TER General Board

Well it is clear that there are three camps here...
LuvsDaBooty 3394 reads
posted

1) Escorts are have al their sympathies for the girl - which is to be expected. I understand what you ladies are saying, and I am not out to try to embarass or ruin anyone. I wouldn't handle it that way. I just need a means for telling the wife what I aready know...without telling her I know from personal experience. That is as far as it will go. For those of you who suggest that giving the PI this information puts the girl at risk...you are right...but no more than she has already exposed herself to be being in "the hobby" in the first place. Besides, it is very unlikely the PI would do anything with the info...he has a business and a license to protect. PI have tons of dirt on lots of people...if they wen around blackmailing fols they would be out of business...

2) Single guys who worship escorts. You guys clearly have no idea how marriage works...and it is also clear that you are so busy putting escorts on a pedestal that you actually think it is rational that I should trust a 21 year old kid that don't know and who has something to gain to behave a certain way versus betting on myt 40 yo old wife who has lots to lose to act in the manner I expect from her. Your way only increases my risk and exposure, and then counts on me depending on another person to never show up again in my life (she wants to make a new life for herself...great...what if she fails? How will I know she won't show up on my door step 4 years from now when she can't seem to find a job because the job market has gone to shit?). My way puts an end to this now - wife declines to hire her, girlfriend walks away to life another day however she sees fit, wife hies someone else. I knwo you guys meant well, and I am sorry I sammed some of you (others deserved it), but you really aren't thinking rationally. You are just caught up in your own damsil in distress issues here...while I am trying to manage my life. Given a choice between further exposing myself or someone else, the choice is clear. It is my life...I have to look out for my best interest.

3) Married guys (or once married)who know where I am coming from. Thanks for the advice guys. I couldn't have come up with a plan on my own because I was going crazy. Just gettign input and thoughts from others made all the difference in the world. I understand what I need to do now - it isn't "sinister" and no harm will come from it. I just nee to make sure she doesn't get hired, and that we never meet again, and the PI plan works. My wife will say "hmmm...I had heard about girls who do this sort of thing to get through college, but I never thought Id meet one. She certainly is attractive, but I just don't understand why a girl would do that. Doesn't matter...I wish her well, but I can't have her around Junior. I just can't take a chance." Then she'll make the call, toos the girls resume in the trash, and it will be over. No harm, no foul.

Thanks to all of you who actually were trying to help. Even if I didn't take the advice, I appreciated it - honestly. But really guys...paying someone to NOT blackmail you...while at the same time giving them all the information they need in order to do so...it is just irrational. You guys are thinking with your small heads and your soft hearts...

LuvsDaBooty6371 reads

Here is my dilemma...

I have "dated" a gal a couple times, but I am not a regular (I'm more of a "variety is the spice of life" type of guy, but we...umm...I...had a great time). I certainly remember her...maybe she remembers me...maybe not. In the course of our "dates" she tells me she is in school studying something that at the time I didn't pay to much attention to...though I DID remember what school she attended, because it is relatively close to my home.

Ok...wife and I (mostly wife) have been on the hunt for nanny to look after the kid full time since the MRS now wants to go back to work. Wife has been interviewing nannies, with the idea of passing the final candidate on to me for my blessing (but really, it is her call...an important point as you shall see here in a moment).

Last week, I am coming home, see "the gal", and am somewhat curious about why she is walking down my street. I am almost absolutely certain she didn't see me, but I saw her.

I walk through the door, and wife reports that she has found the PERFECT nanny for our kid. Then I remember..."the gal" is studying child psychology! Wife goes on to explain how this young woman she just met has lots of experience caring for small children, how she is a student who is working her way through college (boy, is she ever), that she is studying child psychology, that she loves kids, that she has a ton of references, and then tops it all off by saying "and she's your type...I am sure she will be starring in all your 'fuck the babysitter' dreams" (And she is right..."the gal" IS my type...tall, soft, curvy, blonde).

Now wife wants me to meet her to give my "blessing", but has made it clear that after weeks of interviews, THIS gal is the one she wants, and BTW, reminds me she is going back to work in two weeks so we need to go ahead and hire somebody ASAP.

What do I do??

I'm not sure if "my friend" will remember me, but it is certainly hard to believe she wouldn't once we are sitting in the same room.

I didn't give her any personal info (screening was done with office info only), so she has no reason to suspect at this point she was in my home (I have a very common last name).

She seems like a pretty smart and level headed person...not a druggie or anything...so MAYBE she will just pretend our encounters never happened, which would be the professional way to go. And I realize that if this girl is serious about wanting to work with children for a career, making her life as an escort widely known is not in her best interest.

On the other hand, I have done well in life, so now that she has been to my home and has a better idea of my means, she could get some idea about how much keeping our little secret might cost (school tuition, an apartment and a car, maybe?). She (the escort) is young...and often the youthful are also the foolish, desperate and greedy.

At minimum, I am concerned about "blowing it" during the interview and tipping my wife off to some issues, even if "my friend" has no intention of letting the cat out of the bag.

I am also concerned about my ability to be a credible employer...as every guy who has ever done it knows...once you start sleeping with "the help", "the help" stops actually doing their job...and you are left with very little leverage. Even if she doesn't actually blackmail me...she will always have the upper hand in our employee / employer relationship.

Finally...she is hot as hell...absolutely "my type", and a great lay. Having nailed her once (twice actually), it would be really, really easy to make a habit of it with her here in my own home, seeing her everyday. The temptation would be so great. That is sure to lead to trouble...I mean it is one thing to cover up sleeping with strangers who don't even know you...it is another to cover up an ongoing affair with someone who will be essentially a part of the family.

I need feedback from someone who isn't in the middle of this mess, and who isn't (potentially) thinking with his Johnson...ladies...gents...what do I do???

TruthOrConsequences4630 reads

Does the girl have a web site for her provider life style? With all the concern about child care, I would suggest to the wife that I get a Private Investigator to do a background check on the Job Applicate.  When hiring the PI I might reference the provider's web site or give him a hint about her other life.  If you hire the PI he doesn't need to know you have a wife just that you want to check out a person whom you're thnking about hiring for child care duties.  My .02

benthos3624 reads

Do a criminal background check and drug screen as part of the terms of employment. If she passes and you can control yourself, hire her.

Remeber you said she had great references. This is about what is best for your kid! A great nanny is worth their weight in gold.

Any nefarious ideas you are worried about are illegal and I'm sure she has as much to lose as you do. (like a career in psycology)

Now if you think you cannot control yourself, remember it takes two. She may value the nanny experience more than you think. Besides when she meets you for this final blessing she may decide that she doesnt want the job for the same reasons you mentioned. Who wants their boss hitting on them all the time?

Like you put in your post, get a level head and it will work it self out.

Ci Ci2695 reads

However, if you're uncomfortable with the situation (reasonably so), then find a way to talk to the soon-to-be nanny and explain who you are and to decline the job.

Hugs,
Ciara

LuvsDaBooty2922 reads

...I never (meant to) suggest(ed) that.

What I suggested was that her having seen me as a client would created what you clearly recognize yourself as an "uncomfortable" situation.

She certainly might provider fantastic service to another couple (pun intended) where the relationship was clear and untainted by any other tangents....indeed her references (if I am to believe my wife) suggest that this has been the case already for more than one family...

Ci Ci3296 reads

I was also replying to another post where they spoke of having her background checked -- a bit drastic to me. But the main reason I posted (if you read the post again) was to tell you to tell her who you are and that you feel uncomfortable with her working as your nanny, you silly wabbit.  I wish everyone would read things more clearly on this board. Wink!

Hugs,
Ciara

AnnaLisa225106 reads

You need to let the provider/nanny know that she has interviewed for YOUR family and the whole thing is a frightening coincidence. Firmly tell the girl that although you're sure she is a wonderful nanny, you just wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation. Tell her to simply ignore any calls from your wife then give her a generous 'tip' and say "thank you. I knew you'd understand" before she has the chance to respond. That should take care of it.

Poopdeck Pappy5360 reads

Very good but I would like to add another possibility.

Contact her and ask her to graciously decline the job offer stating she has already found a position or something similar to that.

PerthAussie4205 reads

What a great sense of maturity and wisdom. You can rock my world any day.

Run like a rat for cover.

Nothing good can happen here.  Do you want her seeing clients in your home during the day?  The possibilities of blackmail are immense.  Getting caught by your wife doing her in your home will be a disaster.  If your wife finds out that you did the babysitter before and didn't tell her will result in incandescent rage.  "You let me bring one of your WHORES into my house?"  That has got to be good for at least another $50K in the settlement.

You are risking your home and family on the proposition that both you and the sitter can keep your mouths shut.

What makes you think that you are the girl's only client?  What happens when wifey hears a rumour and finds out she hired a hooker?  And you just happened think the girl was OK?

You do not want to give the girl any chance to sink a hook into you.  I like the PI routine where you tip off the PI.  Very nice.  Wifey thinks you have protected her from a terrible mistake.  The PI is bound to keep his mouth shut.  Sitter never knows why she didn't get the job and doesn't know who you are or where you live.  Plus you can nail the sitter again while fantisizing about doing the sitter.

... the "nanny" is actually the husband's daughter gone back in time....

LuvsDaBooty5370 reads

...that I was her only client. I'm not that stupid.

I honestly don't think she would hav anyone in our home, both because she really doesn't strike me as that sort of person, and because the additonal "traffic" would soon be noticed by others (neighbors, gardener, etc.). That really wasn't a concern. Remember, she has excellent references...I am sure (well..I am confident) that she is an excellent nanny. The M-R-S has been rejecting girls left and right...this woman must be on the ball in order to have made it past the warden...

Other than that, I agree with your feedback and like your thinking. You've tapped all of my concerns and then some. I just see this potentially going very, very badly...a tenious situation held together by only the ability of two people to not give away anything by their words or actions...but only one of those people to bear the consequences (with the other have oppotunity for potential gain).

It is just bad, bad, bad. It is as bad as I thought...I just needed someone else to confirmn what I already knew.

I am liking the PI angle myself now. Only 3 people need ever know...and one of those three would not be learnng anything new. It isn't like I am going to post something on the internet saying she is an escort (she's already done that...). I am just going to share with my wife information I already have...and fib somewhat about the source of that information.

The other strategy of telling her about this "unfortuate coincedence" requires that I trust her to take the action I desire...essentially I give her EXACTLY the information I wish she didn't possess now (and in fact avoided giving her in the past)...access to my personal life...I then I pay her to not use this information....and assume I will not have to pay her again. I submit to an unspoken and unborached blackmail to avoid a larger one going forward. Make that in hopes of avoiding a larger one going forward, because I have no gurantees.

Trust my wife to take a factual peice of information and do what 99% of women would do....keep an escort out of her home and away from her child...or trust an escort with virtually all the details of my personal life, and then ask that they not use this information for gain...now or in the future.

Seems like a simple choice to me, but if someone has a better idea, I am all ears...

GLisHJ4395 reads

Trying to actually blackmail someone would be scary and risky for most people - do you really think she would try to blackmail you?  I still think AnnaLisa and Poopdeck's advice is the best.

Look, this is the last time I will reply to your post.  But your replies so far make me understand better why the chances of guys staying married are no better than what one would get by flipping a coin.
    You are going to "direct" a PI to her information on the web.  How many "normal" guys even view that thype of information?  The PI would have to be an absolute idiot not to put two and two toghether.  You will have to trust the PI on two levels:
1.That he or she is ethical and will not use the information to get "services" from the young lady during the future.  Seeing your tendencies so far, I would bet that your PI would be a "he".  If faced with ongoing blackmail, the young woman would do what any logical person would do and work to find out who sent the PI her way or simply go to the cops or a lawyer - who would crtainly squeeze the information out of the PI.
2.That the PI will not have a problem with your decision.  You can mute this by going to several PIs until you find the one who will play your game, just hope that the others who will not remain silent.

    You are betting a lot that the apparently harsh method that you prefer for dealing with this problem works.  My guess is that it will not.  I have seen too many people try stuff like this before, it always ends badly.

ThePeopleRule3222 reads

....and now you have to figure out how to get out before it explodes....you should be able to survive, but you have no room for error.
  My suggestions:  1)  Do not communicate with the lady again; you mention some of the potential disasters in your post.  Were she 45+ with an ex and kids behind her, she might have the maturity to be trustworthy, but taking a chance with this 20 year old would be like handing her a loaded pistol.  2)  Take Truth's suggestion, a very creative one.  I would not even tell your wife that you think her background should be investigated; just get the gal's name, phone number, address (resume?), whatever information the wife has and hire a licensed private investigator.  Presumably she has a "web presence" and that is how you found her.  Print out some of that information and give it to the PI.  I suggest you avoid telling him the details you related above...just tell him that you were "made aware" of her "side business" and that you do not want your wife to suffer the stress you know she would suffer if she knew the details of the gal's background.  Ask the PI if he is willing to write a report stating generally that she is engaged in an activity that could result in her criminal liability, without giving any specific details (it could be anything, from writing bad checks to having a drug problem).  Your wife wouldn't want someone in your nice house with access to your personal information if there were even the remotest possibility of a problem, would she?  
 And....isn't there a potential problem with a college student...perhaps during finals she won't be available; if she has family elsewhere, will she be gone for the holidays?
 Get out of the vehicle now, before it blows up.  
Signed,  
   A fellow with some experience on the "fringes" of your problem

I think that the "advice" that you are being given here is disgusting, only Anna seemed to have even come close.  The suggestion about the PI is particularly troubling.  You have been sneaking around on your wife, so some are suggesting that you do something that can damage the life of a young woman.  The guess here is that if the young woman has any backbone at all, your attempt to hire a PI to "out" her will explode in your face like dynamite.
   It seems that your wife at least suspects you of having activities with women who look like this young woman.  Why would she make the comment that she did.
   Probaly the best thing to do is suggest to your wife that you do not think that it is a good idea to have a young woman that is exactly "your" type working in your home.  Do not go any futher than that.  If your wife asks whether you are having an affair, simply say no, but having great temptation so close could cause you to waiver.  You would not have admitted to anything and your wife probaly will find some reason to turn the young woman down for the job, even without you getting involved any deeper.  Your wife apparently has a seed of doubt in her mind about whether you can resist the young woman, play on it.
    If the young woman is smart, she would have interviewed with several families beside yours, so if she is turned down fast she can simply hire on with someone else.

LuvsDaBooty3089 reads

Actually, while I can't say for absolute certain if my wife suspects anything, I doubt it. We are pretty open and frank about things like finding other people attractive...to her, it was just a statement of fact, made in a light hearted spirit. She would have said the same (or something similar) had we been together at a mall and she spotted her (in fact, she would probably pointed her out so that I could enjoy the "eye candy"....I do the same thing for her when I spot someone that is "her type").

I don't think anyone was suggesting that I hire a PI to "out" my friend...just that I use the PI to share with my wife knowledge that I already posssess. The PI would be the "reason" I now possess that information, since I certainly couldn't say "I know she is an escort honey becaue I've banged her...twice".

Your suggestion about temption I realize was very well intended...but would only lead to trouble. If I am my wife, I am expecting me to keep it in my shorts no matter WHAT the circumsances, so why would I be concerned about temptation? This immediately suggests that I am probably not safe to have off a lesh in everyday society insofar as the fiedelity of our marriage. While this may in fact be true, it certainly isn't a notion I want to be reinforcing for my wife.

Thanks again for the feedback - I am curious...are you married? Because this just didn't strike me as the sort of advice Id expect from a married guy...

I agree with him about the PI plan being bad.  First, put the film noir plot out of your mind.  A femme fatale isn't trying to ruin your life.  Getting a PI is really heavy handed and insulting, not to mention, expensive.  

Besides, I know that calling a PI for such things is not uncommon, but is it in character for you? It may raise a red flag  to your wife.  Then, to be perfectly consistent, you'd have to consult the PI on any help that you want to hire.  PI's aren't cheap.  This could add up.    

If this provider wants a legit job, and she has tons of references, then she has a lot to lose, too.  For her, this would likely be a nightmare, too.  Most providers are second only to superheros in wanting to protect their secret identities.  Using a PI to "out" her would only demean her, and create bad feelings.

I disagre with Stilltryin's advice. Instead of dealing with your wife, deal with your friend. You must still have access to her phone number/email.  Contact her.  Tell her what's about to happen.  After informing her, I don't think you'd need to build the case about how bad this would be for everyone.  It should be a no-brainer for her to withdraw from the job, then.  

However, there's a slight possibility that this won't faze her in the least.  Then you will have to get the PI involved.  

This is such a great fantasy!  Too bad its real.

/Zin

The PI will in fact "out" the young woman to your wife.  The question that will exist then is what will your wife say to the young woman in rejecting her for employment?  What if she even remotely implies that the young woman is not the "right type" for the job.  If I was the young woman I would ask for clarification, and that clarification can lead to big problems for you.  Look the young woman has been in your house, she knows your full name probaly and probaly knows that your wife was excited about hiring her.  How calm will your wife be in rejecting the young woman for the job having the "background" information that she would have gotten to cause her to make the rejection?  People can find your address from the internet if they have enough information.  What happens if after the rejection the young woman or an internet savvy friend connect your name and your wife's name to the same address?  The PI idea has all the hallmarks of a giagantic shitpile forming for you to step in.
I have seen married friends implode their marriages by taking the "advice" of other married guys.  You are dealing with your life, so go as you will in handling this situation.  Good luck.

LuvsDaBooty2452 reads

I guess you missed the part about "level headed" huh?

The PI will tell my wife what I want him to tell my wife...if I have him tell her anything. I actually prefered someone's suggestion that I have the PI prepare a report, then I deliver the message / information I want shared.

My wife will say to the young woman, "I'm sorry, but we think we will go with someone else, but thank you very much for coming by". My wife is a mature, reasonble woman. What the hell would there be to gain by her sharing any of / all the dirt she learned from the PI? To embarass and humilate the girl? She will be very calm about it; she is a rational, mature person.

She will of course "imply" that the young woman isn't the right person for the job. That is the way the hiring process works. You interview someone, and if you don't think they are a good fit, you tell them as much. In regards to something as personal as a care giver for your child the assessment is absolutely going to be a very personal one. I am certain the young woman has been rejected for positions before for reasons unknown - she knows it might have nothing at all to do with her qualifications. We are talking about someone to care for your child here. (I am thinking in additon to not being married you also don't have children...)

Yes, the young woman has been to my house, and she knows our name. What she DOESN'T KNOW is exactly the thing you "warm and fuzzy" type are suggesting I tell her...that she has seen me as a client. I am certain that I am not the only "John Smith". Besides, what does that have to do with the PI? Are you suggesting that the young woman would seek to hurt myself and my family simply because she didn't get a job? If she is that unhinged..wouldn't that be VERY GOOD REASON to not have hr in my home again?

While I wasn't present for the interview, I do know my wife...she would have treated all the potential nannies the same. If the young woman thinks my wife is "excited" about hiring her, it would be because she mistook kindness for friendship. It is a professional relationship, not a personal one, which is another one of the reason why I need to keep this young woman out of my home...because the relationship between us has already started off as "personal", and it would be difficult at best to change it.

Yes, it is my life, and having had some time to think about it, along with getting some input, I now realize that I need to handle this professionally, and to minimize risk. All you people who are suggesting I tell her (the young woman) what has happened and then hope she does the right thing know nothng about managing risk. The least risky path is to simply not hire the woman, for reasons that are truthful...she's an escort. The only issue is how do I get that peice of information to my wife...and the PI is the perfect venue.

You people keep talking about "outing her". I am not "outing her"...the only person(s) who will ever find out is my wife (who will do nothing with the information) and the PI (who could care less). That is two additonal people added to the list that I am sure numbers in the dozens.

You people are suggesting that I tell her EXACTLY what I don't want her to know...that she has walked right ito the personal life of one of her clients...and then bribe her in order to get her to not blackmail me...in others words DEMONSTRATE to her that I am willing to pay to keep our previous encounters a secret. Give her the information I don't want her to have, then give her the money that I don't want to have to give her, all in hopes that she will take the high road, even though I actuall don't know anything about this woman as a person (other than that she is willing to be an escort). You people think THIS is a better strategy than simply making the problem go away without my young friend ever becoming the wiser. That I put my trust in someone I don't know, versus trusting that someone I know well will react in the most perfectly natural way.

Really...show of hands. How many of you actually are married and have a grasp of how relationships REALLY work?

plato00747002 reads

The fact that a young girl works as escort disqualifies her from giving care to someone's kids?  But it is ok that the father of the kids cheats on his wife and uses the girl's services as an escort?

Yes, it is a difficult situation, but people in glasshouses...
BTW, if the husband had NOT cheated, the family would have gotten an excellent nanny (as evidenced by the references)! Did anybody ever think about that the girl wants to retire from the business and find a "regular" job.

LuvsDaBooty2948 reads

I never said that the fact that she is an escort disqualifies her from working with kids. I said the fact that she's an escort that **I** have seen disqualifies her from working with MY kid.

I am sure the girl wants to retire from the business one day...but it isn't to be my nanny. That wouldn't require a college degree. This is just a way to make money and get experience for her...truthfully not much different than her other means of making money.

Insofar as your judgement about "if I hadn't cheated", well gee, thanks for pointing out the obvious...

You didn't hint, when you asked for advice writing in all fake sincerity, that your were a fucking genius who knew the right answers already and would reward all wrong answers with sarcasm and abuse.

I hope you get blackmailed by the PI, who is a person you don't know and with whom you are trusting your personal dirt, but I realize that PI's (and their staff) would never, ever do such a thing to a client.  What kind of world would that be?  Where "hookers" might (gasp!) be more ethical than gumshoes with corporate lawyers as references.

It's a dumbshit expenditure to hire a PI, give him your personal dirt, and have him pretend to find out something you already know. Only the deception attracts you. I don't buy any of your other bullshit.  

I was wrong about something: you will make your life into a film noir story yet from the resentment people will feel for you. If this is a sample of who you are, your back is a knife magnet. Nobody will feel guilty about sticking you.  

If your wife behaves "naturally," what the hell is wrong with you?  Poor woman. It's you, and not a babysitter, she should be screening.

/Zin



-- Modified on 7/11/2004 8:30:25 PM

Squirtboodles3874 reads

As a provider whom also works in the public school system (the money stinks but I love working with the kids) I rather suspect that from what you have stated, that as she is majoring in Child Psychology and her references there are good she is serious about that as her long term plans in that area and truly do not believe that if she is as intelligent as such indicates she would dare risk such by attempting blackmail. However I also feel she would appreciate a heads up so that she can gracefully bow out. If you are worried about her realizing your means you could always just say you saw her when you were on the way over to see a relative (the truth) and they mentioned having just interviewed her for a potential position. And as you are frequently there as a close relative it may not be in best interests for all involved if she take on this position even though u understand she is highly qualified for such. (in this manner she may even think you are the uncle) And ask her politely if she can understand your requesting that she turn down this particular position using as has been previously suggested the excuse of an other position has been obtained.
as a rule I do not post under an alies but as I stated I value and enjoy my work for the local school system which would not be kind to this part of my life

To cover your ass if the young woman ask how you knew it was her interviewing for the job just say that you were arriving for a visit noticed that she was entering your relative's house and you left but later asked your relative who the attractive visitor was.

so, how would you explain the knowledge of her web-site?
I guess it is ok to use the services of the girl, but not to have her around the house watching the kids?  

Maybe you need to give her a chance to make something out of her life - looks like she is serious about a career in Child Psycholgy.  I wouldn't worry about black-mail; it is illegal and would get her in more trouble (jail) than you (financial).
Just my $.02

LuvsDaBooty3667 reads

I never said she there was anything wrong with her caring for kids...I said it was foolish to have her in MY home attending to MY kid, for the reasons I already laid out. Would you invite an escort you had seen into YOUR home if you were married?

Clearly you guys who aren't married are totally clueless on this. You damn intent on playing "rescue the hooker" that you suspend all common sense...

It isn't a judgement about her...it is GODDAMN COMMON SENSE! I don't want her working in MY home...and telling her that it is MY HOME is exactly that last thing I would want to do...

Maybe not happily married, but for 9 years next week!

Then again, this does not seem to be about "Junior" anyway.  You probably are just trying to save your behind and make sure that your wife does not find out what you do in your spare time.

It's the risk we take when we "stray".  It wasn't fun when the cat dropped over my wallet and the wife found $$$ in Cash and withdrawal slips from ATM.... Why do I really need that much cash, when I mostly pay with Credit card????  I guess I was lucky that she thought that I wanted to hide assets and then get divorced....  As you have all the COMMON SENSE answers, what would you suggest (sorry, but I could not resits that dig)



pleasenopi3622 reads

Bad idea. My ex "found" my website and hired a PI in a bid for custody. . I owned my own domain even. And yet after 8 months  of investigation, interviewing my neighbors, doing a background check, even filing false claims with child protective services -they found NOTHING. All it did was piss me off.

Be a grownup. Contact her SOON and spend a few minutes explaining the situation. Pay her for her time if necessary. Most likely she will feel as uncomfortable as you. Sounds like she's starting a new life, a respectable job, has good references, good work experience. Why investigate her, expose her, embarrass her? SHE'S done nothing wrong.

LuvsDaBooty4725 reads

...but you ladies keep misunderstanding my intent.

I wouldn't expose her or embarass her. Like I said, there would be two additonal people who would find out. The PI...who I am ceertain would not be new to anything like this, who would be reputable and who would be licensed (for those of you who are so silly as to think the PI would then turn around and blackmail her...you think PIs do't have tons of dirt on tons of people?) and my wife, who wouldn't do anything with the information, other than make a hiring decision.

There would be no court case, investigation, interviewing of neighbors, all that crap. Remember, I already KNOW she is an escort...the PI doesn't have to go digging for dirt and reating trouble.

The other point people keep missing is this "starting a new life". She isn't "starting a new life"...this isn't her "life". She is a college student who cares for children...and escorts. Her new life will come later - and I wish her well. But I don't want her chatting it up with my wife everyday in the interim...

pleasenopi3988 reads

It's sad.

She's not going to blackmail you. Maybe if she was some desperate crack whore but this woman sounds like she has a lot on the ball. Why would she want to expose you? How could she anyway? Did she take photos of you in the act? Do you have distinguishing tattoos on your genitals? Please.

Sounds like your guilt is clouding your judgement. What would you do if this were a woman you had a brief weekend fling with? There would be nothing for your PI to expose on her. Would you plant evidence on her? Good LORD, JUST TALK TO HER.

This is the chance you take seeing escorts. That one day they won't be "just a hooker", but that they will come into your world somehow. Maybe the marriage counselor you hired, your child's teacher later down the line, your nanny, the waitress serving your dinner, the nurse caring for you - even your attorney some day! We're everywhere.

One day soon I will be a nurse. I may run into a past client. I will treat him like anyone else. Please treat her like a normal person. If your wife has any brains at all, she will figure out your strange behavior and insistence on hiring a PI only to coincidentally discover this woman is an escort. How did you know? This stuff takes time anyway and most likely your wife has already made a hiring decision or will soon and your insistence on investigating this girl out of the blue (when you never suggested it before) is going to look very strange.

LuvsDaBooty3395 reads

1) Escorts are have al their sympathies for the girl - which is to be expected. I understand what you ladies are saying, and I am not out to try to embarass or ruin anyone. I wouldn't handle it that way. I just need a means for telling the wife what I aready know...without telling her I know from personal experience. That is as far as it will go. For those of you who suggest that giving the PI this information puts the girl at risk...you are right...but no more than she has already exposed herself to be being in "the hobby" in the first place. Besides, it is very unlikely the PI would do anything with the info...he has a business and a license to protect. PI have tons of dirt on lots of people...if they wen around blackmailing fols they would be out of business...

2) Single guys who worship escorts. You guys clearly have no idea how marriage works...and it is also clear that you are so busy putting escorts on a pedestal that you actually think it is rational that I should trust a 21 year old kid that don't know and who has something to gain to behave a certain way versus betting on myt 40 yo old wife who has lots to lose to act in the manner I expect from her. Your way only increases my risk and exposure, and then counts on me depending on another person to never show up again in my life (she wants to make a new life for herself...great...what if she fails? How will I know she won't show up on my door step 4 years from now when she can't seem to find a job because the job market has gone to shit?). My way puts an end to this now - wife declines to hire her, girlfriend walks away to life another day however she sees fit, wife hies someone else. I knwo you guys meant well, and I am sorry I sammed some of you (others deserved it), but you really aren't thinking rationally. You are just caught up in your own damsil in distress issues here...while I am trying to manage my life. Given a choice between further exposing myself or someone else, the choice is clear. It is my life...I have to look out for my best interest.

3) Married guys (or once married)who know where I am coming from. Thanks for the advice guys. I couldn't have come up with a plan on my own because I was going crazy. Just gettign input and thoughts from others made all the difference in the world. I understand what I need to do now - it isn't "sinister" and no harm will come from it. I just nee to make sure she doesn't get hired, and that we never meet again, and the PI plan works. My wife will say "hmmm...I had heard about girls who do this sort of thing to get through college, but I never thought Id meet one. She certainly is attractive, but I just don't understand why a girl would do that. Doesn't matter...I wish her well, but I can't have her around Junior. I just can't take a chance." Then she'll make the call, toos the girls resume in the trash, and it will be over. No harm, no foul.

Thanks to all of you who actually were trying to help. Even if I didn't take the advice, I appreciated it - honestly. But really guys...paying someone to NOT blackmail you...while at the same time giving them all the information they need in order to do so...it is just irrational. You guys are thinking with your small heads and your soft hearts...

Poopdeck Pappy4032 reads

I believe you will get yourself into deep trouble with your plan unless your wife is dense. Women are suspicious without any hints, what you are planning to do is, IMO, a poorly designed plan that will eventually lead to ruin.

KISS

Are you just going to present the PI report to your wife out of the blue or talk her into hiring one to check out the woman? If you haven't talked before about a PI for the finalists, won't it seem a bit strange that you want to hire one now without having even spoken to her? You did say your wife WANTS you to meet her. What's going to be your story on why you refuse to even meet the one your wife wants?

Another thing, are you absolutely certain your wife will reject the woman once she finds out? You did describe your wife as gushing about this woman and saying she's the one she wants. Is she liberal enough to say "I'll give her a chance"?

You do appear to have quite a dilemma, one that has a good chance of playing out to its conclusion on the next episode of "Jerry Springer".  I'm perplexed for a solid recommendation to give you at this point, but a little more information from you might help both myself and all the other respondents.

1)  For a time reference, how long ago was it when you last saw the prospective nanny for her "other" services?

2)  Do you know whether she is still working as an escort right now?  If so, have you looked into whether she may continue to be one if she does become your nanny?  The fact she has been an escort and possibly may still be one will obviously freak your wife if she learns of it; does the escort issue, independent of everything else, bother YOU in determining whether to hire her as a nanny?  From what you've stated, you don't appear to want to hire her because of all the complications involved.  I am just curious about your opinion of her caring for your child knowing she was and still may be an escort.

3)  I assume you work.  Is your job outside the home?

4)  When your wife goes back to work, will you both be working basically the same schedules, or will there be somewhat of a difference?  (For my inquiry, I'll suggest a two hour or more difference; you work until 4, she works until 6, for example.)

5)  Is the nanny job a live-in situation, or is it more or less babysitting until both you & your wife come home from work each working day?

6)  I assume you yourself haven't seen her in person yet regarding becoming your potential nanny.  Have you personally had any correspondence with her yet in regards to the job (talked on the phone, e-mail, etc.)?  Does your wife want you to talk with her in person before you give your wife the approval you know your wife is implying she wants?

7)  What kind of references does she have?  Are they professional (related to being a nanny), personal, or a combination?

There are many possible repercussions no matter what you decide to do.  I think answering some of the questions I've presented might help us better understand some of these possible scenarios that could potentially play out in all of this.  Depending on the answers, we might be able to give other recommendations on how to handle this involuntary soap opera you are currently starring in.

-- Modified on 7/12/2004 5:36:17 AM

bank22748 reads

If your are "sure" she doesn't recognize you, you should opt out of her services, I dont know what your excuse will be if your wife likes her, (maybe that you are attracted to her) that might do it. I would just not open up that can of worms, to much at stake.
Even is her name starts with "S" who I think is very trustworthy, I just wouldn't go there.

My 2 cents..

SirPrize3017 reads

Simply call the girl, nicely explain that you have found out what she does for a living (no need to explain how), and you would feel uncomfortable having her as a nanny.

Explain that you would prefer to keep it quiet for her sake and that the best thing is for her to simply call your wife and say that she will be unable to take the job.

I'm sure she doesn't want anymore trouble than you do.

I'm sorry this is happening in your real life but all I can think of, is that if I had never joined TER, I never would have had the pleasure of reading this.  Oh yeah, and then there's the beautiful women too.  But they're secondary.  The stories!  Oh, the stories...

Since I'm replying anyway, I guess I'll chip in.  I think it unlikely she's try to blackmail you.  It's not uncommon for providers to know their clients' identities, and their discretion can almost always be relied upon.  That said, I realize "almost always" isn't good enough for some guys, so they will systematically deny this information to providers (thus limiting the selection of providers that are available to them).  But even if you have adopted the policy of maintaining anonymity with providers, doesn't mean that a single exception (and what an exception it is!) has to be disaster.  If you remain anonymous with MOST of the girls, you're still covering your ass as a GENERAL rule.  So you're outed to ONE person.  BFD.  And on top of that, she's been outed to you too.

If I were in your shoes, I would schedule a session and tell the provider about the amazing coincidence.  After we had a great laugh together, I'd tell her that, obviously, that one nanny job is something that just isn't going to work out.  She'll calls your wife and say something came up and she won't be available, and that's that.

You can continue to see her as a provider, and I would take her to the movies when the script that you're going to sell, gets the silver screen treatment.

Register Now!