I appreciate everyone's feedback, comments and PMs. Some helpful and some very cruel and harsh, but that is ok. I knew I would open myself up to criticism and ridicule and some embarrassment in writing this thread. I needed an outlet and perspective. I do have self respect, however I lost my heart and control of my feelings in the process. I truly regret some things, but not knowing her.
If I could have found a shrink to talk to I would have. I lost sight of what the hobby is for and yes probably became obsessed. I am sure I pushed her and our arrangement to far. It was not my intention. I relied on her too heavily and mixed fantasy and reality. Take care and be happy and safe.My best
Step
Part 1
I met this stunning woman a while (couple years) ago. She is an awesome lady in this world we play in. I Saw Her numerous times. After 15 meetings or so she started running really late to our meetings which was so out of character for her. I mean 60 to 90 minutes late. Once she said she had a hard time falling asleep, which is why she slept through our 10am appt time, but I saw on here that she had posted an ad around 7am. Just a few hours before our meeting. We met anyway a little later, but I tucked that away as it seemed a little odd. Another time she cut short a three hour session to two. I made some very special arrangements for that session so I was a little hurt that she left early after we had agreed to the time frame, but hey, shit happens and I had come to enjoy and like everything about her.
Then shit hit the fan. One day she canceled on me (30 minutes late) saying she was in a fender bender and the cop had not taken her report yet. I don't hear from her for the remainder of the weekend after (repeated) texts to see if she was ok. Finally she emails me saying her phone screen broke and her new phone would arrive soon.
We Agreed to meet a few days later then about 10 minutes before our session she texted me that something came up with her kids and she could not make it. After about 16+ appointments with no cancellations she has two in a row. She tells me that she is completely free three days later. No kids, so we agree to a 10am appt. I texted her the night before and the morning of at 940 ( but deep down I had that awful anxious feeling she was going to cancel on me again. Her reply to me "having a hard time making it there by 10." I never hear from her again. I ask her what time she thought she could make it, but nothing. I waited till almost 11am (90 minutes of waiting) and finally leave. I texted her my apologies for whatever it was I did wrong and hoped to see her again.
About a month later I received a text from her, "sorry for disappearing on you, hope all is well." (This was her excuse for 2 cancellations and a no show, disappearing on me???) This text made my day though. While I hoped to hear from her again I was not so sure that I would. That episode the month prior with her drained me, and I know it should not have, but it did (emotionally and physically because it was so unexpected and without reason...I was a regular and I was truly fond of her..yea it hurt me).
So we agree to meet about a week later and the session went off despite a couple of issues on the time, but we made it. During our session she drops the "I think I started my period" right in the middle of CG. Don't most ladies know when they are about to start? What did she want me to do? We were close to finishing, and we did, we cleaned up, said how nice it was to see one another and hugged good bye.
A couple weeks later we agreed to meet again and I brought her some gifts (something I had hoped and planned to do a long time ago for a certain occasion). A gift card for $100 for her favorite fancy restaurant, a 125 gift card to a finer salon/spa in town, a throw blanket and a scarf/sash to keep her warm (plus the hour session fee and a small tip). I was nervous that day, in the back of my mind I was not sure which version of this lady I was going to see and did not perform my best that day.i was just happy to see her and to think that maybe things were going to go back the way they were before all the drama but something inside me had me on edge.
Then.
part 2
a couple weeks later we agreed to meet up for a session on a Sunday evening and then attend something else together. I get a text 15 minutes before agreed meeting time that something came up with family and she could not make it. (Uh oh is it happening again?) I replied okay, hope all is well. I had these tickets to this event and hoped we could reschedule and asked her to tell me know if/when she wanted to reschedule.
The next night we agreed to meet up for a session (not the event) at 8pm. I noticed at 750 she was online placing an ad to tour another town so I texted her to let her know I was close to our incall. I hear nothing from her. I texted and waited for an hour and silence. I finally go home majorly disappointed, but this time a little upset and hurt. She texted me three hours later that she was sorry, she fell asleep on her couch and she understood if I never wanted to see her again. She was online (another board) placing an ad 10 minutes before our appointment! ?!?! WTF the time stamp was right there. You fell asleep in 10 minutes? I did not question her on this though.
We texted back and forth and I straight up asked her if she wanted me to call on her and she replied "yes please!"
We try again two nights later at 8pm. I Let Her know I was close. She said great, maybe a few minutes late because she was watching her nieces and nephews but not much longer. I arrived at location and waited 30 minutes and asked her how much longer.....no reply...texted again about 30 minutes later and nothing from her.
After more than an hour of waiting I proceeded to share with her my thoughts on her actions the last few after months and how unprofessional for such an upscale provider.
I was stewing mad and hurt. I emailed her a few days later expressed some more thoughts and we went back and forth a little and we both apologized for actions and things said.. I sent a text, but never heard from her again. .....until. ..
A few weeks later she emailed me stating she had a new number and wanted me to have it. ?!??!?! I had cooled down and we had forgiven each other (but I did not trust her) and somehow agreed to meet again. We did and the session was AMAZING!!!! she was right on time, seemed happy to see me, and I thought, great we are back.
then I tried reaching out to her a few weeks later on a couple of places (p411, email and text) and I heard nothing. 2 weeks plus go by with no replies to me at all. So I Did something Totally stupid. I saw she was touring again and wanted to see if she would reply to an interested and new client. I made up a couple new email accounts, and emailed her. She replied immediately. I then sent her an email from my account and she picked up that they came from the same ip. She was confused to say the least. I was upset and hurt to say the least and felt like the world's biggest piece of shit.
At that I questioned my involvement in the hobby. I closed down all my hobby accounts and email. After a few days I emailed and apologized. I also worked it out with TER to reopen this account. Still mulling whether I will reopen my p411.
I know in my time with her I grew very fond of her. I developed feelings for her and I shared this with her through little cards when I provided my donation, gift, and emails. Deep down I feel as though I may have become obsessive. I don't know. I repeatedly asked her if we were cool and she had always said yes. She always responded to my communications and appointments. Then the whole fender bender and things. I know I had an affinity for her, more like deep affection. I don't care that she sees others, I know that is the name of the game. I just wanted to see her.
In the end I developed both a fondness and desire for her, and a frustration and mistrust. It was such a cocktail of emotions.
I never shared who this was.....don't really need to. She is a good woman and provider, I think the behavior was more of an isolated thing with me. In 15 years in and out of the hobby I NEVER developed feelings for a provider the way I did her. I learned the hard way why I need to keep things fun and professional.
I am truly trying to take a little break from this hobby though keeping my foot in the door. I have met some amazing women over the past few years and hope, despite what I shard here, that some will still see me again. And that a few new ones will consider to meet me as a new client.
Sorry for the very long post. I feel as though I needed to confess this to get it off my chest. I also do hope that my old friend is well. Sorry for any and all drama
Unless you just want to confess to not having any self respect and completely losing perspective regarding the relationship between provider and client. It sounds as though you let someone walk all over you.
I don't mean that in a cruel way, and [b]you seem a little obsessed so it's entirely possible that her version of events would be much different than yours - possibly including stalker-like and other obsessive behavior.[/b]
You probably should take a break if you are willing to let stuff like this get to you. There are many good reasons this market exists...one of them is the happy distance you get once you finish up the transaction and both parties are on their way.
Anyway, good luck.
I appreciate your candor and honest pov. It's what I need to hear. I am sure she has a story. It's one I wish I knew. I can take the honesty and truth, not the games. This is supposed to be fun and I lost focus and perspective. I fucked up for sure.
I don't mean that in a cruel way, and [b]you seem a little obsessed so it's entirely possible that her version of events would be much different than yours - possibly including stalker-like and other obsessive behavior.[/b]
You probably should take a break if you are willing to let stuff like this get to you. There are many good reasons this market exists...one of them is the happy distance you get once you finish up the transaction and both parties are on their way.
Anyway, good luck.
It sounds like you got too close. I would agree with the above response, almost to a point of obsessiveness.
However, if those feelings were somewhat mutual, if she wasn't telling you the truth, you could have said some of the things you did here - as in "10 min before you placed an ad", and she could have responded. That can go a long way.
You may never know the real reasons for all the cancellations. But next time, don't let your head get in the way. Just tell her you are disappointed, because you were really looking forward to some time with her...and leave it at that.
Take a break, and gain some perspective. Many of us have been in your shoes, though, including myself.
Agreed. I got too close. She did not share any feelings other than she was flattered and thanked me. I am sure I was obsessive. I guess that is part of my confession. I Did that to her and to myself. I believe my actions or words lead her to do what she did. I asked her once, but she said no.
I am getting away this weekend and and next week. Going to unplug and try to take an extended hiatus from activities. Thx.
However, if those feelings were somewhat mutual, if she wasn't telling you the truth, you could have said some of the things you did here - as in "10 min before you placed an ad", and she could have responded. That can go a long way.
You may never know the real reasons for all the cancellations. But next time, don't let your head get in the way. Just tell her you are disappointed, because you were really looking forward to some time with her...and leave it at that.
Take a break, and gain some perspective. Many of us have been in your shoes, though, including myself.
Don't beat yourself up. You were open to her - she seemed open to you. You went for it. She flaked (or freaked - or whatever). You got hurt. So what? Can you live with it? Is it going to effect how you act around the next girl you meet?
For all of this kind of shit that we have to deal with in this game - the women probably experience it 10x as much. We have very intimate moments with one another. Pheremones are released. Humans are genetically predetermined to develop affectionate feelings for those we fuck. Imagine doing this every day with men who want nothing to do with you afterwards. It violates the rules of discretion to even call to ask "Hey - how're you doing?" People come into your life every day - never to be heard from again - with no rhyme, reason, or explanation. Its only natural that people develop walls for self-preservation. And I will never suggest to a provider that she is wrong to have those boundaries for her self-defense. Nor will I suggest that any of the men on here who say you have to keep your distance are wrong. Everyone needs to protect themselves however they can.
But for me .... I CHOOSE to remain open to the possibility of friendship. I actually choose to be open to the possibility of friendship with everyone I meet, business or personal. That's just how I want to live my life. In this world, that has led to several hurts, many disappointments, and a few WTF moments. But its also allowed me to have some really great times with some terrific ladies.
I can take the hurts. It doesn't cause me to doubt myself. If you can take it, then buck up. Smile with the memories she gave you that no one can ever take away. And go happily on to the next lady that you find attractive and interesting. The great thing about this is that there are so many to choose from - and each of them is a completely unique person. If you don't close yourself off, chances are quite good that you'll find another friend soon.
I'm sure this type of thread is all over the boards here, but hey - why not toss it out again. I'm not at a 100% eye roll yet, because yes, over the years I've had off-the-clock friendships with providers...gone to bars, movies, even a trip or two. Those have been a lot of fun, and while not discounting the nice relationship we had, I've NEVER lost perspective of the fact that the impetus for the friendship was a business transaction, and I'm sure that they didn't either.
I realize we are all different. For example, I don't look at the world as billions of possible friendships. But you should definitely keep your shit together about these things. Heck, if you remove the provider aspect from OP's original post, almost any civvie relationship with those actions would yield the same result.
I appreciate everyone's feedback, comments and PMs. Some helpful and some very cruel and harsh, but that is ok. I knew I would open myself up to criticism and ridicule and some embarrassment in writing this thread. I needed an outlet and perspective. I do have self respect, however I lost my heart and control of my feelings in the process. I truly regret some things, but not knowing her.
If I could have found a shrink to talk to I would have. I lost sight of what the hobby is for and yes probably became obsessed. I am sure I pushed her and our arrangement to far. It was not my intention. I relied on her too heavily and mixed fantasy and reality.
Take care and be happy and safe.
My best
Step