A man walks by a pet store and sees a sign "special parrot for sale, $600". Curious, he walks in and asks the owner what is special about the bird.
The owner answers that the parrot observes everything around him and (you all know that parrots have excellent memory, right?) describes it on request. Well, thinks the man "that may be the solution to my problem..." (He happened to think that his wife was cheating on him). So, he says "may I see it?". The owner goes in the back and brings out a cage with the bird and a perch. The man takes a look and say "heck, that bird has no legs!". The owner answers "yes, that is why he is marked down, but fear not - you put him on his perch and he holds on with his dick". The guy buys the whole thing, goes home and the wife tells him "you are an idiot, that is the sorriest bird I've ever seen!". The next morning the guy feeds the parrot, puts him on the perch and leaves for work... He comes back that evening, finds the wife already in bed and the parrot passed out on the floor. He takes the parrot to the kitchen, wakes him up by throwing cold water on it and says "report". "Well" says the parrot "it was very boring until three o'clock, when the doorbell rang""OK, what happened?"
"She wet to answer in in her bathrobe that was partially open"
"Did she open the door?"
"Yes, this man came in and she hugged and kissed him"
"Then what?"
"Then they walked by me arm in arm; she was undoing his belt and one of her boobs was showing"
"Christ... And then?"
"They embraced and kissed some more, then she got down on her knees, unzipped his fly and reached in his shorts"
"OMG, what did she do next?"
"Well, she pulled out his dick and put it in her mouth"
"And then?"
"Then nothing, I got a hard on, fell off my perch, hit my head and passed out until you found me"
A lady approaches her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. Then, your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she noticed his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those damn beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
A guy has a parrot that came from a home where everything was "fuck this", and "fuck that", and "fuck you".
He reads up on how to break a parrot of such talk, and one place said to punish the parrot each time it swears by putting it in the fridge for a few minutes.
So, the next time the bird swears, he picks it up and tosses it in the fridge for a minute. He opens the door and the bird says "Fuck you.' He slams the fridge door and waits two minutes, the bird still cusses each time he opens it.
Finally in desperation, he takes the parrot and tosses him in the freezer. There's a frozen turkey in the freezer and when the parrot sees it he says to the turkey: "What the fuck did you say?"
A man walks by a pet store and sees a sign "special parrot for sale, $600". Curious, he walks in and asks the owner what is special about the bird.
The owner answers that the parrot observes everything around him and (you all know that parrots have excellent memory, right?) describes it on request. Well, thinks the man "that may be the solution to my problem..." (He happened to think that his wife was cheating on him). So, he says "may I see it?".
The owner goes in the back and brings out a cage with the bird and a perch. The man takes a look and say "heck, that bird has no legs!". The owner answers "yes, that is why he is marked down, but fear not - you put him on his perch and he holds on with his dick". The guy buys the whole thing, goes home and the wife tells him "you are an idiot, that is the sorriest bird I've ever seen!".
The next morning the guy feeds the parrot, puts him on the perch and leaves for work... He comes back that evening, finds the wife already in bed and the parrot passed out on the floor.
He takes the parrot to the kitchen, wakes him up by throwing cold water on it and says "report".
"Well" says the parrot "it was very boring until three o'clock, when the doorbell rang"
"OK, what happened?"
"She wet to answer in in her bathrobe that was partially open"
"Did she open the door?"
"Yes, this man came in and she hugged and kissed him"
"Then what?"
"Then they walked by me arm in arm; she was undoing his belt and one of her boobs was showing"
"Christ... And then?"
"They embraced and kissed some more, then she got down on her knees, unzipped his fly and reached in his shorts"
"OMG, what did she do next?"
"Well, she pulled out his dick and put it in her mouth"
"And then?"
"Then nothing, I got a hard on, fell off my perch, hit my head and passed out until you found me"