Lady is taking golf lessons.  She's so bad the instructor tells her they need to start all over from the beginning.  Grip is first.  He asks to see how she grips the club. Not good.  After several frustrating minutes the instructor tells her to just grip it like she would grip a guy's pecker.  She dies and he says that's much better.  But if you will now  take the end of the club out of your mouth we can continue with the golf lesson.

are getting ready for their first night together.

As they are getting undressed the golfer says: "Honey I have a confession to make, I am a golfing fanatic.  You'll never see me on the weekends because I like to get in at least six rounds.  I take golf vacations with my buddies and just eat, breathe and sleep golf."

The new bride responds:  "Well since we are making confessions, I have one.  I am a hooker."

The golfer says:  "No, that's not a problem at all.   Just try weakening your grip.

The PGA and Tiger Woods are in town.  

Tiger brings his girlfriend.  She is hanging out in the bar while Tiger is playing his round in the tournament.  She meets a guy in the bar and they go up to her & Tiger's room to have sex.

As they finish the guy starts to grab his cloths and leave.

She says "Where are you going? .  Tiger never stops after one."

He drops his cloths and they have another romp in the bed.

Now he is in a hurry to get out before Tiger gets back.

She says "Just twice?  Tiger is always good for more than 2 shots".

He thinks about it for a minute and decides to go another round.

As they finish, he starts to get dressed in a rush.  He knows Tiger is a good golfer and won't be on the course all day.

She says "Three times? That's it. That's all you got?"

He picks up the phone and starts to dail.

She Ask  him "what are you doing? Who are you calling?"

He says "I'm calling Tiger. I want to know what par is on this hole!"

It's Saturday morning and a guy shows up at the first tee to join his usual foursome much to everyones surprise.

They asked " what are you doing here. I thought you said you couldn't play today because it's your anniversary "

" it is " he said. My wife came in the bedroom this morning with some rope and told me I could tie her up and then  

I can do whatever I want............. So here I am

A guy is golfing with a friend. The friend is a maniac golfer: watches it on TV, reads the magazines, goes to the web sites, has an autograph from Fegerty, everything. They just finish the 9th hole and they're headed to the back nine. They have to cross a road that cuts through the course to get to the tenth hole.  

As they reach the road, a funeral procession is approaching. The guy expects his friend to hustle across the road in front of the hearse to avoid the delay, but instead the friend stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head as the cars slowly pass by.

"I'm really impressed," says the first fellow. "I totally thought you were going to cross in front of the procession, but you showed some real class with what you did."

"Well," says the hardcore golfer, "we were married for a long time."

A guy shows up at his doctor's office all black and blue with bruises and is very sore. His doctor asked what happened and the guy replied that he had a golfing accident. The doctor ask how. The guy explained that he was golfing at a course next to a cow pasture. His ball went off the fairway and as he went to look for it, he came upon a woman golfer with the same problem so they agreed to help each other search. As the guy was searching he saw a cow lift its tail to pee and he saw a golf ball inserted under the cow's tail. He went and lifted the cow's tail to get a better look and saw that it wasn't his. He held the tail up and called over to the woman, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"
:

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey,be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair".

Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do."

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said.

"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her in every conceivable position, and then some, for the rest of the afternoon.

Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.

"You have to be kidding me! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?

"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes," said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.

After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

A married man was having an affair with another woman. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with another woman and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

My favorite ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWH5pw0m57

"Give me a set of golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air"!!!