Whats the problem ?
Have an open relationship
Many people need that to make a marriage work.
Apparently you did.
It cheaper to keep her
My wife is having affair with someone and was caught on tape (P.I work, $100 an hour, cost me around 4 grand). I had long suspicion of that and now I got proof. I am facing a tough decision now. Should I just divorce or should I forgive her and use that as a license for this hobby (in case get caught in the future). We make almost same amount of money. If divorce we are going to split everything, faithful or not faithful wouldn’t matter in this case. Our combine income makes me much easier to set aside of 6K to 10K a year for hobbying without getting noticed. If divorce I don’t think I can have that kind of hobby money anymore. (Plus sale our big house and both move into each own small condo) My kids are all college bound, but they would still get hurt if we divorce. Do I love my wife? Not anymore, but she is still better than many women I know of , even though she is unfaithful to me (I am not faithful to her either). What is the best thing I can do in this situation? Any idea is appreciated.
...the advice from LA not to your liking?
It sounds like she is doing to you what you do to her. What if she has you on tape? It looks as if all your best options are to stay "married" and have more hobby money since you "don't love her" anymore. Maybe have an "open" marriage.
2strks two cents
You don't love your wife, you sound like you don't respect her or like her very much either. Leave her. Move on and give both of you a chance to find happiness and contentment elsewhere.
Of course your kids will be hurt but they'll cope, don't use them as an excuse to stay in a failed relationship. It won't be easy for anybody but it's the right thing to do and a couple of years down the line all of you will be in a better place.
Good luck.
The kids will be hurt, but they will cope. "Staying together for the kids" is NOT the right thing, ESPECIALLY if you both have decent incomes. Let them see people who respect each other and themselves, not people who are adhering to the concept of an institution and putting up and act with what is supposed to be one of the most beautiful things in life.
Having said that, why do you care what she does if you are fucking escorts regularly? Most on here would be thrilled.
You are playing around on TER and you are surprised your wife is having an affair? Sounds like a match made in heaven to me. You two are perfectly compatable.
IMHO the $4k would have been better spent on dates with escorts. Wouldn't it be kind of cool for you both to bump into each other in some hotel lobby with your respective dates? Wasn't Nick Nolte in a movie with this theme?
IMHO there are still feeling there or else you wouldn't have spend that type of money on a PI, unless it was just your pride that was wounded. Remember, to quote an old saying, "Pride is a Deadly Sin". What weapon does a woman use to fight back? You guess it th one between her legs, so, most likely she may still have feeling also. Before you decide to chuck it and get the lawyers involved try counseling. What the hell it DIDN'T work for me under much he same circumstances but maybe you'll luck out. Remember the next person you meet won't be perfect either, but you have loving children with this one and there will be wedding, births, etc. with this person which are much better enjoyed as a couple. My .02
Tell her thoughts of her with another man really turns you on. That sloppy seconds would be the ultimate. Enjoy her extra curricular activity. It's a real turn on. See if you could surreptitiously watch...say, from the closet.
Seriously, an approach to the situation is to begin by telling her you realize that you haven't been much of a husband and certainly understand her desire to get comfort outside the marriage. Tell her you'd like to improve and wonder if she'd be willing to work with you on improving, perhaps marital counseling. Divorce isn't all it's cracked up to be.
-- Modified on 11/2/2005 5:59:49 AM
...find out everything there is to know about the guy she's fucking (if you don't already know him). If you don't want to kick his ass (which is understandable since violence really won't solve anything and could get you behind bars), find another way to make him sorry. For example, find out if he's married. If he is, see if you could fuck his wife. Even better, if he has daughter(s) that are of age try to score with one of them (BINGO!!!) If these options aren't available or attractive to you, would it satisfy you to "out him" to his wife/ community? Seriously, search your feelings. We can't tell you what to do. Do you really think your marriage can stand up to something like this? IMHO,...Women are for loving. If you don't have that, then I'd rather live in a hole in the ground than to share a residence with a woman I didn't love.
A) Realize that you are not able to make objective decisions here - and seek guidance from those who can. Rather than fear the unknowns you cant control (house, assets, kids, social stigma, etc.), get a solid grasp of the facts from objective sources.
B) Get professional advice from a private counselor who helps you figure out what YOU want, what you need, and what you should do. Think of it like a tax advisor - still your taxes, but helps you work it out best.
C) Get professional divorce advice from a lawyer practicing where you will file...you will likely learn that the numbers are different than you thought (for reasons apparent in your post). At the very least understand the legal definition of 'Condonation' in your state.
D) Recognize you aren't in control - no ONE is in a real partnership. She should/must make her own choices, and they may not be your choices.
E) Address the root cause analysis...while reactionary action may have emotional appeal, it fails to address the underlying issues and will simply lead to more problems. This is likely best approached through JOINT counseling, and is worth attempting.
To me the issue isn't the cheating (many here cheat and get along just fine), but rather that you hired a PI to prove it. Speaks of deeper submerged issues of broken trust, communications, betrayal...
-- Deep 'Sirenity Now!' Heat
Gets to the heart of the case of "Planned parenthood of southeastern PA vs. Goveror Casey"
IF in any relationship - one side hides or decieves the other - why would that not cause anguish and pain. To remain where there is pain is masochistic. So consider - you and your wife are not commuicating. And a marriage is supposed to be about communication. why stay?
For those really concerned about the supreme court nominees - in the case of the PP of SEP vs Casey, civility would have gone a long way - but you cannot legislate civility and courtesy.
true honor and honesty are illusions - and probably not to be experienced on earth... but you can try to approximate them.... and much like the iceberg - even if you get 10% there - you are better than the average.
You forked over 4K to find out that your wife was having an affair. Let me clue you into a few items - 1st - either the neighbors knew or suspected. 2nd - either the kids knew or suspected. and third - your accountant knew.
Divorce? a bad thing? Help me understand how getting a divorce will keep you from hobbying? If your kids are college bound anyway, you will be a lot better off - I am probably older than you, with kids younger than yours and still - the D was good. Why do you wish to stay married - I am not getting it....
Sounds like you don't have sex anymore, don't like her - and IYO there is a slight financial advantage.... maybe. By the way, if you have documentation that she cheated - don't be so sure that a 50:50 split is the norm.... my ex cheated on me - I suspected - neighbors hinted etc.... but I did not go down that path - however, after the dust settled with a 50:50 (a long story that would let you know that is was not 50:50) a lawyer friend of mine looked at the settlement and said - you should have sued for alimony, and a greater share of the marital assets as you were damaged...!!! But whatever you do, don't cheat until you get the divorce handled!!!!!!!!!
luck.
Would you feel better if your wife had hired male escorts instead?
Your atf may have been sleeping in your bed all along and you never took action? It may be that she was dying to do all of those things you fantasize about for you, but you were never available for her? You had your mind in a providers coochie?
I can only offer the advice is to have an open and honset conversation. Do not play the blame game or you will both loose. Ask her why? Be generous and ask her what could you have done? Lay out on the table all of the things that you are interested in and all of the things you are afraid of?
And if you do get a divorce... There a thing called nesting that is amazing idea. The premise is that becasue the parents fucked up, not the kids, the parents move from place to place and the kids stay put in thier own house.
So when you have custody, you move in to your big house and stay with the kids. Your ex moves into a shared apartment and lives there until its her turn. Then you swap.
I know several people who have done this and it works! the kids are impacted the least amount possible and the adults who fucked it up, get to have what they want too.
But I caution it takes alot of being honest and being mad or being right has little room in this plan.
Maybe it didnt work for you two, but why make it suck any worse for your kids than you have too. Don't wait until they grow up and put them through all those years of un-happiness. Choose and then act!
It really depends on what YOU want. Do you want to be married to someone you like but don't love and be able to screw around, at least until kids are out of college? Or do you want a loving relationship with a life partner? Only you can answer those questions.
Whats the problem ?
Have an open relationship
Many people need that to make a marriage work.
Apparently you did.
It cheaper to keep her
Amen to you, Ciara, for you nailed it right on the head.
To the gentleman who is complaining about his wife: suck it up. She apparently needed to get a piece of the peppermint stick, while you were out here looking for Ms. Mounds bar. Sorry, but I don't feel sorry for ya.
Maybe you guys don't hear it, but this guy pretty much hates his wife and the tipping she's doing only intensifies his hatred of her. I suggest that you mind your P&Qs, do like someone suggested, stay out of other women's beds, confront her with the evidence and she'll probably beg you to leave and wont take you to the cleaners. With the kids near majority age, they will get over it. In case you don't know, they already know your marriage is for shit. Rather than stew yourself to death, get out while you still have your health. The animosity will only grow if you pretend this her infidelity doesn't matter to you, why else would you seek the solace of the this crazy board. The open marriage thing won't work since both of you have already decided to do your own thing. What bothers you most is she's getting laid for free.
-- Modified on 11/2/2005 12:36:02 PM
that he wouldn't be posting if she was worth looking at...
She is getting laid on the side, she must have some looks and moves. Guys usually dont risk their lives bedding married women unless there is attraction.
Gee I wonder why she went to the other side to get a new peppermint stick ? LOL.
Call me crazy...but why don't you talk to her instead of us? Wouldn't a decision like this be better made knowing what the other significant party brings to the table? It's like any other big decision; get all the pertinent information before leaping into the void; may turn out not to be much of a void after all.
It always amazes me when carrying on an open relationship in secret is less scary than doing it as two reasonable adults that understand that life is not black and white, and lifestyle creativity should be celebrated as canny problem-solving rather than shoved away into a tidy box to appease the chattering classes.
Why don't you take the 6k you spend on hobbying and spend it on mending the relationship? Can't believe you're actually surprised! If you don't love her anymore- why bother even coming out here to tell us? You already have the answers to you questions...
Bad, BAD Wifey Poo! How dare she cheat on you when you're sticking your dick somewhere else!!! How dare she find comfort and companionship with someone instead of sitting at home and waiting for you to finish up with your ATF! What nerve she has continuing on her life in a loveless marriage...
she is paying a provider. You should know that.
Either stop cheating on each other or get a divorce.
First, I find many of the responses here a bit inconsiderate. It's entirely possible that Wifey has been cheating for 10 or 20 years, and that Hubby is only participating in this hobby because he isn't getting any at home... any sex or love. Of course, there had to be both at some point or there wouldn't be a marriage and kids. And I'm just offering a supposition, though I think it's a plausible one. It's equally reasonable to believe that the tape captured her first indiscretion.
Here's the way I see it. Hubby is willing to cheat, and Wifey is willing to cheat. Obviously something is wrong in the relationship. While you may not love your wife, the more important question is if you want to love her and have her return that love. If so, then seek counseling. If not, then get a divorce.
So you use her money for escorting, but it isnt ok if she uses your money for the gas in her volvo she bought to get to her new peppermint stick ?
HAHAH
Sorry.
You spend 6K to 10K on hobbying and you are asking this? Man, what a double standard! If there was a real male escort board, with straight good looking males, I would venture a guess that a lot of wives would be doing exactly what you are doing....hobbying. Unfortunately, it is not as readily available so the wife has an affair. Let's speculate that the same reason you are here hobbying is most likely the same reason she had an affair. - Lia
what an ungrateful snod you are. You can play around all you want, and feel protected enough to post it here in a public website, yet you hire a PI to track your wife because she might be unfaithful ?
you're an ass. I would suspect that she did this about you some time ago. I doubt that you ever really loved your wife.
get a life. and make your own decisions and don't ask the public at large what to do.
idiot.