Ask him what you need to ask him before he is gone. Otherwise the unanswered questions will bother you the rest of your life, just as unanswered questions have bothered me for over 35 years since my dad died. He may feel better for losing the burden of the secret.
Hi all:
I want to run something by you all that I posted on the board about three years ago. I am posting the issue again because the make up of all the boards on this site has changed dramatically since then. Many of us, both hobbyist, and provider alike have moved on to other things, and as a result many of you, for whatever reason were not participating back then.
Anyway, My dad was in the service. In 1973 he was sent to South Korea on a hardship tour of duty. Hardship meaning that he couldn't take us with him.
While there he had an affair, and when his tour was over, left her, and his kid from that relationship behind.
Now he doesn't know that I know. The thing is that this has been an interfamily rumor for almost 30 years or more.I asked my mom, but she is very mysterious about it. Most of the time I'm ok with not knowing, and letting the whole thing go. Even if I wanted to locate my "brother" it would be impossible and I know that.
However, I still feel (on occassion)that I have a right to know.
The last time I this issue on this board, I was firmly, but compassionatly told to mind my own business. As I said, the membership has changed considerably, and so I would like a second opinion as it were.
There is a new fact which may, or may not change your opinion.
My relationship with my dad has always been rocky at best. "Leave it to Beaver" it aint.
The other day, I spoke with him,he's been ill, and he dropped a bombshell on me.
He told me that he had a malignancy on his lung which has metasticised to his liver. According to him, his doctors give him a year to live.
Now, I have yet to drive up there, and look at the data in black and white.
Now my question is this: do I suck in my gut, and ask him if all I have writen about above is true, or do I let him die with his secret?
I look forward to hearing from all of you.
Thanks.
-- Modified on 12/6/2005 4:38:32 AM
I usually do not post but thought that my experiences might help you. My mother was widowed when I was a preteen and remarried. My step dad was a very private person but when he the cancer became bad I spent many hours learning what kind of person he actually was. Talk to your dad you need it and so does he.
Your dad may not respond as you'd hoped, but a gentle, compassionate and genuine interjection of your concerns and desire to know cannot be condemned, and just might open a door that has been closed all these years. Ask. MA
I cant speak to asking him the question, but for me it became about helping them die.
I asked lots of questions, but they were all about them and very little about what I needed. To this day it was one of the most gratifying times of my life. I got to help them die with dignity and let them die knowing that there was nothing more to say or do.
Your question... Is it about you? or is it about him and his passing on? How will it help? I cant answer that for you. maybe it is the perfect question for the perfect time? Who knows?
But in the end, what is it that you want to remember? What is it that you want to have his life's end be?
What do you want to do with this information? Do you want to make him wrong or do you want to make it right?
My choice was to make it great for my parent. or at least as great as I could.
It was all about acceptance.
thank you for the memory.
"However, I still feel (on occasion) that I have a right to know."
No offense, but at best this is between your father, your mother, his lover, and the love child. Since he's not in the process of leaving one family for another one, I don't see how it involves you at all. Certainly you are on the periphery of things, but you're a long way from having a "right" to know anything.
So, ask him if you feel you must pry into something that is really none of your business, but do try to suppress any righteous attitude when asking or, like as not, the interrogation is not going to go well.
-- Modified on 12/6/2005 6:55:54 AM
I was very close with my father. When he died (from lung cancer) I was with him. But he could not speak when he died.... During the years that he was with me, we spoke often and at length. How many guys discuss their trysts with their dad? sometimes he liked the women I dated, and sometimes he didn't - but for the most part he was an excellent sounding board.
Clearly this was not the relationship you had with your dad. for that I am truly sorry. But it is also not the worst. So while this may be something that you wish to do for you, I agree with the posters above who suggest that it may also be something for him... a last clearing of the air. If you will - a final cofession.
It is how you bring up the topic. if it is accusatory I would say don't do it. But if it is in the spirit of working with your father to ease his passing, then you should. how to bring it up? I don't know - you probably do - maybe over the next year or so, you will find the words but if you don't - you need to develop a dialogue that will allow him to bring up whatever he decides is important. There may be other things that he decides are more important than you know, give him the chance. As I said - it does not sound like you have had the worst father-son relationship - and It does sound like you love and care for him. We all have faults - and love is overlooking the faults to see the good parts.
For you, I would ask, what will you do with the information - if it is true? How can it make your life better? you have lots to consider - and maybe that is why he and your mother do not share - they can't see how this knowledge would be to your benefit. On that note - it has a lot to do with you. Good luck.
I never realized that when you claimed to be green, you meant that you were the onion... with many layers. I've been behind in my reading, and have seen several layers from you in the last few minutes.
I've met several fellow hobbyists in the last couple days, and found them all to be quite compelling, while all diverse at the same time. We are an interesting lot, and you hold up your end well....thanks.
And adopted.. Later found out at 16.. I have 10 brothers and sisters... 2 i still cannot find ... drives me crazy ..Id say ask.. and bless you and your dad.. I hope the best for you and him.. Let me know if he tells
is it more important for your dad to tell you the truth because you want to clear things up before he dies? Or, do you really want to ask because you have a brother out there you'd like to find? When someone is dieing, I have found that many things can be forgotten. It's a good feeling that you can pay your last respect to that person, be it good or bad outcome. You'll feel better about yourself and your life if you get to see him again, especially if he wasn't too abusive to your family. Trust me! There are always ways to find a lost brother or sister, but it will cost you some dineros. You will eventually have to come to terms with your decision (either way) and feel it's the right decision. Once you've broached the subject , there's no turning back. I know I would want to know if I had other siblings (which I believe I do from a past grandfather), and I have been researching this matter for a long time.
Hugs,
Ciara
Ask him what you need to ask him before he is gone. Otherwise the unanswered questions will bother you the rest of your life, just as unanswered questions have bothered me for over 35 years since my dad died. He may feel better for losing the burden of the secret.
but some things seem clear to me:
(1) In the end, you're gonna answer this yourself, and us yapping is just stirring the pot, which isn't good or bad, it just is;
(2) It's obviously bugging you a lot. IOW, it's on YOUR mind. You haven't described a reason to think it's on anybody else's mind.
(3) What would *I* do, understanding that I ain't you, and you're gonna do what you want? Well, I'd ask, what's to be gained by the question? Your peace of mind? Versus what, agitating your father in his final days? Even assuming he was a complete asshole who deserved it, it's still bad karma that I wouldn't bring on myself. I'd say to myself, it's one of life's imponderables that cannot be helped, and should be left alone.
(4) Let's assume you FIND this half-brother - what's to be gained there? Do you think a half a set of genes is going to improve anybody's life, or that there's anything there? We know there's no common history, which is what makes social ties; chances are good that there's no common language, and he's probably always been economically strapped, and his roundeye half-brother showing up to investigate is probing something that may have totally unknowable consequences. There is a term that may fit here, it's "officious intermeddler" and it means a person who sticks their nose where it wasn't asked for.
(5) Now, you sound like you believe your father may be BSing you. If he is, then he's trying to say something, probably along the lines of cut him some slack. It's not so much whether he deserves slack, but rather, is this something that can be forced out of anybody? I doubt it.
(6) Finally, we know it bugs you. My suggestion is that you figure out why. My further suggestion is that I, personally, would let sleeping dogs lie, and let your father go in peace, EVEN IF you think he's completely wrong about this. I would just put it away, and if you want a brother, then go down to the Big Brothers or a smiliar organization, and pitch in with people who WANT help.
You ask him and if he doesn't tell you then you make him tell you!!
Honey, you have a brother out there. You might be able to find that brother. Your mother may not want to know and I can understand that to some degree.......But, you my dear have every single right to know and he has every single responsibility to tell you!
I would be willing to bet that in his heart he wants to tell you. He has in no way lived with this being outside his heart. He has been most likely living with this secret to protect your immediate family (you and your mother).
This is by all means something that a dying man would want to finally come clean with. And, if I'm wrong about that.........to god damn bad! It's still your brother and you still have every right to know everything that you can to give you an opportunity to find him. And, believe me..It might just be easier than you think! You need names, towns or villages, birthdates, and anything else that you can get from him. Families in those communities tend to be pretty small and though it might require some effort on your part or some travel I can bet you anything that you can find him easily. I know because I did exacly something very similar in finding lost family years ago.
You get all the information that you can and PM or email me personally and I will show you how as best I can. With any luck at all he may even be in the states with his father's last name and that I can find in less than a day.
X's Summer