Dr. Freud would say you were looking to get caught.
When my wife and i went to marriage counselling and i brought up the subject of no sex the therapist asked what i did to make up for it. I said i jerked off to porn and got an occasional lap dance. My wife said i should see escorts. I thought about it a while and here i am although i will never tell her. As expensive as it is, i think a divorce with a propery settlement/alimony, plus cost of new wife, girlfriend or escort would wipe me out.
I'm 67, married, my wife is my best friend, but sex has vanished. In no way do I want to leave her, but I'm dying. So, I saw an escort: it was delicious. We talked about my situation, had wonderful sex, and actually felt more in love with my wife. I'd like to talk with others in a similar situation for any advise.
-- Modified on 8/23/2012 7:27:58 PM
-- Modified on 8/23/2012 7:29:28 PM
I have found that a lot of times its easier to open up to a total stranger than someone you have shared almost all of your life experiences with. They have no preconceved notions and just take what information you give to them to form their opinions and responses.
Good luck in the future. Remember. This is something you must NEVER share with your wife.
I didn't understand your response. PM?
A PM is a private message. The "mail" system available to VIP members here on TER. It's a way to communicate privately with other TER members like e-mail. If you have a VIP membership (you either pay for it or earn free days of VIP by writing reviews) you have access to the PM system here. Click the mail tab at the top of the page to access it if you have a VIP membership.
Let me suggest to you to read the Self-Help Center for info about TER and how the site works. The Self-Help Center is located to the upper right of most message boards directly under the red and white life preserver. Click the link that says Self-Help Center. Then check out all the links to answer questions.
As for your initial post, I have no experience with your situation. I'm single. I have read posts of many members though that have similar experiences to yours and hopefully they will comment.
to receive and read them>
sounds like you are confused in more than one way..
I started hobbying because there were sexual things I wanted to experience before my medical condition claims my sexual abilities completely. I realized they were never going to happen at home as the frequency and activities continued to dwindle. I only hobby occasionally, when she's at her sister's for a few days for instance.
Some time ago we went to a "sexuality with disability" seminar... it was a dinner at a resturant... with very red faced waite staff! The advise was to "Not Stop", to use different times of the day when energy levels are higher and to expand the definition of sex to anything sexual... kissing, cuddling, stroking... anything we get sexual pleasure from, not just intercourse.
Since then... sex has been extreemly infrequent, no kissing or cuddling, nothing to get sexual pleasure from, and almost no intercourse... and only late at night when we're both exhaused.
I try to talk to her about it, I point out a program coming on about sex & intimicy on Oprah or Dr Oz... after the shows over, I try to prompt a conversation about it. What show? Head in her magazine or the computer. If we discuss sex, nothing changes. I'd stop in a heartbeat IF I was getting regular sex at home. But it's not happening. Never going to happen. Perhaps she's hoping that I'll lose the ability or give up. I know being avoided... that was the whole story of my forst marriage.
So I went outside. I really enjoy my play time. My abilities are greater with active encouragement from my partners.
I have continued to try to be both loving & sexual with my wife... she doesn't like being touched at all. On the rare occasions when she agrees to sex (by appointment only) she seems to have a good time & usually has an O. If not it's because she rushes to get it over with. I have to continued to try to touch at least in bed a few times a week... just a hand, a knee a foot... We have gone months with no contact in the bed. Might as well be a board down the middle. (BTW, memory foam is hard to move on.) I'm not expecting sex to happen but this 'touching' contact is sexual communication... a form of cuddling. As I saw on Dr Oz... Men communicate physically by touching. I thought it was so profound.
I really wish women in general understood what providers seem to understand... men need sex but also intimacy. This is why men request the GFE... the intimacy they are being denied.
HV
for your honest and thoughtful post. I think it is so sad that so many couples are mis-matched sexually and that society doesn't allow for an outlet in the form of p4p. Thank goodness we still do it anyway. 
Thanks for sharing Harbor. Many of us older guys sorely miss the intimacy and passion at home. Gawd do I miss it. Just to cuddle and kiss and talk is many times sufficient to keep us going. And I'm thankful for the opportunity and the finances to pursue the hobby. The women I've met, even with my dwindling capabilities, are very caring and loving creatures. God bless them! Back to the original post...the short time I 've been hobbying has shifted the way I interact with my spouse: I'm more patient, compassionate, and understanding when my touches and kisses and rubbing don't lead to the bed. I'm less angry and less quick to judge and bark at her. That's a good thing. But as another poster states....my spouse must never find out about my hobbying. Hobby on my gray haired brothers!
I am 62 years old. I have been a member of TER for several years and have never posted anything. I like my anonymity. But this post just got to me because it is so close to where I am in life. I have been married for 41 years. At one time my wife and I had a great sexual relationship. We still have a good relationship in many other ways. We've built a great family with 2 children and 3 grandchildren. We travel. We do lots of things together. But the last sex, which was very unsatisfying was 3 years ago and it was such a struggle to get her to agree that I just gave up on it. We have money (how else could I afford the hobby). So we went into couples therapy. I did research. I found doctors that could address her issues. I found shrinks to address my issues. Not only does she refuse to be touched (like with the board down the middle of the bed) but she refused to consider any kind of treatment. Refused to read articles. Refused to watch those episodes on Oprah. I was and remain angry about it. I have thought of leaving many times but I ask myself where I am going at my age. I really love (in a different way) most of the ladys I've met in the hobby but let's face it, I'm not starting any new real relationships here. And if I leave I may lose out the weekly visits and holidays with my family, all of which wouldn't be here if not for my 41 years of marriage. So I am lucky. I can afford the hobby and will take advantage of it for as long as I am physically able. I get physical gratification and I get alot of emotional gratification that there are women who will spend time with me. 10 years ago I never could have imagined being here but it is a good and helpful place to be. And I read posts by others on this and so many other subjects and think what a great bunch of people, I wish this didn't have to be so secretive.
Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. Thanks for listening everyone.
Thanks for sharing Arcadia. We seem to reach a clear idea of what balance is when we begin to lose the strong libido we had in our younger years. We're thinking more with our heads than our dicks. Speaking only for myself here. It would take an exceptional spouse or SO to truly understand what it's like to be us as our libidos continue to diminish. If they truly understood how meaningful the 'little things' are to us they could change the whole trajectory of our relationship. I personally find it very gratifying to be able to gratify someone else. My wife's idea of pleasuring me is a ham fisted hand job. Doesn't enjoy cuddling or necking. Doesn't like a light touch massage on any part of her body. And the only subject she is at a loss of words for is sex. She enjoys receiving oral on occasion but won't give any. And I need more than that. I'm working with a delightgul tantric Goddess who is acutely tuned into the sensual and erotic arts and can, with a small amount of effort, ignite the fires of passion within me every time we meet. If we had spouses that understood and could act on that we wouldn't be hobbying and posting on these boards. I feel it's way too late for them to learn and enjoy new ways of gratifying their men. Menopause can be a killer. I'm too young to give up on the tenderness and passion our delightful providers so willingly give us. I'll get and take it where I can find it! I'm thankful I can afford it. Pity the boys who can't. And envy the boys who have it at home! i'm too old and engaged on so many other different levels to walk away from my 35+ years marriage. Where the hell did the time go! I hope St. Peter understands when I get to the gates....fuck him if he doesn't.
-- Modified on 8/25/2012 9:24:08 PM
-- Modified on 8/25/2012 9:40:30 PM
You note that menopause can be a killer and it is another reason why i dont pick up and leave. I think it is a medical condition. I wouldnt leave my wife if she had cancer or diabetes. In sickness or in health. The troubling thing is there are therapies. They dont work for all but
they work for some. She wont consider even talking to the doc about them. That hurts alot. I cant understand why someone would not even want to try to improve the situation.
Thanks for listening.
I'm convinced that women past a certain age... their hormones are gone... if they ever had any (some doubt in my wife... during the 5 years she was widowed, she had NO desire for sex. I failed to recognize the significance of her little hints back then... but they are ringing in my ears!) But IF women wanted to prevent their husbands from finding intimacy elsewhere, they would make a good attemt to keep him satified (drained) at home.
Even young women use sex... to get a husband. Then shut it off until they want their babies, then shut it off again. It is a tool for women. But women fail to appreciate men's biologic needs, for intimacy... cuddling, touching, affection & yes, sex.
I am friendly with a few mature providers... who are very attuned to what men need. How ironic that Providers, scorned by civie women... indeed know their men better.
HV
Their hormones are gone. But they can be supplemented successfully for some. Why dont they want to try?
This has been a great discussion. I'm also in a situation common to much of the discussion here. Very little intimacy and absolutely no interest in sex. When it occurs, it's because she is feeling an "obligation"; and then wants it over quickly. So, no question "hobbying' does provide me with an outlet and an opportunity to enjoy not only the sexual release but the entire aspect of it all: the anticipation, the buildup and the intimate sharing that can go on. Thank goodness for all the wonderful providers (most of whom are mature) who understand this and have provided me with some wonderful experiences.
This is the most interesting and relevant thread I ever read here. I went through the same situation. In my case my wife discovered when I carelessly left the computer on a site. When confronted, I chose to leave. I never regretted it. After the shock died down, I realized I didn't want to go back to where I was. I have found many wonderful and sexy women in the civilian world. When things are slow, there are always providers.
Dr. Freud would say you were looking to get caught.
When my wife and i went to marriage counselling and i brought up the subject of no sex the therapist asked what i did to make up for it. I said i jerked off to porn and got an occasional lap dance. My wife said i should see escorts. I thought about it a while and here i am although i will never tell her. As expensive as it is, i think a divorce with a propery settlement/alimony, plus cost of new wife, girlfriend or escort would wipe me out.
recommended escorts! Was she being sarcastic or serious? Because if she was being serious, kudos to her. She recognized that you have needs and she allowed for the fact that as she can't (or isn't interested in) satisfy(ing) them, and suggested other avenues you could pursue. I think if I ever got bored with sex with an SO I would recommend the same thing. But luckily, I like sex too much to not try every possible permutation of it with him (and others) before "outsourcing".
When my wife and i went to marriage counselling and i brought up the subject of no sex the therapist asked what i did to make up for it. I said i jerked off to porn and got an occasional lap dance. My wife said i should see escorts. I thought about it a while and here i am although i will never tell her. As expensive as it is, i think a divorce with a propery settlement/alimony, plus cost of new wife, girlfriend or escort would wipe me out.
She was being serious but i think out of guilt. I would never let her know that i took her up on it. Too hurtful.
I too found this thread insightful in many ways. Thank you for all who shared.
Our stories are similar but each with it's unique and personal elements. In our case, it was severe illness 15 years ago that robbed my wife of her sexual drive. Our love remains undiminished and we are blessed with children and grandchildren.
It was only three years ago that I finally decided to seek to replace the missing piece in the p4p world and I have met some wonderful women who are not only incredible lovers but intelligent, understanding and compassionate women. What I have learned about myself and my capacity for sexuality is also enabling to slowly bring intimacy into my life at home. So I can honestly say, this has added and not in any way detracted from what is otherwise a wonderful marriage.
Thank you for all who shared their stories, both from the male as well as female perspective.