the movie "When Harry Met Sally". Billy Crystal's character says "women and men can't be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way". I always agreed with that premise and could NEVER hang out with a HOT girl and NOT want to fuck her lights out. I think you FUMBLED the football my friend!!!! Sorry you're not getting more sympathy on this post, but look at it from our point of view. You admittedly LIKE this girl and you say she is hot. Now she's had a few drinks, she BLOWS you and you RUN with your tail between your legs. Translation-- FREE hot wet pussy that you're comfortable with and you WIMP OUT! HARD to feel SORRY!!
I have this platonic relationship with a girl for a couple of years, we were best friends, long talks, support, parties,etc. no sex or anything like that. She made it clear a couple of times that we are only friends and I am ok with it (although she is hot). I also have a long time SO and she has been cautiously ok with it. My platonic friend and I had a little too much to drink a few days ago and we crossed the line and started passionately fooling around, had oral, but no intercourse. Before we got to that I had a moment of clarity and stopped. She did not like that and wanted me to stay (She was drunk) I got dressed anyway and had to go. I know this was not supposed to have happened and I have tried talking to her to tell her so and so far she has not returned my calls. Now she left me a message saying that we can not be friends any longer and stop calling her In a very compassionate way (like she is sorry) What is going on? What do I do to reestablish this friendship which I value more than the a few moments of lust.
This is why plutonic "friendships" with someone you're attracted to is nearly impossible. Are you sure you were each being honest all along about it only being friendship?
Looks like no.
Put it this way: your SO knew better.
The only sucessful friendships I have experienced with women have been where I felt no attraction. Even then, they were attracted to me, which makes it uncomfortable.
It wouldn't have made it any worse and mabey if you did her nice she would still be your friend. Nothing pisses off a lady more than walking out when she wants you.Mabey she took it as an insult...... Okay everybody Go ahead I'm wearing my flame proof Jock strap......
I always thought the sex part gets in the way between a man and a woman. It's very hard for a man to be a friend with a woman he finds attractive, or vice versa. That's just my opinion. With your situation, you should have done her. Rejection to a woman in the heat of the moment is the worst that a woman can feel regardless whether she's sober or not.
You remind me of the couple out bicycling who found themselves caught in a terrible thunderstorm. They stayed overnight at a farmer's house. He put a 2X4 in between them in the one bed available to keep them apart. When next day her hat blew over the fence and he offered to get it, she told him "Never mind. If you can't crawl over a 2X4, I couldn't expect you could make it over a fence.
Should've gone for it, bro. Made yourself look weak.
drunk--our good friend says she was. If she wasn't, agree that you have to pull the trigger. If she was, you could be in a whole lot worse trouble than her just not wanting to see you.
You say she is hot, which means you wanted to do her. Your SO know this or she at least believes it.
You made her, the platonisc one, jealous. You said you crossed the line but you didn't cross the finish line. You can cross her off your list of future sessions.
You cannot get her back now as a friend.
Do NOT tell your SO about any of it.
If you would've had sex with her, she would've broken off the friendship afterwards because you crossed the implied "platonic" line, even though she had agreed to the sex. You didn't have sex with her, and she's breaking off the relationship because you didn't give her what she wanted in the heat of the moment. You're getting the brushoff because you were trying to be respectful of the relationship you had, and you would've gotten the brushoff for being a pig & not respecting the platonic relationship you had with her if you would've had sex.
I had a somewhat similar experience with a girl in college, although we never got physically involved. She supposedly only wanted a platonic relationship, but behaved like she wanted more. There were a couple of instances where something was close to happening, but because of the mixed signals she had been giving me, I couldn't act on it. Although she never admitted it to me, she was upset that I didn't and held it against me. In fact, she twisted it & bitched me out for pursuing her, even though she was the one who was giving off the suggestive signals & behaviors. I know from personal experience the mind games that women like to play with men, and it's safe to say you're going to have a very difficult time saving the relationship, if you can save it at all. I wasn't able to save mine, and the more I tried, the worse it got. If there's any possibility to save your relationship, the best thing I can think of is to just stay away for awhile. It was an approach I wish I would've taken in my situation. Perhaps some time & distance apart might be what's needed for both of you to hopefully clear your heads of what happened & be willing to start over with a clean slate.
Let us know what you decide to do, and what does eventually transpire. Good luck to you.
the movie "When Harry Met Sally". Billy Crystal's character says "women and men can't be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way". I always agreed with that premise and could NEVER hang out with a HOT girl and NOT want to fuck her lights out. I think you FUMBLED the football my friend!!!! Sorry you're not getting more sympathy on this post, but look at it from our point of view. You admittedly LIKE this girl and you say she is hot. Now she's had a few drinks, she BLOWS you and you RUN with your tail between your legs. Translation-- FREE hot wet pussy that you're comfortable with and you WIMP OUT! HARD to feel SORRY!!
The honus is on this woman. If she values the friendship, she will come to her senses. If she is willing to throw it away because of one night that was full of contradiction and confusion, and not try to communicate anything more than she shared, then she obviously doesn't value the friendship much and, IMO, is not really much of a friend. Also IMO, given the fact that there was a friendship in place already, her lack of communication surrounding this episode shows that she is someone who is not really very good at being honest with herself.
Years of true friendship should not be able to be blown
away on the wind.Especially when you did what you thought was
the right thing.Its Xmas, send a card with note.If she did explain what her decision was based on than ask her.Explain
how much the friendship meant,and you would like to get back to
it,unless she realized her feelings were deeper than she admitted,and rethink your own feelings.
Best of luck and Happy Holidays
77 my friend...I feel your pain. I am here to tell you that all is not lost. I have been in a couple of similar situations (with different outcomes in each...yes there have been more than 1), and with each one the "platonic" friendship did return, but it was different in all but 1. Your friend is hurt. She used the alcohol to allow her to feel what she had been hiding. It possibly could have been easier for her to return to the friendship if you had completely sealed the deal. In denying her you put too much of a strain on her heart and mind. She will look at you with some disdain, remorse and yearning in the very near future. Right now only time may heal things. DO NOT push her. If she told you in a very compassionate way that you cannot be friends anymore then respect her wishes for right now. My advise would be to complete things for you by letting her know how much you value her as a friend and wish things would have been different(if you had a really good relationship throw in a little funny reference to the incident and let her know you wish you had since you had found her hot as HELL), but you respect her and will adhere to her wish.
I hope things turn out well for you. The affairs of the body, mind and heart are tough. My thought is that she will return as your friend in some form, but not as it was before.
"Had oral" Okay was it mutual? was it just you licking her? or JUST a BJ? If it was just her giving you a BJ and you left her hanging you are in soo much trouble. Not only with her but all those here.
Conjugal Coddger is right on both his posts here on this topic. Once you crossed the line by having oral (regardless of who was doing who) the WORST thing you could have done is to have it end badly i.e. a sudden breakoff of the activity.
It wasn't mutual, it was only me DATY. When I was ready to "do it" I looked in her eyes and realized it was the wrong thing to do. I have thoght about it to. I should have done her, would have lost her anyway. But I thing I did the right thing and may be with time will be able to reestablish.
"I should have done her, would have lost her anyway."
No this would have been a bigger mistake for so many reasons.
First and foremost, in many states both parties have to consent to having sex. That means saying "YES". It doesn't mean that one party has to say "stop" for it to be rape anymore. Also consent means that the parties involved have to be fully capable of saying "Yes". Any form of drugs impairs ones ability to consent. So guess what if you had sex with her and the next morning she decided she didn't give you consent because she was drunk, you could be in jail for rape.
Secondly and almost as importantly, isn't your dignity more important than where you 'get off'? Good grief, the woman was drunk. You did the right thing. You did the honorable thing. And that is good.
You know damn well that you were playing with fire all these years. In this type of platonic relationship, one side or the other always wants more.
Once you got to the oral part, you were having sex--ask Bill C. If she would have been the one to get up and leave she would be thought of as a "(fill in the blank-teasing bitch".
A question you should ask yourself is would you have been a platonic friend if she was not "hot"? If not, why were you friends with her since you have an S/O? Perhaps this was fantasy fodder without the guilt?
She wanted you and you shot her down, now she feels rejected. It doesn't matter that your intentions may have been honorable (ie..you respected her friendship, blah blah), she's probably feeling bad about herself now.
Nice guys finish last.
If it isn't already common knowledge, women have ZERO respect for nice guys. Women find nice guys to be spineless, pathetic losers that they can manipulate & walk all over to their heart's content, not to mention being totally intolerant & unsympathetic to what we think or feel. Their words & actions are complete polar opposites, & no matter what you say or do, you can't please them. They see guys like myself as a toilet; shit on 'em & kick 'em to the curb to be hauled off to the dump. Any woman who says she wants a nice guy is lying through her teeth. In fact, I had a confrontation with a woman on this very subject a few days ago. She of course said women do like nice guys, and I attempted to give her my personal proof to the contrary; and in the end, in typical fashion from her (the female) perspective, she let me know that she was "right", and that I (the male) was "wrong".
It's no wonder I personally gave up with women 8 1/2 years ago.
"It's no wonder I personally gave up with women 8 1/2 years ago.
"
You mean those last 11 reviews of yours aren't of women ????
LOL...
I sure hope they were women. Otherwise, I've just opened up a whole bunch of personal new issues that I'm not ready to deal with! (LOL)
Just to be safe, I'll clarify that comment. I gave up my attempts to date, find love/romance/a girlfriend 8 1/2 years ago. I decided the emotional & psychological abuse women inflicted on me as a result of my attempts to do these things since being old enough to date wasn't worth the effort anymore. And if it weren't for escorts, I would now be going on 16 years without getting laid. And if it wasn't for one fluke encounter with a nymphomaniac about 16 years ago, I'm likely a 40 year old virgin today.
So many issues, so little time...
-- Modified on 12/9/2004 2:08:49 AM
PULL THE PLUG, TOFU!!!
This was bound to end badly. If you patch it up to be "platonic" again, it's only going to have another ending that's worse.
It's one thing to work professionally with an attractive woman, that can be platonic. Nevertheless, to be social with a woman who's attractive to you, and not have it go to sex is just torture.
Furthermore, how did it feel turning down sex? Painful, wasn't it? I know. I've done it with a woman I was very attracted to. I'd rather dance barefoot on a floor full of scorpions than do that again. It was mindbending.
So, then you had to reject her. How do you think that felt to her, now? So now, both of you hate you at this point. There was no good way out of this once you're committed to a "platonic relationship." Get back into this, and you're going to have to reject sex with her repeatedly to keep her word honest. Then, sooner or later, you'll have to watch jealously while she finds her true love, and then where will you be with her? No good ending either way. Platonic? Why don't you just cut your head off with a chainsaw? At least that's quick.
If you're both orbiting each other like that, but she's insisting that you stay "platonic," she fundamentally misunderstands the the forces she's dealing with, like most civvy women do. This is a bad idea, and you're under no obligation to humor her about it. You need to say goodbye to her, especially when you already have an SO.
/Zin
Yeah. How about that, where are the ladies? Thanks to all the guys, but I would like to know the women's perspective on this.
Okay, you asked for a woman's reply so here's mine (although it might take a while to come through).
Given the circumstances you describe, I suspect that your friend does or at least did want to sleep with you. She might have been able to blame the drink afterwards, but the deed would have been done, and she could have found out what she was missing. You rejected her and she is feeling like sh*t. Well, you sucked on her cnut, leaped away like she was on fire, then got dressed and buggered off. How do you think she feels?
I think that you crossed the Rubicon and can't go back to being a friend. If I were her I couldn't go back to being your friend; the idea is laughable. But I'm not her, and maybe she can work her way around it. At the very least she needs space to come to terms with what happened, so stop bothering her. As a last ditched stand you could write to her and tell her how you feel and leave the door open for her to contact you. But keep the note short and succinct; don't witter on about things for pages because she'll just get bored and throw it in the trash. Oh, and btw, she doesn't want to hear about how much you love your SO, or life's complications. Tell her what you think about HER.
Does that help?
~A~
Now that is an answer with smoe perspective. Thanks.
Ok, I saw it written many time, and I'm new to this whole game. What does SO mean?
If she is as hot as you say, you're probably the only guy who ever turned her down in her life. That's a big slap in the face to her ego. Believe it or not, even beautiful women sometimes have feelings of insecurity.
At the time, if you could have said she was sexy and you really wanted to sleep with her but didn't want to hurt your SO, she may have accepted that. You could have had a graceful exit and salvaged the friendship. Of course everything is easier in hindsight, isn't it?
Give her some time and don't chase her. Perhaps in time, her hurt feelings will subside and you may be able to be friends again.
Good luck.