right now. I apologize for the abrupt change, one of my worse qualities is that I'm quite fickle. But I wish you the best!"
My response: "save my number - if your fickleness pendulum swings back i will be glad to hear from you...cheers."
Hell, I should be directing those funds to a boat upgrade, anyway.
LOL. Fuck it. Easy come, easy go. NEXT!
That happened to me as well. She got a BF and she said she would still like to hangout. I explained to her that she is too hot for me not to want to fuck her. She didnt like that.
Knowing her I give her and her BF less than 8 weeks. Shes bipolar imo.
Well, I cannot. I declined her offer of friendship and wished her well. And yes, I have a sunken feeling not experienced in some time.
Lesson learned: too much conversation and soul reveal, not enough mandating of servicing daddy from bended knee. Probably back to hookers for me.
You have a Nat, i'll have a Padron 1964. Cheers.
I detected signs of high emotional/mental fragility with this one...and she noted in a follow up text (see my post "and an update") that one of her worst qualities is fickleness.
She has a psychology degree and I swear as a group they must have a higher ratio of psyche disfunction than any other major...
I am convinced that many SB's pass me by because of the married but looking status. I figured it was best to be honest from the beginning. Some SB's put in there profile 'no married men.' They are either worried about drama from being discovered as the other woman or don't want to be a homewrecker.
I was chatting with SB#3 the other day after a hot sex session who I have seen about 4-5 times. I went into the whole explanation once again of how I am in a platonic marriage and all but she was still freaked out a little by the idea of things. SB #1 and 2 both have been around for a year so they are good with things. Gonna meet with potential #4 this weekend for an intro chat. Lol Can't get enough.
Whenever I start communicating with an SB, I always tell her I live with my GF so I am not looking for any serious relationship. Some tell me they are not comfortable with it or that's not what they are looking for. We wish each other luck and move on. All my SB's know I have a live-in GF and I know some have BF's. Far less drama down the road this way.
1. you were going to spend your life with a SB? Sounds like both of you are in denial.
2. They're not hookers. Maybe a close cousin, but they don't see things the same way. I'd never hook up with a SB who didn't know my status after the first M&G.
I've never had an SR like this. Honestly, it was the first really good SR I've experienced, so I had a totally different set of expectations. Good point about being more upfront, just never thought it would be an issue.
That sucks buddy! There isn't a good ending in this scenario. But, it would help us to understand the situation more if you wouldn't mind sharing the initial meeting with her about your relationship status. First of all, how did you list it on the site? Secondly, did she ever ask you about it when you first met? If she did and you lied about it, then you're pretty much screwed. Did she ever make comments about hating or disliking guys that were in relationships and searching for SB's? On a side note, did you have the impression from her that she was seeing multiple SD's or were you in an exclusive arrangement?
How many times had you seen her and did it progress from a paid arrangement to a no payment arrangement? Did you talk or text every day with her? Were you at the point of expressing feelings towards each other?
There's just alot of variables to consider before being able to determine if it's able to be repaired. If you care to share, great. If not, we totally understand. Good luck Bro!
I listed as single, which I honestly didn't think would matter. I hadn't had much luck in the SR scene, and to be honest the women I had met didn't make me think I would ever care that my status was inaccurate. This was the first mind-blowing, everything clicks connection I'd made, the best by far of any online dating for that matter. She never said anything about not dating attached people, but then again I suppose there was no reason for her to do so.
I didn't think we were exclusive, but I saw that she never logged back online after we met. I rarely logged in myself, except to respond to messages.
We did talk or text almost every day, and it didn't go to a completely allowance free arrangement, but it did reach the point where I wasn't giving an allowance every time. I mentioned in other posts that she even expressed surprise sometimes when I gave her something and would say I didn't have to do that. I feel like it got to the point where she wasn't expecting it but appreciated the help.
No discussion about "feelings," but it felt like it was developing pretty naturally. The whole reason this situation came up was because she kept asking about spending longer times together, like overnights and weekends, and I had to keep putting it off. Eventually I just felt compelled to come clean.
that any (or most) SB(s) who say(s): "single men only" is looking for a mate, perhaps unconsciously?
To me, that's one hell of a flashing red light
many of these girls have a "single men only" policy, I can't imagine any of these girls is looking for a "mate" over three times her age.
I certainly don't worry about any of the "under 21" crowd ever "falling for me" Unless a woman is at least close to thirty I really don't see any real BF/GF possibilities for us, and even then I am twice her age, but I am handsome, charming, and most importantly "modest" so I can see a woman half my age falling for me, but even I am not delusional enough to think an 18 year old girl with her entire life ahead of her is going to ever even contemplate spending "forever" with an old man. No matter how charming, witty and "modest" he is. lol
1. Cut off your greying ponytail. It makes you look ridiculous.
2. Get rid of those cheesy polyester suits in your closet--especially that lime green one. While you're rummaging in your closet, toss out those horrid white leather shoes. And don't even think about giving those clothes to charity. The poor wouldn't be caught dead wearing that shit.
3. Do something constructive for once in your misbegotten life and go visit your grandchildren--for the first time. You don't have any grandchildren? No problem. Go visit somebody else's grandchildren. Those kids have a lot to reach a seedy old tinhorn like you.
1. Cut off your greying ponytail. It makes you look ridiculous.
2. Get rid of those cheesy polyester suits in your closet--especially that lime green one. While you're rummaging in your closet, toss out those horrid white leather shoes. And don't even think about giving those clothes to charity. The poor wouldn't be caught dead wearing that shit.
3. Do something constructive for once in your misbegotten life and go visit your grandchildren--for the first time. You don't have any grandchildren? No problem. Go visit somebody else's grandchildren. Those kids have a lot to reach a seedy old tinhorn like you
Yup, could have made the title a lot shorter by stating that hypocrisy is in force in a major way when it comes to both SDs and SBs regarding this topic of exclusivity and there lack of.
The Unicorn and I are still together but I started feeling a bit of fatigue when we met a couple of nights ago although the night went really well BCD. That said, I had a feeling that I had gotten "bumped" for a prior meeting scheduled before I latest meeting a couple of nights ago (nothing substantive to corroborate my claim, but been done that to by plenty of hookers to recognize that "feeling").
I still bit my tongue and didn't fly off the handle because I know and of and also trust in my abilities to turn things around to my favor when I have the SB in front of me rather than having her play the txt game with me when she's in a comfort zone thus able to BS me through her teeth.
So where are we now?:
Although nothing definitive, I KNOW that she sees other SD(s). Simply put, I don't think that my current allowance is enough which is a fact that I am willing to accept otherwise I will have to ante up the allowance which is something I am NOT prepared to do. Further, I know that this Unicorn enjoys traveling longer trips, etc; longer that a one night stand or a getaway for ac couple of days which is what I can afford both in terms of time and $$$$.
All the above said, this comes from the mind of a rational man! If the scenario was flipped on its head; the Unicorn would exercise her right to bail on me in a NY minute! Why?! Women are not rational in a cerebral sense and we (men) do not get their visceral logic!
What does this have to do with the OP? Well, nothing on the surface but if you scratch the surface, everything!!! Case in point: If the OP thought that the only thing holding this sense of exclusivity together would have been his "disclosure" of being single; he is just wrong! What he cited is one of the biggest pitfalls of a Sugar relationship because it feels real whereas more often than not, it is just a fantasy! I am now looking forward to the asinine threads of "I've fallen for my SB and can not seem to get up" akin to the sh*t we see on the GD Forum!
I had told my dream SB the truth right in the beginning and though she initially met me a couple of times thinking she could still have an arrangement with a married guy, she changed her mind later as she thought it was not morally ok with her. And yes I was heartbroken cause providers are totally different than the whole Sugarland game.
I would say move on, this experience will help you play better game with the next SB. Or just go back to hookers if your heart can't take this anymore.