I am suffering from a phenomena that is now playing games with my head and has therefore accentuated the issue:
I am currently going through a very difficult time in my marriage. It has been going on for over a year and the chances are that we may get separated, divorced and move on. I have been through all the classical stages of such traumatic experiences, several times with this marriage. I do love my spouse, but for a host of reasons that I will not mention in here, it's most probably not going to work out. I have no problems whatsoever to have sexual intercourse with my spouse, to get hard, to make (one-sided) passionate love and to have a huge release at the end! She is not really into me any more on a romantic level, but when she "puts out" to keep the peace, I have no performance related problems.
I fell into the Hobby about a year ago and dabbled in it as a form of scape fr4om these issues (not a good idea, BTW). At the beginning, I had no problems with ED, releasing, et al as I was not very selective and as well-versed in the Hobby, as I am today. Nowadays, the problems start when I meet providers with whom I feel like I can make a connection with. If I feel that, oh this is someone who I can really see as a civi GF (I think that know where to draw the line between reality & fantasy), then the 4 Fs of: Find 'em, Feel 'em, F*** 'em & Forget 'em, goes out of the window for me! I become a "lover boy" and I aim to please them and have great sensual GFE sessions. However, I can not stay hard and I just tell them not to worry about it! (well, they should not worry anyway since they get paid and I fail to get hard enough to have my paid intercourse!) Then I come home and out of frustration, I watch porn and get the hugest release that I can muster! If I continue seeing that provider whom I felt a connection with, I have no problems getting hard and having a huge release, but dang it, it takes a few sessions and several hundred $$$ later and lighter!
As a bio background, I'm in my mid 40s and very healthy. I exercise intensely and very regularly. I even do Yoga!. I eat right, I do not smoke and I rarely drink. I am on no medication and I do not suffer from low testosterone levels that I may know of! I know that my ED issues in thus format are most probably psychological but what should I do? Consider taking ED tablets? Get out of the hobby and not waste my $$$ till I sort myself up in my head? Try to get into a civi relationship instead? Just masturbate and save a lot more in funds & headache? Strangely enough, I do not encounter this ED issue when I go to FBSM providers, only with FS provider!. I get limp noodle when it comes to intercourse and penetration! It is getting to be damn annoying, costly & very frustrating! The last thing that I wish to do is to come home and seek sex with my non-romantic wife, when I have had a beautiful naked stranger right in front of me for the taking and I then could not get hard enough to have intercourse!!!
Your wise suggestions would be greatly appreciated and I'm sorry for using an alias, as I just did not wish to get mocked and belittled under my real TER handle!
You just said it, Marital_Purgatory_Just_Sucks,
The ED you are experiencing is definitely psychogenic; the minute you feel any type of emotional connection to a provider, your penis goes into a fear-driven state and shrinks up, only to surface again when it's safe and no risk of any feelings in the offing.
Should you take ED meds? Well, you can always try - most likely, a doc will prescribe them to you without reservations. Get out of the hobby? Well, the hobby doesn't just consist of FS providers; as you have experienced, there are plenty of FBSM providers around with whom you experience zero ED BECAUSE IT'S SAFE AND DOESN'T NECESSARILY REQUIRE ANY TYPE OF EMOTIONAL DISPLAY OR INVOLVEMENT ON YOUR PART beyond basic civility. The GFE on the other hand may represent more of your need to emote, to connect, hence the freezing up.
I don't know anything about you, but I generally don't recommend getting into a civvie relationship until you've concluded your current one [according to your posting, it seems that it's still sputtering along, although most likely to a grinding halt.] You're probably not in a problem-free frame of mind at the moment, so getting entangled in a civvie relationship right now is not the thing to do. AND, if the one you're in does come to an end, I don't recommend rushing headlong into another. You need to be alone for a while and sort things out.
Should you "masturbate and save a lot more in funds & headache?" I do believe masturbation is really good for you, so don't stop it. But I don't believe it's the only thing you should do, because you could get into a behavioral loop where pretty soon, masturbation to artificial images is the only way you'll get off....and then you'll be having issues with orgasm/ejaculation once you're in front of a "live female."
The way I see it is that your posting represents your emotional state at the moment - frantic, confused, searching desperately for solutions. What you could do is take some of that energy and either put it into rescuing your marriage - complete with couples therapy, coaching, homework, and all it entails - or spend some time exploring your feelings individually and really assessing if you want to stay or leave the relationship. Try to calm down and focus on internalizations instead of "acting out" your distress with escorts; as you've observed, it won't work since your little head really seems to overrule your big one for good reason. Once you get your marital situation resolved, I bet your libido will come back in a roaring fashion.
Get it over with, once and for all - don't fester,
The Love Goddess
Dear LG, thank you very much for your kind response and suggestions. Based on merely reviewing my post and not knowing much else about me, your response was very spot on.
I'll just expand on the last paragraph, before your closing statement:
We have tried the marriage counseling and the couples therapy (admittedly very feebly) but since my spouse did not wish to make a commitment to sticking with it (basically showed up in the hope that it would make things easier on me, when it comes to a final separation) I will not go into much details, but it is suffice to say that there was infidelity involved in the marriage (neither the counselor nor I, knew that as a fact at that time) and the discovery of her infidelity was the final straw that broke my back and led me to my own infidelities via the Hobby. I felt like, well, this is not like the civvie world and I'm taking my revenge by having fun, and no one is going to get emotionally hurt, but I guess that the final joke was still on me! This marriage in its present format is over and although there is still a lot of love and feelings involved (sans the romantic type), I see no other solution other than a formal separation and individualization. As to whether what would happen in the future, who knows? The most major obstacle for us to make that final severance of the cord, is the question of finances and the inability to afford to run two separate household expenses (hence the marital purgatory that many couples are stuck in, at this present state of our economy)
You are absolutely correct to state that there is a lot of "acting out" going on here. Once I truly decide to briefly get off (no pun intended) this crusade for escorts that I am currently on, I should perhaps invest some of that $$$ toward some individual therapy. I feel that without the guidance of a professional. I shall continue the festering process as this is just my nature (I think that I know myself well after 45+ years!)
In closing, I have an idea with regards to what I just said. I am also in CA which is I believe is your home domicile State. What would bar me from working with you? I work from home and my business is Internet based. Connection via Skype is not a problem for me. If you agree, I can take your answer via an email through my TER account. Please let me know. Thanks you, M...
follow the prompts for speedy contact.
No need to fester, we can heal the wound,
The Love Goddess
Thank you for the link, but I did not see a tab for speedy contact. However I do see your email address plus a whole host of other information contained therein. I guess that it would be best to contact you via email beyond this point, to prospect the needed coaching to start healing mywounds. Thank you again for your time. Kind regards, M...
And I'm younger than you. It's all in your head, as it was in mine. I needed to be either in the FFFF mindset or had to be extremely attracted to them, or I could suffer various degrees of ED without any predictability. Alcohol sure didn't help. Anyway, I've found that 25mg of Viagra seems to be working so far with no side effects whatsoever.