This is the peril of having so many eggs in one basket, and I'm afraid that it has soured you on sex as well, which is a shame, but there it is.
Call her and tell her that some things (That you are not at liberty to discuss with her.) have come up for you and you won't be available for some time (Keep it very vague.)
Resist all her efforts to pry and continue the conversation. Tell her you have to get off the phone now. (Don't do it in person.)
It sounds heartless, and in a way it is; but it is also very effective.
I've been on both the receiving and dishing out end of these converstations.
Steel yourself, and don't back pedal.
A hiatus sounds like just what you need. If and when you return to the hobby, do what I do and see a large number of gals spread out over weeks, and continually refresh the pool. This is how to keep the sizzle in the routine.
Best wishes with this.
Am posting this as one who has spent nearly 30-plus years in "the hobby." My interests have run virtually the entire sexual gamut, including strippers, escorts, massage parlors, streetwalkers, transsexuals, and, of late, "amateur" utr types.
Sadly, about 9 years ago, one of these amateur girls and I became involved in a long-term "arrangement". We met on a routine basis of at least 1-3 times per week. In addition, there were "extras" around holidays, special events etc. She is married, with a modest income, and a husband who, I'm certain, knew about her arrangement with me.
Other long-time hobbyists will, of course, already know the sad end to my story..... Recently this woman has begun to find excuses not to meet up as we did in the past. She still calls and texts frequently, and we now have started meeting about every couple of weeks or so. And, as you can expect, at these infrequent meetings, I am also asked for a larger "donation" than in our former arrangement.
As I stare my 50th birthday in the face, let me say that I am a realist about the hobby......I know that providers.....even those with whom we develop long-term friendships.....come and go & virtually ALL relationships have an expiration date in this hobby. (Sometimes it's an hour; sometimes a decade or more).
I suppose my "lament" is not so much over the loss of this particular "relationship" so much as it is over the fact that, at nearly fifty yrs old, the chances of developing amything approaching the sexual heat that I have had with this woman (in or out of the hobby) are virtually nil.
Finally, I would say that perhaps I'm simply curious as to how some of my other fellow hobbyists have extricated themselves from these types of arrangements. I genuinely like this woman (not love lol); however, I'm pretty much an ATM for her and her family at this point...and little else. And, honestly, I'm growing a little tired myself of handing large sums of cash to what has become an infrequent (and kinda reluctant) sexual partner.
In short, I know that it's time to close my wallet after 9 yrs and move on, but am unsure as to the best way to do it. In addition, I'm thinking that this would a good time for a nice little hiatus from "hobbying" for a while. I know I'll probably never "retire" from it completely; but this seems like a pretty good time to put the brakes on the whole endeavor...........
Just my two cents, as they say.
This is the peril of having so many eggs in one basket, and I'm afraid that it has soured you on sex as well, which is a shame, but there it is.
Call her and tell her that some things (That you are not at liberty to discuss with her.) have come up for you and you won't be available for some time (Keep it very vague.)
Resist all her efforts to pry and continue the conversation. Tell her you have to get off the phone now. (Don't do it in person.)
It sounds heartless, and in a way it is; but it is also very effective.
I've been on both the receiving and dishing out end of these converstations.
Steel yourself, and don't back pedal.
A hiatus sounds like just what you need. If and when you return to the hobby, do what I do and see a large number of gals spread out over weeks, and continually refresh the pool. This is how to keep the sizzle in the routine.
Best wishes with this.
You've got enough experience that you seem to know the answers to your questions, but maybe you just don't like them. It may take a little time to process it all.
In this case, you're dealing with the end of a long-term relationship, albeit an unconventional one, at the same time you're looking at turning 50. It's natural to feel that you've wasted time, money and emotion on a dry well. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. You obviously got something from it or you wouldn't have hung in there so long. But like you said, these things always end, so now you're feeling the sense of loss.
Just by sheer coincidence, I had a 6-year dating relationship with a woman I originally met as an escort end, just as I was turning 50, so I know how that can mess with your mind. Turning 50 is a milestone, but it's not the end of the good times. Plus, this relationship wasn't going anywhere and you weren't getting much reciprocation on her part, so you really didn't lose much since it was coasting on momentum more than anything else.
Do what mrfisher suggests and break it off. Then quite feeling regret over what has happened and focus your time and resources on something that will give you more in return. Maybe that's a new relationship, or maybe it's an entirely different activity. Given the situation you described, I'm sure you can do better for yourself in the long run.
......even though you are her ATM. I would just end it without telling her a damn thing.
The entire purpose of this hobby is to trade “A” for “B”. In this exchange both parties win. It would appear, that you arrangement as malformed into something less that your original agreement. As with anything, the ending is always difficult. Take your 9 years of fun and memories and part ways. NOW. If you let it drag out, then you will have regret, which will overcast the fonder memories once shared. That much I am sure of. Good Luck!
for a year or so. Eventually the performance suffered. I took a long break... nearly a year. She thought I was gone. In the meantime I saw ladies who I felt had the potential to be "Favorites" but not exclusive. I rotate the ones that I connected with. After a year, I included #1 in the rotation & I still see her today (actually Friday last). Her attitude has changed. She does not take me for granted. It'll be several months before I see her again.
You've got to make a break here. You may try to reconnect at a future time on a pay as you go basis. If that's not acceptable, you know your answer.
skb
I appreciate all the responses I've received regarding my situation. At the risk of sounding like a jilted "boyfriend" here, recent events with this women have led me to believe that there is probably a new "hobbyist" in the mix.
As the replies to my post suggested, I am taking at least a break from this woman for a while; in all honesty, she has become something of a bottomless pit financially. And, I'm guessing that myself and this other gentleman are being "double-booked," if you will, with this girl. My solution is simply to allow him to pay the entire tab for a while; my guess is he will soon reach the same conclusion that I have....and close his wallet as well.
I was in a situation similar to yours once. I met a beautiful women as an escort, but got to know her as a friend over a two or three year period. She did far less escorting than she did living off guys she met.
As I got to know her, I realized she was really just a parasite that attached herself to different "host" men. When they'd get tired of her shit, or paying her bills, she'd move on. After I met some of the other guys, and heard about even more, I realized I was just the latest guy to get sucked into her web. Like those before me, I eventually realized the true nature of the relationship and cut her loose. I have no doubt she was back with one of the other guys within a few days.
There are women that just know how to take advantage of men's natural desire to provide for them. Unfortunately, it can become a very one-sided situation, as both you and I found out.
It's not unique to the hobby... my ex was a master at this... after she took me for all I was worth, I realized that I had let my male instinct to care for my GFs run amuck. The one before her only took me for a couple of grand in home repairs... and I was good with that!
Older, smarter,
HV
Someone in a different posted about his ATF who is a UTR provider, giving him a sob story about her business, and having to risk her safety to make ends meet etc. And, I was trying to point out that she is setting him up to be taken for a ride! Well, I hope he reads this and drops his guilt at the door, and remembers to take his wallet! Geez.
As I got to know her, I realized she was really just a parasite that attached herself to different "host" men. When they'd get tired of her shit, or paying her bills, she'd move on. After I met some of the other guys, and heard about even more, I realized I was just the latest guy to get sucked into her web. Like those before me, I eventually realized the true nature of the relationship and cut her loose. I have no doubt she was back with one of the other guys within a few days.
There are women that just know how to take advantage of men's natural desire to provide for them. Unfortunately, it can become a very one-sided situation, as both you and I found out.
Tristater, sorry for arriving late to the party. You make two separate statements in your heart-felt post:
1. Over a nine year period, you met this provider "at least 1-3 times per week... extras around holidays, special events etc."
2. "I genuinely like this woman (not love lol)."
My friend, one of the two statements above is not true. I cannot peer into your soul & divine the truth. But my Magic 8 Ball says Statement #1 = True. You have no motive to disassemble about all the time & money you've spent on this young woman, who you obviously adored.
As for Statement #2: I don't think you'll ever get over this woman till you admit that you loved her. You don't owe this board any admission, but you owe it to yourself. Good luck. --z
Love is hard to define but you certainly have strong feelings for this girl. If you didn't the decision would be easy. When the relationship stops working... it's time to move on.
H
1. Over a nine year period, you met this provider "at least 1-3 times per week... extras around holidays, special events etc."
2. "I genuinely like this woman (not love lol)."
My friend, one of the two statements above is not true. I cannot peer into your soul & divine the truth. But my Magic 8 Ball says Statement #1 = True. You have no motive to disassemble about all the time & money you've spent on this young woman, who you obviously adored.
As for Statement #2: I don't think you'll ever get over this woman till you admit that you loved her. You don't owe this board any admission, but you owe it to yourself. Good luck. --z
You are nearing fifty, I have past my 70th birthday. I have had great moments of passion both in and out of the hobby beginning --not in the hobby of course-- in my mid teens, but none have been greater or more intense than moments I have with someone I see, when we both can get free, regularly now. In fact there have been no better years for me than some I have had since my 64th or 65th birthday.
It is certainly possible you will be able to say the same thing 20 years from now.
If you feel the need to explain, do so. I am surprised after 9 years your relationship has not developed to where you can sit down and have a conversation about this with her.
My story...I had a guy that I was seeing for years, not in an arrangement like this, just the regular provider/client thing. He became emotionally involved which changed the intimate element. The physical side was great for him, not for me. He insisted that he wanted to satisfy me and I kept telling him that it was not possible. This led to our encounters being strained and unpleasant because he would not stop trying even when I told him, I was sore and irritated.
I had to end that side of our relationship. We had a heart to heart which is never easy but after the years we had seen each other I felt I owed him that We are still friends to this day, real friends as there is no intimate contact.
Try talking to her. If it caves in at that point, you know your choice was wisely made. I am disappointed in her behavior because she is not living up to her side of the arrangement. Knowing why might be of comfort but if you feel it's best to walk, you can sdo so with closureif that's what you need.
I wish you the very best of luck.
I am amazed at the wisdom I see here. Take it all in. In other words, MOVE ON without hesitation. I say this as I try to take my own advice. Not easy, but necessary. You might have met a run-of-the-mill user or possibly a sociopath (this "hobby" has plenty of both). Best of luck.
I am no longer a provider. I had a wonderful 6 year run of it though and learned a thing or two. I'm 39 & about 6 months ago I met a man who is 57. He is also a survivor of prostate cancer. I won't go into details about how we met or why we clicked, but I do want to share with you how incredible our sex life is.
Since I was a provider and massage therapist I had many experiences with men who were older, and who may have had a harder time getting an erection.
The first time that I made love to the new man in my life I simply gave him the space to let his body do what ever it would do. When his cock was flaccid I rubbed it against my clit and rode him til I came. I didn't try to get him hard, I simply allowed myself to be turned on by what ever state of arousal he was in.
Since that first night, our sex life has been the most passionate and exciting I have ever experienced. We lay next to eachother and if he isn't hard instantly, I only have to rub my hands with coconut oil and stroke his cock one or two times and he can't even believe how ardent he gets.
At 57 he tells me that this is the best sex he's ever had in his whole life. Even before the cancer.
He is generous, loving, exciting, athletic, and sexual. He's 57 and he's incredible. We are re-inventing what passion is.
I only wanted to tell you this because you said in your original post that you wondered, facing 50, if you would ever find that connection again. I think you will. You never what waits for you around the next bend.
Sometimes we have to drop the old baggage before something new and splendid can enter into our lives. But trust that it will.
I think my man thought that he would never have a passionate sex life again. Then he met me.... : )
This thread has been so insightful and inspirational!
Good to know we are not alone in our human condition.
This Forum is really cool because the issues being addressed here are elements that are prominent my life ...since i have been in the adult industry for a few years now. But I have noone to lament to in the real world since noone in my reallife knows about what I do. Thank you for honesty.