Thank you for your comments. As a few days have passed since I originally wrote this, i have had some more time to reflect. I don't expect that she will ever read this. I wrote it more for my own "closure", to say the things I didn't get to say. I then posted it so I didn't have the letter on my computer or in my house.
I let me guard down, and I got stung.. hard. I don't actually know what happened, other than a perfect storm of circumstances. I can't dwell on the "what ifs", or if what she said was real or fantasy, or any of that. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter.I am learning that within this hobby, nothing is black or white, only shades of gray. Sometimes words, or lack thereof, can have a bigger impact than actions. For me, it is a combination of the words which were spoken followed by the silence, leaving the "shades of gray" in question. Oh well - Live and Learn. Maybe someday our paths will once again cross. Until that time, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger
Yesterday I learned from another provider you worked with that you are no longer working there. I suspected this even before receiving the confirmation, but I didn't want to believe it (Denial). While I knew that eventually we would have to say goodbye (this isn't happily ever after), I wasn't prepared for it to be so soon.
I know you will probably never read this letter, but I had to write it for me. I needed to reflect on this experience and express some thoughts and feelings.
ACT I
The first time I saw you, I was leaving a session with another provider (I remember thinking how beautiful you were.) This provider left town, but referred me to see you. A month later, after seeing your ad in which you talked about "starting a relationship". we actually met for the first time. You were shy yet confident. From our first meeting, I knew there was something different in store - we clicked. I got home, and knew I had to see you again. 3 days later I was back.
Our 3rd time together, I opened up to you. I gave you my "back story", and what led me to your table. You understood and accepted me for who I was. And then you opened to me. Talking to you was so easy - like we had been friends for years. 2 weeks later we spent 90 minutes together. Another amazing session.
ACT II
That weekend, I was reading some of the boards on The Erotic Review. Someone had posted a warning about "Phone Numbers and Facebook." Following his post, I looked up your number on Facebook, and there was your face next to a name I didn't know you by. Yes, I should have closed out, but curiosity got the best of me. I opened your profile. Your Facebook account wasn't locked down. I could see your pictures, posts, etc. I immediately regretted my actions, and before I dug deeper, I closed out. I knew I had violated your privacy. I could easily have kept that information to myself, but I decided your safety/privacy was more important than my own self preservation. I sent you a few text messages explaining what had happened, why I did what I did, and apologizing for my actions. I didn't hear back from you for a few days. During this time, I got into my head. I worried that I had ruined our "relationship." I wanted to make sure you knew so you could take appropriate action, but I also didn't want you to hate me. When you responded, you thanked me for the heads up. I tried to explain my actions, but also be honest with you. The thought of "losing you" made me sad. I didn't know what the extent of the "connection" was, but to me it was feeling more than just a customer/provider vibe. It was part of what made our time together so fun, but it also started to concern me. You told me you understood how I felt, but didn't know what to say. Ultimately, I asked if you still wanted to see me as a client. You said Yes. I needed some time to sort this out, and was going out of town, so I told you I would reach out in a week or so.
After what had happened, I was really nervous to see you again. You scheduled me as if nothing had occurred, even sending some flirtatious texts. My mind was at ease. During the session we talked a little bit more about this, and I made it clear that if "this" ever becomes uncomfortable for you, to please let me know. I was concerned that boundaries had been crossed, but you told me not to worry about it - We were fine. Another session full of talking about our lives. I did comment that maybe down the road in our "relationship" we could discuss the possibility of an "off-site" session. I explained that being a bigger guy, sometimes the table in the room just isn't big enough. You also mentioned maybe grabbing lunch sometime. We talked about a few other things that night that needed some followup (Something about TER and asking me about a new ad you had posted). You also wanted me to send you some ideas for our future sessions together. A day after the session, I sent you the information you had asked about. A few days later I saw your new ad. WOW - great new pictures, a little video, and mention of some other things that looked fun. I sent you an appointment request playing off the new ad. We were set to meet up Monday night! I left the house to run an errand before our session, and I got a call that caused me to need to cancel. You were very understanding, and we rescheduled for later that week.
When we got together later that week, I filled you in on what had happened earlier in the week. I felt really bad about it, but you assured me that I didn't need to worry about. We had more great conversation. Without rehashing everything, one of the things you said (paraphrased a bit) "I love you, not in love with you, but I care about you a lot, and I really like spending time with you." You caught me a little off guard. This is exactly how I felt about you. I took your words at face value, but I didn't quite know how to respond. On the way out, you told me to feel free to reach out to you if I ever need anything. I thanked you and told you that the same goes for you. When I got back to my car, we had the following text conversation:
Me: This is the moment I hate. The momentary sadness when I sit down in my car and hope I will see you again. Thanks Babe
You: 
I know. The complexity of this relationship is both fascinating and depressing
Me: That describes it perfectly
(Act III & Epilogue to follow)
ACT III
That night I sent you a few texts following up on some of the things we talked about, but i didn't hear back from you. On Monday I checked in to see if you had a good weekend, and to setup our next session. After a little confusion over who I was (because your phone had been stolen, and you had a temporary phone), we were reconnected. I offered you a lightly used phone to replace your stolen phone. I didn't have time for a session that week, but I was able to swing by to drop off the phone. You insisted on paying me. I told you no. This was my gift to you for the amazing time we have had thus far (And obviously no expectations in return). When I dropped off the phone, we chatted for a bit. I shared with you some depressing "life news" i had just received, and talked about setting up a session for the following Friday night. I told you I would send you some thoughts over the weekend, and we could finalize details the following week. After I left, you initiated this text conversation:
You: Omggggg You made my year
Me: Awww.. You are too sweet. I can't begin to explain what you've done for me over the past few months, so I'm glad I was able to help.
You: So happy right now. Its people like you that remind that its not hopeless
Me: Keep on smiling. You are awesome!
You: As are you. Very happy we met.
The following Friday presented the perfect opportunity for something we had previously discussed, so I sent you a request for a possible "off-site" session, highlighting a few possible scenarios. I explained that I wasn't looking for additional services, but more of a "Fantasy Date." I was clear that I only wanted to do this if you were comfortable with it, and to let me know what a rate would look like. I didn't hear back from you, and then on Saturday night I get a text from you asking if I am getting your text messages. I respond that I received that one, but if you had sent anything else, I hadn't. I didn't hear back the rest of the weekend. Then between an awkward situation at home, and feeling weird about my request (and not hearing back from you) I rescinded that offsite request, but still wanted to see you for a normal session that following Friday. You said that should work, and you would be there 4-10 every night that week. I thanked you, said how about Friday @ 7:30, and explained a little bit more about why I pulled back the off-site request. You responded with "Got ya" And that was the last I heard from you.
Thursday came and I texted to confirm our appointment. No response. Because of your previous phone issues, I also sent an email trying to confirm our session. I got a brief response "You can't do any earlier than 730?"
Friday arrived and I once again tried to confirm our appointment. No response. I let you know I needed to know by 3pm, otherwise I was going to make other plans. 3pm came and went, no response. I tried calling your number. After 2 rings it went to a full voice mail box.
I then I had to go out of town, so I sent you a few messages explaining that I was confused with what happened, and a little hurt that I never heard back from you. I told you I needed to "walk away" for a little bit to focus on some things in my life, but that I was here if you needed anything from me, and I would follow up the following week.
A few days ago I tried calling your number, and the phone was disconnected. I noticed your ad hadn't been posted in over 10 days, so I followed up with someone you worked with, and she confirmed you were no longer there.
EPILOGUE
So this brings us to today. First and foremost, I want to make sure that you are OK. I hope you left on your terms, and that you are happy and in a good place. It's hard not knowing what happened. While I do still remember your real name, I am not going to look you up on Facebook. There is no question that I will maintain that boundary. I feel that if you wanted me to know what happened, you would have told me. But selfishly, here is what keeps floating around in my head:
I don't know why you stopped talking to me.
I don't know why you left.
I don't know why you didn't say goodbye.
I don't know if I had anything to do with you leaving, or if the timing was just coincidental.
Without knowing any of this, I can only blindly apologize if I crossed a boundary that I should not have.
In closing -
Thank you for being such a great person, and someone who I would call a friend.
Thank you for reminding me, if only for a brief moment in time, what it feels like to be appreciated.
Thank you for helping me live out some of my fantasies.
Thank you for showing me who you are.
Thank you for letting me be me.
Thank you for being awesome.
I know I didn't say it before, but I love you too.
-- Modified on 9/17/2014 12:41:22 AM
I know you wrote this in the hope that she may read it. You may also know that you may never get closure on this, and sometimes in real life as well.
I would just like to point out something to the ladies: yes, there are times when we do care, and it does sting or hurt when things end, even here. Even though we part ways, doesn't change the fact that we have spent some quality time with you, and there are some genuine feelings, as demonstrated here.
Thank you for your comments. As a few days have passed since I originally wrote this, i have had some more time to reflect. I don't expect that she will ever read this. I wrote it more for my own "closure", to say the things I didn't get to say. I then posted it so I didn't have the letter on my computer or in my house.
I let me guard down, and I got stung.. hard. I don't actually know what happened, other than a perfect storm of circumstances. I can't dwell on the "what ifs", or if what she said was real or fantasy, or any of that. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter.
I am learning that within this hobby, nothing is black or white, only shades of gray.
Sometimes words, or lack thereof, can have a bigger impact than actions. For me, it is a combination of the words which were spoken followed by the silence, leaving the "shades of gray" in question.
Oh well - Live and Learn. Maybe someday our paths will once again cross. Until that time, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger
We all are vulnerable when we open up and let our guards down, on both sides of the fence. Don't make the assumption that she played you. That might make things easier to swallow...but you don't know that.
You'll hear the scars from a lot of others on here, and they'll mention the "rules" you should follow. But one thing I've learned is that there are general guidelines, but rules? They are what you make them, between you and her. Being closed during all sessions can be hard, especially for someone like me who wears their heart on their sleeve.
As someone who had someone close, had to leave for a year and a half, and then to reacquaint with her - I made a lot of assumptions, too, and I was wrong. Way wrong.
As you say in your message, just be thankful you had the time together.
Just be yourself with whom you are with. What will happen, will happen.
Thanks - I too wear my heart on my sleeve (I actually said that to her). I said if I ever get to be too much, please let me know. Otherwise I will ride the wave where it takes me.
I don't think she played me, but understandably it is one of the scenarios. I think the connection was real. I am not romantically "In Love", but I definitely love her.
It's hard to know where to go from here. For now, I am taking a break from seeing providers.