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The Erotic Highway

Re: The passion has gone...
drdimsum 2763 reads
posted

I have no answers for ya, but totally understand your situation. My situation might be worse, as my SO still wants much sex with me,   but as you said the chemistry is gone at least for me.  All the hobby has done is vouch for the fact that nothing is at least physically wrong with my desire. That leave a large conundrum at home to figure out.  I don't feel I will ever get it back at home.

seriouslyconflicted4546 reads

The passion has gone from the relationship with my SO. We have sex less and less frequently. It has gotten to the point where the last time we tried to have sex it was a fail so we don't even try anymore. I love my SO but this situation has driven me to the hobby to see if I even knew how to feel passion anymore. Now for the first time in a long time I felt passion with a provider I was recently with. My SO and I even tried couples counseling last year and it didn't help. I am seriously conflicted my friends. I don't know where else to turn.

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TheLoveGoddess2091 reads

Ok, seriouslyconflicted,

You seem to have solved your problem - temporarily at least. Otherwise, your choices would be to a) either go back to couples counseling with a different counselor; b) continue dialoguing openly with your SO and make some serious changes in your sex life with her; or c) continue to hobby. You might try disclosing to your SO that you've seen a provider and then let the chips fall where they may. That's the honest approach and I applaud it - sometimes a real cataclysm is what's needed to reshape a relationship on a sexual level.

Since your SO is not here to post, most advice will be like shooting in the dark. Who knows why she's not having sex with you? Who knows why sex was "a fail" last time - what does it mean anyway? She failed to reach orgasm? You failed erection/orgasm? How long have you been together? This could turn into another couples counseling session, except that we don't have the space or bandwidth to really accomplish something of a deeper nature on this board.

It's perfectly natural that you should feel passion for a provider - it's new, fresh meat, so to speak. Anyone new and not your SO will make your head spin and your penis sing [or the other way around, take your pick]. And if you're looking for validation in terms of seeing providers, you know you've come to the right place. After all, this is a website that attracts men who hobby, so you're not going to get much argument here.

Without your SO's comments, it's tough to provide some profound advice,
The Love Goddess

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seriouslyconflicted2106 reads

I wouldn't say that I have solved my problem at all. I guess I should clarify it is not that she won't have sex with me, its that I don't have physical desire for her. We have been together for 4 years. I wouldn't say we were hot and heavy at first but sex has become nonexistant. Sometimes we try and I can't stay aroused, sometimes I can, but even when I do it do it doesn't go well because she gets self conscience. It has almost turned into a self fulfilling prophacy and talking about it only makes it worse. I was beginning to think it might be some sort of physical or mental block on my part but I am generally too young for that and my experience with providers proves otherwise. No it seems somehow that a person that I love and myself just do no seem to have physical chemistry.

Posted By: TheLoveGoddess
Ok, seriouslyconflicted,

You seem to have solved your problem - temporarily at least. Otherwise, your choices would be to a) either go back to couples counseling with a different counselor; b) continue dialoguing openly with your SO and make some serious changes in your sex life with her; or c) continue to hobby. You might try disclosing to your SO that you've seen a provider and then let the chips fall where they may. That's the honest approach and I applaud it - sometimes a real cataclysm is what's needed to reshape a relationship on a sexual level.

Since your SO is not here to post, most advice will be like shooting in the dark. Who knows why she's not having sex with you? Who knows why sex was "a fail" last time - what does it mean anyway? She failed to reach orgasm? You failed erection/orgasm? How long have you been together? This could turn into another couples counseling session, except that we don't have the space or bandwidth to really accomplish something of a deeper nature on this board.

It's perfectly natural that you should feel passion for a provider - it's new, fresh meat, so to speak. Anyone new and not your SO will make your head spin and your penis sing [or the other way around, take your pick]. And if you're looking for validation in terms of seeing providers, you know you've come to the right place. After all, this is a website that attracts men who hobby, so you're not going to get much argument here.

Without your SO's comments, it's tough to provide some profound advice,
The Love Goddess

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TheLoveGoddess2416 reads

Do you stay with someone for whom you have no sexual desire? And you would do this, because....?

I physically couldn't, but that's me,
The Love Goddess

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beenthere2552418 reads

WTF?  Seriously LG?  You know attraction wanes on average after 4 years -- the exact length of time the poster said he's been with his wife.  His lust wane is totally normal (although maybe the degree of sexual inactivity isn't).  And yet you seem to be advocating that he leave his wife because of this.  If he does, the best he can hope for is to leap from woman to woman every 4 years.  He needs to fix the problem.  I think he's asking for help, not an excuse.

I agree it's tough to know exactly what the issues might be, and therefore impossible to give spot-on advice.  But no advice at all?  How disappointing.  Especially when your advice is so often superb.

He can obviously get it on with providers.  Has he and his wife ever tried a prostitute fantasy thing?  Has he tried buying her a kinky outfit?  Have they tried watching porn?  Maybe watched porn for 30 minutes apart (no masturbating!), made a list of the stuff that turned them on the most, and then got together and compared notes?  

I dunno.  Something?

Posted By: TheLoveGoddess
Do you stay with someone for whom you have no sexual desire? And you would do this, because....?

I physically couldn't, but that's me,
The Love Goddess
-- Modified on 4/4/2011 9:04:19 PM

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TheLoveGoddess2144 reads

You are obviously not reading my answers, BashfulJohn,

I NEVER said he should leave his wife - I said that I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship without sex, BUT THAT'S ME. If you read my first response to him, it's full of comments.

Proper advice is given when all facts are available. Since they aren't in this case, the only thing to do is to ask more questions and/or hypothesize. Suffice it to say that the OP states that he and his SO tried couples counseling, so if it was performed correctly, they did get plenty of "advice." Now you as a non-professional are free to tell him whatever you want, which is exactly what you've done in your posting. I don't really want to take those kinds of risks when I don't have all the facts at my disposal. But telling him to leave his wife - that never happened.

Read my replies again,
The Love Goddess

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beenthere2551734 reads

I guess I read you wrong, LG.  Your first response seemed full of questions rather than suggestions, and 'I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship without sex...' still sounds a little like 'You must be crazy to stay married.'  But maybe that's just me ;)

Anyway, seriously -- sorry if I misread you and stepped out of line on your board.  I really do think your advice is generally great.  I just couldn't help sympathizing with the OP, because my marriage was pretty sexless for a while (we typically went over a year without sex, for at least a decade), yet I always loved my wife.  We just got used to being asexual buddies.  But we finally hit a wall.  I was getting it elsewhere, she was seriously thinking about it.  Our devotions were wandering.  We were definitely on the road to ruin.

Now, our sex life is great.  I guarantee you better than the vast majority of couples.  And we've been married almost 20 years and are more in love than ever.

Couples counseling was completely useless for us.  Individual counseling for me was incredibly annoying (because it was a waste of money).  My wife found a fabulous counselor for a short while, but after a couple visits the counselor had to admit she had to stop seeing my wife because the counselor had cancer and it wasn't going well.  That really sunk home.  Suddenly we realized that our issues were absurd in comparison.  We started talking for real and living with the knowledge that we don't all have forever.  I talked openly about all my encounters with providers, what I liked, what I didn't like, what I've done.  We set rules, bought new clothes, started a new life.  But still with each other.

Sex is just sex.  But you can't buy love.  Sometimes it's easy for hobbyists to forget that.

Posted By: TheLoveGoddess
You are obviously not reading my answers, BashfulJohn,

I NEVER said he should leave his wife - I said that I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship without sex, BUT THAT'S ME. If you read my first response to him, it's full of comments.

Proper advice is given when all facts are available. Since they aren't in this case, the only thing to do is to ask more questions and/or hypothesize. Suffice it to say that the OP states that he and his SO tried couples counseling, so if it was performed correctly, they did get plenty of "advice." Now you as a non-professional are free to tell him whatever you want, which is exactly what you've done in your posting. I don't really want to take those kinds of risks when I don't have all the facts at my disposal. But telling him to leave his wife - that never happened.

Read my replies again,
The Love Goddess

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TheLoveGoddess1845 reads

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seriouslyconflicted1457 reads

Thanks for the comments John. We have tried kinky oufits a few times. I like them she feels uncomfortable. She feels I should want her the way she is without some costume. She is fairly sexually conservative and passive which is kind of a bad combo with me because I am tend to not be sexually aggressive. I grew up in a very sttict household where sex was a dirty thing never discussed and was kind of a late bloomer myself. Most of the women I was with before my so were sexually confident and aggressive towards me but the relationship would fail because we didnt connect emotionally and felt bad using them for sex. My so was different because we started off as friends and I never really lusted for her. She turned into my best friend and knows me better than anyone.

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seriouslyconflicted1802 reads

There is something to be said for a strong emotional connection. I guess I was hoping it was a phase and something woyld spark it back. Relationships take work, I was just curious if anyone else had dealt with this and was also venting. Thanks for your thoughts.

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mattradd2391 reads

and any such state can be remembered. Once remembered it is triggered. Revisit the context or setting, of when, in the beginning of your relationship, those passions were in full force. Duplicate the the contexts. It's quite simple really. What one finds, usually, is that one or both partners will not revisit any of the contexts, either because trust has been broken, in some manner, one or both have changed physically, or one or both feel too busy or lacking in health to revisit and set up similar contexts, etc. When you attempt to do this, and it fails, you most likely will have your answer as to whether your relationship will last. Many couples who allow themselves to revisit and reconstruct the contexts they found themselves in, when in passion for each other, together, rediscover the passion they had for each other. Of course the contexts involve romance. The sparking of romance: getting to know each other, the expressions of having each other on your minds, anticipation about making the next move, doing something new together, etc. All part of developing that "emotional connection." See link

-- Modified on 3/30/2011 2:37:06 PM

Related Link: http://www.feelguide.com/2011/03/30/redbook-looks-at-emotional-reason-men-turn-cheaters...

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TheLoveGoddess1347 reads

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mattradd2777 reads

across him before, I was unaware of his agenda. I was more referencing the article's point that for many men, even expressed here when seeing a provider, that they need an emotional connect, as much, or even more so than the sex.

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pleasureglans1616 reads

So you don't think "sex addiction" exists? Just curious for a learned opinion. I don't know and haven't looked in the DSM to see if it's listed.

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TheLoveGoddess2951 reads

Related Link: LG's report of Rob Weiss' "sex addiction" paradigm

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drdimsum2764 reads

I have no answers for ya, but totally understand your situation. My situation might be worse, as my SO still wants much sex with me,   but as you said the chemistry is gone at least for me.  All the hobby has done is vouch for the fact that nothing is at least physically wrong with my desire. That leave a large conundrum at home to figure out.  I don't feel I will ever get it back at home.

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Travie522812 reads

Maybe try bringing another person into the mix with your SO. If your SO consents to another lady joining you two, the passion would be there for you and you could each learn a thing or two about pleasing the other. Maybe this could spice things up for the two of you even when the provider is out of the picture.

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seriouslyconflicted1705 reads

We have discussed this and I am seriously concerned this would cause feelings of jealiousy and resentment and destablize the relationship further.

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InTheSameBoat1970 reads

in my case, its more about SO's physical appearance and overall "non-sexy" attitude.
So, I just can't do her anymore.Not with her and me only, not in a 3-some with a provider (its a horrifying idea). However, she's not a bad person as such. She takes good care of me and the kid and so do I (hopefully). I feel suffocated everyday but can't tell if walking out of marriage will not leave me in a worse condition. You know, the kids life, the economic fallout, the legal hassels etc.

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isfcco1882 reads

1)  My SO has stopped abruptly without notice and once, just once this week (7 months and 2 days after the last time we were intimite) she started, then stopped.

2)  My thought? I lost 92 pounds (93 now yay!) and she might find me too boney...(no idea how, but she complains of ribcage, so that must be it...I'm still heavy according to the charts and the mirror however.)

3)  What seemed to work, at least to get her to bed, if not to get a full love-in with her, was that I did see a provider and wasn't quite so desperate and demanding.  Thus, maybe it might be a solution for you?  I know I became a real @$$ for a while and after my wonderful session with perhaps the second best companion in the world, maybe I was more like my original personality? (Granted, while we were dating for 7 years, she gave me some regularly...so I am certain my personality was very warm and pleasing! lol.)  

4)  Why is she the second best companion in the world?  No, SO is not number 1, it's just I hope that there is a better one out there somewhere, so that I may find her and have an even better experience!!!

5)  Do I feel passion for my companion?  Yes.  But I think (and LG can feel free to correct me, as if she needs my permission!) that it is okay as long as A) you don't try to act on it and B) you realize you are just a companion yourself.  Honestly, doesn't the companion who sells her time want you to like her?  Otherwise, why is she pretending to by your girlfriend or your personal porn star or your tantric massuese or what-have-you???  It's all about the surrogate relationship, for me at least, I presume for a lot of hobbiests and that's what they are acting out for you - no?

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