some women can't

they are pregnant, have lou gehrig's disease, in the hospital, mentally unstable

marriage is till death do you part

Frigidity, delusion, arrogance, vapidity, ambivalence and yes apathy all serve to proliferate A-sexuality amongst married women.
 I often ponder the possible rise in wives dedication to their conjugal responsibilities along with their overall libidos if husbands were to start paying them cash for each romp in the rack. After all IAATM.

  Cm.

Very similar complaints from my straight female friends who are married as well as the not-so-straight married women I've had affairs with in the past.

When it comes to complaints about sex (or lack thereof) in marriage, don't kid yourself...it happens on both sides.  I think women are less likely to cheat and more likely to leave a relationship.  I also think they're more likely to have emotional, long-term relationships vs. quickies.  

But according to marital adultery polls, times seem to be changing so that women are more like the men in how they deal with unhappiness in marriage.

I am actually not in a sexless marriage.  My wife and I have sex a couple times a week (on average).  Oral (given & received) happens regularly. I won't use my wife as an 'excuse' for why I have gone to providers.  Its about me.  

I wanted variety - someone different to have sex with.  I wanted to explore positions that my wife won't do anymore (doggie). I wanted to be the center of someone else's attention for a while.  I did it for my*self*.

As for guys in sexless marriages I would make two suggestions - do a lot more of the housework (stuff that has to be done every day or week) and spend more time with your kids.  Wifes appreciate that.  Over time it pays off.  (Doesn't apply to the guys whose wives are physically or mentally incapable of having sex.)

Ironic that I've been thinking alot about this today since standing in line at Jamba Juice this morning with my 11-year-old son as I tried not to be too obvious in oogling the 20-something beauty behind me. A gnawing, hollowness filled my insides at the thought not being able to spend a few hours of sweaty fun amidst the bedsheets with such a lovely (my ever-lovely wife having lost interest in such activities soon after our son was born). Then I thought of this "hobby" and the budding depression quickly passed. Cheerfully, I went back home, kissed my wife and told her to go enjoy some "Mom" time. I acknowledge that this isn't the way I envisioned married life, but it could be alot worse.

Part of being civilized is to overcome our humanness. Given our druthers, we would lie, cheat, and steal. But as we grow up, we realize that there are benefits if everyone plays by the rules. For many marriages, the rule is monogamy. For those in that type of marriage, one is called to overcome one’s humanness.

It is sad to read the responses of guys who say they hobby for variety. I doubt they are in the open marriage camp, because it is cheaper to shag someone at a bar. They are probably keeping their philandering under the radar from their wives. In an open marriage, you don’t have the problem of explaining the mistress. “For variety” – how self centered.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, I feel sad for the guy who is in the situation where his wife is incapable of satisfying his needs. That is a hard burden to bear. I feel for you.

Close to that are guys with wives who are not interested. A tough burden to bear too But, in some respects, she has chosen to break an implied part of the marriage agreement. We will be monogamous, AND we will fill each other’s needs. Maybe because it is her choice that I have less sympathy for the guy with the wife that cannot meet his needs. At least there is the ability to confront the wife before seeking other ways to fill the need.

Then there are guys like me. A sad lot we are. I get it enough that I would never be mistaken for a priest, but not as much as I would like. However, she does little more than lay there. Inhibitions. What’s a guy to do? Confront the wife, and you loose what little you get. She is arguably satisfying her side of the marriage covenant (though barely). I chose to break the covenant.

“Don't these married women realize … women just don't care.” I wonder, do they care? Maybe because they are woman, they do not fully comprehend the man. Maybe because it is not important to them that they do not think about how important it is to the guy.

In the 50’s and earlier, where majoring in MRS was an honorable goal, there were stories about that time where mothers would tell their daughters about marriage and how to keep their husbands devoted to them. Sometimes that included tips on sex. Queen Victoria was rumored to tell ladies when they are making a payment on the marriage debt to close your eyes and think of England.

There was a young couple where the husband was a pastor. A Barbie and Ken couple. I have no idea how it came up in conversation, but my wife heard her saying (paraphrased) that she keeps herself hot in order to keep her husband from every wanting to stray. I wonder how many girls today are being told how to keep their husbands devoted to them.

Not care, or don't know?

Ladies: What were you taught?

Partnership.  Someone to share the daily joys and struggles of life.  Someone who *knows* and understands, and loves us warts and all. Who will be with us as we grow old.  A witness.  Someone who will BE there.  Etc, etc.  

Are you asking why we seek to love and cherish?!?
That floating peaceful glowing feeling, warm and reassuring, heartbeats synchronizing with the breath and the gaze into THOSE eyes or in THAT embrace, giving and receiving and feeling that THIS is why we are alive... to share THIS.

No, marriage is not necessary.

The legal ceremony (and divorce) and the "love and honor and cherish until death do us part" as we recognize it is a relatively recent concept in human history.  Weddings were traditionally ways for families to affect lineage and wealth distribution and of keeping class and caste systems in place.  I'll not get on any feminist rants (today) as to the history of women having no inheritance or social status and rights, being property of the husbands and her dowry not being her own...

The organized church has a vested interest in what "marriage" means, as does the IRS.  I'll also leave my rant aside (for today) on the social engineering which is done through "sacred" unions.

What's that piece of paper worth?  You don't need it for the above needs to be filled... though the divorce process will make you seriously think about whether differences are irreconcilable or not before simply walking away.

HOW did sex become equated with love and life union?  WHO taught you first that fidelity = monogamy?  Is sex with your partner essential for a good marriage?  Only if it is a monogomous union, then yes - it does become very important unless both parties are asexual (some people are.)

I do not believe the % of my clients who are married is as high as you state... I could be wrong, I do not ask.

There are many reasons aside from a sexless marriage to seek companionship.  Some actually honorable.  Some perhaps deplorable.  Most are likely in that gray area which is colored by shades of truth and perspective and intent.

It is assenine and ignorant to assume that not only are men seeking companions due to a sexless marriage, but further that married women are responsible for these sexless marriages.  It takes two, or the lack of two.  Women in marriages who ARE the ones to turn their sexual flow off have done so for a reason - (assuming no physical cause) - psychological or emotional and likely related to the deeper and more subtle aspects of the relationship itself and/or her needs and what she is not getting fulfilled.

I'd imagine most women DO realize that a partner unfulfilled sexually is highly likely to seek connection elsewhere and/or that they are very unhappy.  I wish more men realized this as well and learned as much as they could about their partners needs and desires, encouraged growth and exploration, shared compassion and connection... without assuming it is a "given" simply through the physical connection.

Do these women care?
Do these men care?
Hell, do you care?

What was the point of your post again?!?

For romantics, there is an inherant desire to believe that what they have found with another person is "special" and can last a lifetime.

The cynic will instead believe that it is man's primal fear of being alone (whether for periods of time or when they get old) or fear of the unknown and having to possibly meet someone new and deal with any of the difficulties that might come with it that is the true motivation for marraige.

I myself tend to be a romantic, but I also think that most people who assume that mantle don't have either realistic expectations of the experience or the ability to communicate through problems/accept differences that will lead to their hopes being fulfilled.  Given the combined rates of divorce and unfaithful relationships, I think that is well documented.

I agree with much of Sola Love's erudite post, and in the grand scheme of things, marraige is not "necessary" for happiness and fulfillment between two enlightened souls.  I just look at marraige being an offering, a symbolic gesture to that person who you wish to work harder for than any other.  To me, this gesture is a gesture of hope and love, and is something that can mean more than anything to the right person.  Too often, however, it is not offered by or to the right person.

As with most of life, YMMV.

-- Modified on 6/6/2005 4:00:25 PM

Every natural instinct in my body tells me to go out and lay my pipe to any woman willing to let me. For the sake of survival of the species, nature has given us the instinct to want to reproduce. Given that reproducing (sex) is generally a pleasuable experience for most of us, we of course want to indulge ourselves often. And being intelligent beings (case by case) we've invented ways to perform the act without the responsibities of reproducing.
Monogomy on the other hand, is NOT a natural instinct. There is nothing inside of us that tells us we should be commited to anything let alone any person, other than social stigma, standards, and so called "moral values" taught to us by our parents and/or society as a whole.
Perhaps if people are truly commited to the ideology of a monogomous relationship, they should take more care in finding someone who they are truly sexually compatible with. Yes she can cook, she cleans, she's smart, funny, and drop dead gorgeous, but can she fuck? Does her libido even come close to matching yours? If not, have the forsight to realize that boredom is emminent. For those husbands and wives that are incapable of performiing do to reasons beyond their control, well... there is no easy answer for that. Truly sorry for you.

Our most basic mandate for Mom Nature is to procreate and continue the specieis. To have the best chance of survival, a child needed two parents. The mother had to care for an infant/small child. The father had to provide food, protection, etc. He might visit other caves or even bring other women back his cave, but the social group wanted him to be responsible for the child(ren) he was presumed to have created. That soon involved property. Late in the game (the last few centuries), we finally developed the whole romance thing, which, along with property issues, now raises the matter of same-sex unions being recognized. Seach Google (see link) for a zillion other takes on what the "real" issue is.

I'm a believer that peoples needs change throughout life and that the person who is the perfect companion changes as well.  No two people grow in the same direction throughout life (unless they are true soulmates).  At 42, I am still single, with no children and I enjoy the freedom I have to move from one relationship to the next as it happens.  The guys I've dated have been wonderful and enlightening.  I can't imagine settling down with just one person.  There's way too much of life to experience.

The only reason I can see to get married is if you truly want to raise children, which should be a conscious choice, not something that just happens by mistake or done because society expects you to.  But then that's a whole new topic.