1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet
of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured
if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends
and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You
must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before
throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to
clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife
next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again
later). 14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem
that other people smell his produce.