Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
"No, just to get my nails clipped!"
Two guys are talking in the locker room of the gym. One says that his wife has lost all interest in sex and he doesn't know what to do. The other one tells him that his wife, too, had lost interest in sex but he found if they tried different positions she was more into it. He especially said that his wife liked to do it doggy style. The first guys says that his wife is really conservative in bed and that she'd never do that. The second guy says that his wife, too, wasn't in to it but that if he got her to drink a martini it loosened her up a lot.
A few weeks late the same two guys are talking and the second guys asks the first guy if he tried doggy style with his wife.
"Yeah" he says "but I had to give her three martinis before she'd go out on the front lawn and two more before she'd bark!"