I've dealt with a sibling who was in an abusive marriage, and I did all I could to help her. I babysat her child, gave her my shoulder to cry on, encouraged her to change things in her life to make it better, and administered some tough words to make the point.
"Oh, you're right, that's what I'll do," she'd say. When her husband got out of jail, she took him right back in... and guess who was made out to be the bad guy? I was! Yep, blame it all on me, that way neither of you has to take responsibility for your behavior. It killed two birds with one stone: Neither of them accepted responsibility for their problems, and he gets me back out of the picture. (A common tactic of abusers is to distance the abusee from her family and friends. The more isolated she is, the more control he can lord over her.)
Back and forth they went, again and again. I learned my lesson to stay out of it after the first serious round. I can totally see why cops get so discouraged when dealing with domestic violence problems. He needs to go to jail, and she needs a good bitch slap!
Listen carefully: It's not going to get better. He does not respect you and never will. It's too late for respect. You already let him hit you a second time. Leave him, move on, and don't look back.
Trust me, your friends don't want to hear your whining any more. Maybe that's why you came here, looking for sympathy. Sorry, but you won't get it from me. Another thing: I'm a girl who never has felt I needed a man. I like and enjoy men, and I would like very much to find someone compatible, so that we could share our lives together.
Some girls seem always to need a man, even if he is a shiftless, wife-hittin' loser. Water seeks its own level. Is that the level you want to be on?
But, you probably won't listen to me either.
-- Modified on 9/22/2005 3:12:34 AM
hey everyone i need help from providers and clients...ok here goes..i'm a well known provider whom has been married for 8months....i sometimes think i made a mistake...when i meet my hubby he knew i was a provider and no he was not a client..when sometimes i feel my hubby doesn't respect me as a human being/ a woman...i guess i am so confused...i really don't know what to do...i really would love to quit working as a provider and find a hubby whom can take care of me i just don't know i am confused please help...you can also email me at [email protected] also my hubby has a bad temper and has hit me 2 times both times he promised not to do it again...help
Leave him. It will only get worse. You can't change him. He will not respect you more. He probably is hurting inside from knowing that you have sex with so many other men. His hurt and anger will only grow. Leave him now before it's too late.
call the police and leave. Never go back!!! No second chances. Make it clear from day one and stick to it.
Word of encouragment: You are doing the right thing and should be applauded for breaking free of the destructive cycle (before it escalates).
Word of caution: Read up on co-dependence...and get a personal therapist....and focus on why you got into the relationship in the first place, and what active steps you can take to ensure you dont continue to form disfunctional relationships. Dr. Drew on loveline pretty much has this nailed...just as subtle flirting leads to romance and sex, so do subtle signals lead to abusive guys finding their victims.
Word of hope: You go girl...it does get better. You are on the right path. Be strong, dont relapse (with him), and get yourself the support network you need to maintain healthier relationships.
-- Deep 'know more about this than I ever wanted to' Heat
-- Modified on 9/23/2005 6:01:19 AM
Standing Ovation for Angie!!
you have an email from me deary... please stay safe and be careful if he hits once, it will be most likely repeated....
anyone who strikes a lady is a f*ck*n creep, dump da bum, you're much better off without him. Respect yourself enough to not hook up with anyone who doesn't respect you.
This is my first reply, so I'm sorry if I screw it up. Whatever a person does, he or she does not deserve to be hit. I am an attorney with a family law practice,and I can tell you from experience that a hitter does not stop, at least not without help. Your profession is your profession, and there is nothing wrong with it. You didn't hide your work from him, and he has no reason to hit you.
Your instincts are correct. A man who hits you does not respect you as a human being or a woman. There are safe houses in virtually all areas of the USA where women can find shelter from abusers. I sent you an email.
that never do change. NEVER!! Even tough they are sorry and claim they will never do it again, it will happen again. And, it will get worse, until you are being treated at a hospital for some serious injuries.
These stories always get bleaker as time goes on and you may become the victim of a violent homicide. You must make the choice to leave him at once, even if there is danger in doing so, because of his temper. There are thousands of stories that ended the same way. Don't be a statistic.
He has chosen to deal with your profession in an angry way, the only one he knows. This is in stead of just leaving you, which HE should have done.
I doubt that his violence has anything to do with your profession. {If anything, it gives him more porwer, in his warped thinking] because he can hold it over your head and/or use it as a cover for his perversion. He is an abuser and there is nothing you can do to change that as long as you stay with him. Look in your area for a Domestic Violence help center and contact them ASAP. Whether one can be happily married and still be a provider is a totally separate issue that you can deal with only after you get away from this abusive relationship. Rember that in no way do you deserve this treatment. The violence problem is totally his. You simply are his current target. Run!
Oh god sweetie you should of never married him get out now why you still can any man who would hit a woman is a low life loser and will do it again!!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER no matter what your profession is. Leave him now and be strong XO
You know there are thousands of women in your same situation all over this country. Except they are truly stuck in their situation, no family, kids, making $6.75 an hour and cannot scrape enough to even think about leaving an abusive situation. You however were doing fine before him and can leave him at any time and be fine on your own, the only question is why have you not left already? If you do not leave him after he has hit you (even once) well then you will get no sympathy from me. And do not come back with "well we are in love" Bull, he does not love you. Apologizing for hitting you is not love. How about this concept "treating someone you love nicely in the first place" is that to far out for you to grasp?
Just face it, you screwed up, married the wrong guy, no shame in it you probably only did it because your Mom did the same thing. Pack up, leave, get it over with, be thankful there are no kids in the picture to mess them up as well, get a restraining order against him and go and live your life.
Your life is not over because you cannot make a marriage work.
From what you are saying i would suggest that you leave him until he gets counselling for anger management or whatever problem he has. You should have left him after the first manifestation of violent behavior. Only you can know if you love him for himself or whether you loved who you thought he could be. I hope that you remain safe.
-- Modified on 9/22/2005 12:27:01 AM
-- Modified on 9/22/2005 12:29:02 AM
Angie,
GET OUT as fast as you can, I know its a scary time for you, but you made it before you got married and you'll make it again. Get a restraining order so the creep cant come back and hurt you when you try to leave his ass. You can always come to Cali where there are a lot of straight men to take of you.
Guys like that apologise for hitting you only to get you to stick around so they can do it again.
It's like a con man who robs you for $100 then gives up a sob story and $10. They don't give a shit about you; that $10 is just an investment in getting a shot at more of your money. In your case it's an investment in being able to slap you around whenever the hell he wants. A con is a con. Don't buy it. Get out ASAP!
I've dealt with a sibling who was in an abusive marriage, and I did all I could to help her. I babysat her child, gave her my shoulder to cry on, encouraged her to change things in her life to make it better, and administered some tough words to make the point.
"Oh, you're right, that's what I'll do," she'd say. When her husband got out of jail, she took him right back in... and guess who was made out to be the bad guy? I was! Yep, blame it all on me, that way neither of you has to take responsibility for your behavior. It killed two birds with one stone: Neither of them accepted responsibility for their problems, and he gets me back out of the picture. (A common tactic of abusers is to distance the abusee from her family and friends. The more isolated she is, the more control he can lord over her.)
Back and forth they went, again and again. I learned my lesson to stay out of it after the first serious round. I can totally see why cops get so discouraged when dealing with domestic violence problems. He needs to go to jail, and she needs a good bitch slap!
Listen carefully: It's not going to get better. He does not respect you and never will. It's too late for respect. You already let him hit you a second time. Leave him, move on, and don't look back.
Trust me, your friends don't want to hear your whining any more. Maybe that's why you came here, looking for sympathy. Sorry, but you won't get it from me. Another thing: I'm a girl who never has felt I needed a man. I like and enjoy men, and I would like very much to find someone compatible, so that we could share our lives together.
Some girls seem always to need a man, even if he is a shiftless, wife-hittin' loser. Water seeks its own level. Is that the level you want to be on?
But, you probably won't listen to me either.
-- Modified on 9/22/2005 3:12:34 AM
there are lessons in her messagefor others entering relationships.
You should seek a counselor to help you leave this guy. He will not change without serious professional interventtion, which it sounds like he will not do. Second, you were correct to not quit being a provider as that will provide you with the financial independence to distance yourself from this guy.
Next, a bit down on this post - another provider hit the nail right on the head, marriage should never be about one person "Supporting" another. IT should be about two people finding enough common ground that they wish to "Share" both responsibilities and rewards.... key word is share. This guy only wishes to share pain - and not responsibility and rewards.
Finally, there are a lot of free services that can assist you in "physically" removing yourself from this situation - do it. He will promise to "be nice and never do it again" but that is simply not true - He cannot help himself.
I was married to an abusive woman. Her mother was abusive.... From my perspective, you are dealing with a serious problem, that is not yours, however, if you stay in the situation, you will be enabling the behavior. Quite simply, don't. As time goes on, it will be harder and harder to quit the situation as you will convince yourself that either 1) this is normal and all couples act like this or 2) he will change. Neither is true.
Good luck - get out now.
Assuming this is a legitimate question...
1. Leave immediately. He's abusive both physically and emotionally and he's not going to change. People rarely do.
2. If you're looking for a husband to take care of you - then you need to work on yourself first. Most men that won't be abusive prefer a woman who can handle her own business. They aren't intimidated by strong women, rather they embrace them. Please don't read more into this than what's there - women who stay at home aren't in my view weak by nature, some are the strongest women I know, but since you're looking for a sugar daddy from jump, I'd say you need to find some strength of your own or you are doomed to repeat this mistake.
I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.