I am in a relationship with a woman whose only prior lover was the man she was married to for 15 years. Before the relationship became sexual, I retired from the hobby with the intention of staying monogamous. My resolution did not hold --because of desire, compulsion, or addiction, name your poison. Once I returned to the hobby I tried to end the relationship, admitting to my girlfriend that I could not promise her fidelity. To make a very long story short, she now knows that I continue to see women but does not want to end the relationship. Neither do I. But she is terrified of STDs, and while I get tested regularly, there are no guarantees going forward. This situation actually led to three weeks of mutual abstinence. Ironically, that's not that difficult for me, because sex is not a driver for me in this relationship. But it's a big deal for her; for the first time in her life she is sexually satisfied. Assuming monogamy on my part is not an option (right now that would take a better man) how do we continue to have sexual relations without her continuing to be paranoid about STDs and worse? Condoms of course would make sense, but our only experiment in that direction was a disaster. She is not fertile and using the condom made her feel dirty and disgusting. Impasse? How do I DTRT? (Don't say leave her, you're no good for her. Tried that, doesn't work. It just might be love.)
It's doubtful that you can (or will) assuage her fears about the hobby. I assumed you do everything covered? Inasmuch as she cannot allay her own fears, at the same time, she needs to be wanted and you my son have lucked up because it's not often that you get such offers. Most ladies would run to the hills if you told them you were sleeping around. With getting philosophic, assure her that hobby whores are safer than the average barfly and if you are not just sticking it indiscriminately, she should be just fine. I also think that over time, you should be less forward about your activities; in the end, to lessen your own guilt about catting around will do nothing for building a long-term romance with her or anyone else. Work toward lessening your dependency on the hobby or every time you leave the house save for working hours, she'll think you are screwing someone else. Fear is powerful and it can be quite crippling.
Or you take care of her very well..
As Handsfree says,
Try something on your lunch hour.. maybe a reputable MP
The first appears to be true; I'm working on the second. Ironically, in this particular context, taking care of her may include being generous sexually, which leads me to the "conundrum."
The lunch hour idea isnt necessary; I have more personal freedom in this relationship than I can handle. As for MP, it doesn't do it for me (unless I really want a massage). I'm in the hobby because if I'm selective I can meet terrific and exciting women (for an hour or two . . . .)
Well said. Yes everything else is covered and yes I've given the whore/barfly speech (I happen to believe it's true). Your other suggestions are about 70% applicable to my actual situation; thank you.
Now she needs to come up with some answers. Doesnt seem as if the problem is in you. You are being honest etc..
If shes worried over stds then she shouldnt be with a man that is on the prowl..
I guess theres no easy answer.. but taking her out to dinner once a month and giving her your monthly testing report.. So romantic 
-- Modified on 9/27/2005 11:47:27 AM
If you are in the stage of love I like to call the "I love your breath" stage you would deny yourself anything, suffer any pain, do anything to be with her for just one night. Doesn't sound like you are in that stage. Don't feel bad, even the "Breath love" stage doesn't last forever. Most of us still love our SO, even if we don't like their mouth odor! If you love her enough (to insist on being with her, and wanting her to have peace of mind) you have 2 choices : stop f$ckin around or don't tell her you're f$ckin around and make sure she knows you're not. If you guys really luv one another she'll figure it out eventually, see that you went to some length to protect her, both physically and emotionally, and she will love you (just the same) or (all the more) or (she will cut your dick off). Easy choices.
The critical thing here is honesty, You have been open and honest about your needs and your intentions. but it is equally important to always reassure her of how special and important she is in your life. You have found a unique woman who is willing to share you. Now, it is critical for you to never let her forget how important she is. About the STDs, you can't do much more than asssure her of how careful you are and how determined you are to protect her.
...she if she'll do a menage et trois. Just hope she doesn't discover that she likes pussy as much as you do; you won't stand a chance.
ask her to use a female condom...the feel of barebask and not sooo dirty....this is a no win situation you are on different pages..often love is not enough of a reason...compulsion is a bitch...you know it
Imagine trying to use a female one? do you know what we have to go thru to use those ? LOL!!
and one of the few people here that can understand as a civie and someone in the same situation. Unfortunately for you DTRT NOT from your side. First, its not LOVE, you may care for her and love the friendship, but you don't LOVE her. Second, there is a book she needs to read,"He's just not that into you". Oh sure you are into her, just NOT that way. Although I'm sure you have her snowed on that. If you have no problems sticking around in her life, then its all on her. She needs to decide what makes her happy, decide what she wants and set her boundaries (thanks K). DTRT you're a cheater! At least with this woman you are and always will be a cheater. Once she realizes that and she sits down and decides what she needs to make her happy.......Honey you won't have to even worry about your little puzzle. Conundrum solved. I only wish she and I who are so similar move forward with courage and we D.T.R.T.........
till this time DTRT ,be safe.
Who says I disagree with you? On your first point, I would only add that there is a difference btwn loving someone and being in love with them. I do believe that I love and care for this woman. As for your second point, I've tried repeatedly to break up with this woman, sometimes to the point of heated arguments, with me taking the POV that we need to stop seeing each other because this relationship is not good for her. Her family, psychiatrist and support group have all voiced similar concerns. Her answer is basically that right now she loves me too much, and that maybe soon she will be ready, and if and when that day comes I'll be the "loser." Of course, if I were a real mensch I'd just cut the cord, but right now for a lot of reasons I need her in my life, and I've basically given up trying to argue with the kindest stalker I've ever met.
PS, to make myself clear, if tomorrow my friend came to me and said the same things you said in your post, I would accept her decision. Given my behavior, I have no right to ask her to stay in this relationship.
PPS, I have to ask -- why are you on TER? Are you a provider? If yes, how do you square your profession with your otherwise reasonable views on relationships? If not, why are you on TER? (This is not meant with any hostility; I'm honestly curious).
Speaking as a man who is quite fond of Holly.