I always expect to be used as a reference... If the person asking for the reference isn't someone I've heard of, i will sometimes ask the gentleman if he requested...

the only thing that can be a little bothersome is when they use me over and over and over and over. i am very quick to reply to reference requests, so thats probably why they do... but after a while i think its best to use a most recent reference.

personally i think using the two or three that you have seen recently just makes the most sense.

if you're an ex client in the way that she asked you to not contact her again, then its probably not a good idea to use her. the point of a reference is that we have met you, you were safe and nice, and we would see you again. i dont want to tell a lady, "heck yeah.. go see this guy!" if i dont feel the same way.  

xoxo

Oh no.

Never. That's pretty much part of the package. I'm happy to pass along the good vibrations.

to give her a heads up in the future, after another provider contacted her for a reference. It was a choice of 3 providers and I did not know which one was going to be chosen.

That was the first request I had to do this, so etiquette varies. Best practice is to ask your references their preferences.