Here's a problem I'm struggling with:
Clients typically say that they want to please their provider, but in my experience they do not want any instruction, no matter how politely or sweetly put, on how to give sexual pleasure.
I am very sensitive "down there," but any time I've gently tried to encourage a softer approach, I get a lot of pouting or even anger. The same goes for, ouch, I'm not a yogi, my body can't bend that way without breaking, or, YEOW, when you stick your dry finger with sharp fingernails in my butt it really hurts!
It seems to me that the majority of clients want validation for their sexual performance exactly the way they do it - in other words, they don't want to change anything about their sexual methods, but they want you to like it just the way they do, and NOT the way you do. My provider girlfriends and I agree - the only way to get through a session much of the time is to pretend we're enjoying ourselves, since giving hints just doesn't seem to work.
So, gentleman, what are your opinions? How you reconcile the complaints we hear often enough in reviews about provider unenthusiasm (or obviously fake enthusiam) with a total unwillingness to learn what it takes to please an individual woman? Are you paying for a performance from your provider, or do you actually want to please her?
among individuals. Sometimes people focus on negative feedback, and enlarge that input, because bad things are more of a risk to any lifeform - IOW, I don't know what your sample or process is, but you may be overreacting. And of course, like any occupation, there are some people simply not physically suited.
That said, and taking your description at face value, I'd recommend you look out for yourself - I can't imagine any dry OR sharp finger going in a butt, and if they're too rough, then I wouldn't think it was worth it.
Maybe it's more accurate to say people tend to like it their way. Maybe the thing to do would be let your preferences be known - I suspect there's enough people who like it just about anyway you could imagine.
Please do not take this the wrong way, but when I am with a provider I am going to get mine. Part of me getting mine is to do my best to make sure she gets hers as well. I am very open to suggestion, as I do not know what pleases every woman, as much as I lie to my friends and say Ii do. But at the same time, a certain amount of enthusiam is expected, even if not real. if guys were interested in reality, the "Virtual Sex with..." dvds would not be selling very well.
...the only validation I want is in the form of "Oh my gosh Lex, you ARE sexy!" If you can say that convincingly, I'll pretty much do whatever you want however you want.
It's a little more complicated than that, though. For me, maybe I should be an actor, there's always a moment of disappointment that I didn't do it right. It's not anything directed at her, though.
Also, sometimes the instructions are more difficult than they sound. Such as giving and taking instructions during oral sex is not the easiest thing to do.
However, now that I'm medicated for ADD, that should be easier. Moreover, I have written women after sessions and asked them how I could have done something better, so I do want to learn.
I'd just go for the academy award.
That's a pretty "Broad" statement!
I saw that I goofed below. Sorry.
The responses are divided down the middle so far, which is kind of disheartening.
What would be the ideal way to give a hint in a non-threatening and gentle manner as possible, for those who would like guidance?
For those who don't want hints, but a guaranteed performance (i.e. "I'll get mine and you'll get yours, exactly how I decide you do"), do you treat your civilian, non-hobby experiences the same way?
There you have it. No easy answers in life. Play it safe, keep your mouth shut and take what you get. Or, say something and hope for the best. This is where gut instinct comes in. Only real advise is, keep the advise on how to improve for the long time regular who seems like an open minded "nice" guy, and hope that his ego is not easily bruised.
Yea, you gotta feed the monster.
My ego is so small I keep it in a hollowed-out BB.
Problem is: I lost the BB, so now I'm stuck doing these self-deprecating posts.
Has anyone found a hollowed-out BB with an ego in it? I'll give you a nickle for it's return...
If you think the male ego is gargantuan you must have never received an email from a lady that you gave a 7 when she thought she was an 8 or an 8 when she thought she was a 9 or when you gave provider A a 7 and Provider B an 8 and Provider A can't understand how you could ever think Provider B was more attractive.
actresses (and clients are {often bad} actors. Would you pay good money to go to a play and see some shlub play Hamlet while drinking a beer and mumbling his lines? Of course not. And when we see a good actor play Hamlet, we don't feel cheated when we read the Playbill and see that he is not really a prince of Denmark.
So, if we meet a provider and she writhes and oohs and ahhs in our arms and tells us that we are just wonderful, etc. do we really think in our heart of hearts that we are really Romeo?(Sorry for all the Shakespearinan metaphors.)
That being said, I do appreciate it when a provider gives a little positive advice on how to punch her buttons. I do want to be a better lover and make her time as enjoyable as possible. (Sometimes people can enjoy their work.) I have found that this only occurs with providers I have known for a long time (often years.) Some providers are really good at advising you in a way that makes you still feel great, others, well, not so great, but hey; that's life.
A session should be mutually pleasing to both parties. I ask "do you like it this way?" while DATY if her reaction is silence. I want to please her as much as I want her to please me. It should be a win-win for both.
at the most vulnerable time for a sex partner. (I know-- I know-- it's not rocket science... but there's so much sensitive stuff connected with sex. Childhood hang ups, insecurities, ego, etc.) And when I say "you" I don't mean "you"...I mean any man or woman attempting to dispense sexual information about themselves while they're naked.
Compounding the sensitivity issue is the fact you're attempting to communicate complex information in the midst of an "action". (ie: it's like trying to teach your kid how to swing a softball bat in mid-swing...the kid gets frustrated...not because they don't want your help but because they can't "take it" at that second.)
It's a matter of figuring out if your partner is in the space to take in information that will be construed as doing something wrong. How to deflate his dis-ease before you impart the info.
Sometimes that means being self-effacing...
Sometimes it's a sense of humor...
Sometimes it's being "naughty" and aggressive..
A lot of the time you can lay the groundwork for the "sensitive stuff" before you get undressed by establishing a vocabulary and a humorous way to deal with unknown stuff that's going to come up when two strangers are put in the situation that we put ourselves in.
Sometimes I'll say "don't be afraid to coach me" as I go down for DATY. Maybe I'll need it and maybe I won't but it cracks the door so she can feel comfortable talking about all sorts of stuff... Not just DATY. (That's just one example...)
You've got to "practice" this stuff like a doctor "practices" medicine. You never achieve perfection... it's an ongoing Practice.
It's fun, actually.
I want you to tell me outright that I am a blotchy, flabby old asshole with a little dick!
I have had this experience as well...offerning guidence to only have it *seemingly* ignored.
But is it ignored? or is there a better way to communicate (as Jockeypants discusses)? or is it that with some people it takes more work to find your groove?? Let's face it, sometimes it takes time to learn another persons body...and not eveyrone is as skilled as we are in these areas. We deal with reading the verbal and non-verbal signs of what is working everyday, therefore we catch on to the turn ons (and turn offs) a lot faster the average person. It's hard to remember sometimes that others are not as in tune with these things as we are...
I never let anyone *hurt* me. I have lube handy for dry fingers and will simply grab it and apply it myself if needed. If they are doing something I don't like, I don't tell them that...I just suggest something else that I would like better. As far as DATY, I prefer to cultivate (if you will) a wider variety of responsiveness by not having a *set* technique of what I need to get off. I try and let the guy do what he does (for the most part...) and work what I need to work in my head instead. I can actually get off when things are a little uncomfortable...again, it's about what's going on in my head sometimes. 
~ When guys ask me for feedback, in *most* instances I tell them to just keep doing what they are doing, and don't stop. 
Sometimes I'll even lend a hand...(or a toy, or whatever...) Most guys want you to get off and yes, want validation that they helped in that, but don't need to be the only thing that gets you off.
I know you asked for guys responses, but I couldn't help getting in on this...it's a great topic.
Cheers!
xoMegan
-- Modified on 11/3/2005 10:21:01 AM
Personally, I'm not looking for validation for my ability to please a woman. That said, I would like it to be as pleasurable as possible for her and am always open to gentle, tactful suggestions and requests.
On the other hand, I would really prefer that a provider NOT act too much... the unreal moaning is fairly obvious and detracts from my pleasure.
