It was also said by Einstein that "Marraige is the unsuccessful attempt to make something lasting out of an incident".  Unfortunately most marriages are based on that very concept.  These days they are most often NOT gone into logically and the dissapointment of the "incident" not going on, and on, and on turns to resentment and feelings of failure.  

That brings me to believe that this is the very reason this arena is so big and so powerful.  It is just an "incident".  No one to dissapoint the next day.  Could this be true?

When I was very young I objected to porn and, I guess, felt threatened by it.  I came from the camp of, "Why aren't I enough for you?"  Mind you, that was at a time when there was less of it so ostentatiously about - less "in your face" if you like, and there was this general attitude of porn being smutty and thoroughly exploitative of women.

I can clearly remember the turning point.  I was at a party where they put on a tape.  I sat amongst a group of people who watched it, making wisecracks.  It was actually a very funny experience which I remember fondly, and this took the fear out of it, I suppose.

Now I come to the computer and often find that my teenage son and his friends have been ogling "Teenage high school lesbians" or whatever.  I shrug and think that he'd be abnormal if he wasn't looking at that sort of thing at his age.  

I think that women generally ought to relax a bit more - so maybe it might be helpful to share the experience rather than allow the impression that it is furtive and disreputable.  And by sharing it and joking about it, you can hopefully take one form of heat out of the problem and put another into the solution.

~A~

Thanks so much for your input Aphra!  Beautiful!  

OK, some people might say I am a bad mother, but my daughter was complaining about her boyfriend having porn around his house.  So she destroys it.  I have always been very open about my views and life style with my girl.  When she was old enough to start asking questions, I figured if she was old enough to ask, she was old enough to get the real answers.  I also gave her my copy of "Everything you ever wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask".  This generated even more questions and conversations, which I always felt was very healthy.  So I never edited regarding sexual questions at all.  I remember feeling very good about hearing her correct her friends when she was in Junior High about something.  She was very articulate and confident on the subject of sex.  As a result, she is now 25, very orgasmic (so she claims as I advised her to masturbate when she brought up that subject).  I never touched myself till I was 25!  It took me years to learn to orgasm because of the religious residue that clung to me for so long.  

Anyway, back to the subject of porn.  I asked her why it bothered her and she replied that she thought that "if he loved her, if he thought she was beautiful, he wouldn't need porn".  So, I asked her if she ever let him really look at her puss?  She said very loudly NO WAY!  I said why not?  Oh, that is so nasty!  I said, well why do you think that?  "They are ugly" she said!  So I asked her why she thought the porn industry was so successful?  One of the biggest profit margin industries in the world.  She couldn't answer. I speculated that perhaps more women should let thier men really see them naked.  It's like having a cookie jar in front of a child but the child is not allowed to touch it or taste it.  If the child denied this, they just want it more than if it easily obtainable.  I have asked numerous clients if thier SO's let them look at thier pussies, and they all say they NEVER let them.  Well, I advised my daughter to lighten up and let her man see her in all of her glory, eyes, arms, legs wide open.  I know that since I have learned to be "open" this way, guys seem to delight in really examining and looking at it.  It is kind of funny to me, but they do look like children gazing at something very shiney and interesting.  I often wonder if women were more free this way, would porn be as popular?  Perhaps it would, but I'll bet the price of it would be much lower, just like the price of this industry is lower in countries where it is legal.  The need for variety will always be there for men I believe, but isn't it the mystery that takes them elsewhere more than anything.  I can't imagine that the two dementional images can be more interesting than in the flesh.  Of course the perfect models, airbrushing and glitz is all there, "pussies, are like snowflakes, each one is different".  A man said that to me once with the most elated look on his face and sound in his voice. I think it was at that moment I stopped being angry about them wanting to see more, of course I had not let anybody really look at mine yet.  But it seems that magazines seem to try to make them all the same in some ways.  

-- Modified on 1/9/2005 2:56:53 PM

-- Modified on 1/9/2005 2:58:18 PM

Not much... though TO him I say "put something on!"
xoxo,
Sola

Re:Got a little different reaction to my porn collection (see below) but

I couldn't agree with you more. I have read about and seen women who get very upset that their men have dirty magazines or porn. PLEASE! Watching porn taught me how to give better head. I reenact many scenes from movies in my personal life. Porn taught me how to deep throat, swallow, eat pussy and how to engage in double penetration comfortly. I grew up very sheltered and the thought of even putting my mouth anywhere below a man's belt used to repulse me. Thanks so porn that's all changed. *lol* I love looking through magazines (Black Tail mostly) because I often change my looks and the girls posing are my models and inspiration. I was rolling my eyes reading Dear Abby because some woman was complaining about how her boyfriend has dirty books and she doesn't like it because she feels inadequate, blah blah good grief. My ex-husband had an impressive porn collection that he thought he had hidden from me until one day he came home and found one of his tapes in the VCR.I had forgotten to take it out before he came home so he caught me. *lol* He thought I would be upset about him having porn in the house but first off it was his house. I have no say over what he brings in his house. I was his girlfriend. It wasn't like we were married at that time.  I would give him money and ask him to buy porn but he always bought the cheap kinds where the scenes were short or cut off and penetration shots weren't that good because the lighting or the people were ugly. I started buying the porn and now I have more tapes then he does. I have a membership to a video shop and I always preview before I buy them so that I know I will have a tape that will bring me much satisfaction when I need it. IMO porn is a very good thing and thank goodness for it.

Re:Got a little different reaction to my porn collection (see below) but

I enjoy sharing porn with my so but when he has 33 mags under couch in living room and a couple ends are sticking out when my kids come to visit it almost turned into a very embarressing situation but I was quick. The least he could have done was to give them a home with his 162 under the bed in bedroom

well, Porn is more popular than all sports combined, so, obviously, men don't care what women think or say. I'd say women don't like Porn because it is so cheap & perhaps most of these guys that watch Porn would rather masturbate than have sex with women, thier woman or whatever women. That's thier business. People can't even masturbate in peace. Ladies, millions & millions of guys prefer to masturbate. Just accept it. Good Night!

If the cost of love (or sex, not judging) is more than living in peace and harmoney with another, then the cost is too high. If she cannot allow you to be who you are and have private thoughts without calling the "thought police" to examine your every motive then I am sure you did the right thing. I had a male roommate once who hated that I was laying regular wood on one our neighbors. What he didn't realize was she was USING me. He got put out.

Too many ultimatums pushed me over the edge too. I was paying for sex anyway, I just wasn't handing her the money. I don't pay for sex anymore. I put that money toward female companionship instead. Much better value.

WOW! That sure didn't take very long. Did you say you met her while she was being a provider or that she just was one at one time? Hopefully you didn't give her a reason to suspect the first two catagories, the third, hell, join the club, probably the biggest there is. Sorry to hear it didn't work out though. Really suck's when you find someone you enjoy and want to be with and it just doesn't work.

Like my view or not, when a person is in a relationship, that person cannot do anything that they desire. To an extent, she is right that your activities are excessive, in my view. If you want to hang nude pictures, check out nudes on the web or exchange erotic emails, then you should be patient and find a woman who does not mind such activities, or you should swear off an SO and go solo.  

I am single and unattached. I chose this route many years ago after thinking deeply about whether I could have a wife or girlfriend and avoid oggling other women or stay out of their shorts. My realization was that I could not and that I could not look a woman in the eyes and say that she was the only one when she was not. I pay a price for that decision, a price that I am willing to pay. But in paying that price, I remain true to myself and every woman that develops a romatic interest in me.

Far be it from me to say that you should dump her, but the thought was in my head.  I had that same ex-wife, and my current SO sent me off to AVN with a "have fun".  They are out there...don't give up.

...which ended with the hobby (thankfully) was the one where I discovered that I could not even mention to her that any other woman was attractive, or even interesting.  There were a lot of traumas and shocks to follow with that relationship, but it was all downhill from there.  If I had only got out at that moment.

At least your (former?) SO is more straightforward about it, CM.  The one I was dating was extremely passive aggressive, and very devious about it.  Yours only called a child-molester.  My XSO would make you feel like one before she was done.      

And this is an ex-provder?  Hard to believe.  I'll just say.  You're doing the right thing.  Get out, or get her out!

/Zin