Constructive criticism is good criticism. Or pop in a few movies and casually mention what you like. "Honey you'd look so hot doing that" It's a request disguised as a compliment! She may not say yes at first but I guarantee she will consider it later. Unless you are one of my clients. If you are don't do it it's a horrible idea. lol
I posted that things have been so much better between me and my wife since I started hobbying. The resentment is gone about our dull sex life and I have been very nice to her and she is also nice to me. No more fights. The problem is that now that I am being provided for by experts, it is becoming difficult for my wife to get me hard and even more difficult for me to come with little or no foreplay from her. With a provider I can have almost 50 nonstop minutes of multiple positions, licking, stroking, BBBJDT, DFK before I come. Is there some way for me to do something to be more sensitive there to make me come more easily when I am with my wife? I can't even fantasize during sex anymore because I am living out my fantasies physically and no longer just in my dreams. Any ideas?
Actually, I think about my ATF when I'm with my wife.
It would seem to be a win/win as most gals like that too.
The only downside I can see is that she may ask you where you have been picking up these ideas all of a sudden.
Since you are getting yours and don't "Need" it. Why not try a session that is just for her. Great her with a warm saopy bubble bath, candles, soft music, etc.
Caress and wash her all over, no sex though...let it build.
Wrap her in a big fluffy towel and lead her to the bed and give her a full body message, don't forget the feet and hands. Give her body soft kisses and caresses from head to toe.
Why not try to be the erotic coutesan for her, give her everything and ask for nothing. I think you may be able to make her come once or twice , on occassion without getting anything in return. Perhaps it will pay dividends eventually.....
Perhaps the romance is just gone for her...give it back to her and maybe, just maybe it will come back to you too.
foodcritic, this is such good advice. I have done this on many occasions where she gets pampered and seduced and comes once or twice and then we start into my part and she rubs me once or twice with the back of her hand and that is my foreplay. She recently asked if I wanted to watch porn with her (she isn't into it but she thought it would get me going). I told her I was only interested in watching porn with oral sex and Russian (she is nicely equipped to handle that). She seemed enthusiastic at the time but the next time we were together even though I subtly reminded her of what turns me on, she just ignored it and again I couldn't get off. Then she was upset at that as she was once again satisfied and I was not. Maybe LG has some ideas. I am a really good husband and do "court" her and make her feel special. As I get older it just seems to take more to get me off than the old days but I think that is normal. Her routine didn't change, my body did. That is why I was wondering if there is something that would make things feel more intense and get me off sooner. During the act she will rub me for a second, I will tell her how good that feels and she will stop. I am just not sure how to communicate to her. My first provider told me that to fully experience our time I had to tell her what I liked and how things felt. I am pretty good at that now but again I changed but she didn't. LG help me, you have such wisdom.
-- Modified on 11/15/2008 11:37:00 AM
Dang, the badass,
the answer's right in here: "As I get older it just seems to take more to get me off than the old days but I think that is normal. Her routine didn't change, my body did. That is why I was wondering if there is something that would make things feel more intense and get me off sooner. During the act she will rub me for a second, I will tell her how good that feels and she will stop. I am just not sure how to communicate to her. "
My suggestion is to tell her exactly this. Plainly and simply. This is one of those "male sexuality" issues that Masters and Johnson had down so beautifully in their book "Human Sexual Inadequacy." Women sometimes expect their menfolk to go on forever, like the Energizer bunny. And when it doesn't happen, the ladies will think "gee, I'm not attractive to him anymore!" And that sets up a really bad scenario. Hence, you are totally absolved and excused.
You will need to tell her to change her routine because "your body changed." I wish I could print out that chapter from M&J's book which talks about sex in aging couples (heck, we're ALL aging from day 1, but you know what I mean). In their treatment protocol in St. Louis during the 1960s, they would have older couples "rediscover" their bodies again. And I think that's just fabulous...and that's what you both have to do. And I don't think she'll mind changing her routine if she really loves you and wants to be with you.
So you need to cut out that passage, change the pronouns to "you" and "I" and you're good to go. TALK, TALK, TALK then DO, DO, DO. M&J did sensate focus training where couples would go into a very cozy, romantic, safe space, just the man and the woman, and then each person would take the other person's hand and guide him/her gently. In other words, you'll both excite "you," and that way she'll know to continue. And then, you remove the training wheels. If it's BBBJ, tell her that you're older and take longer. My God, if she has no empathy or understanding for that, then I don't know. And of course, that puts you in a position of vulnerability, which most women can relate to. So go ahead, tell her exactly what you just now wrote, and see where it goes...
Good luck,
the Love Goddess
I have so much respect for your knowledge and wisdom on these issues (both of you) that I going to go to the edge of that sexual cliff and jump off confident that your advice will break my fall and allow me a safe landing. I think I am getting the benefit of years of psychotherapy between this hobby and this message board. I can't thank you all enough and I am sure I will be back to the well soon enough for more give and take on this forum. This midlife stuff is crazy, I was a dork loser when I was younger and just as I got some self confidence I got married in my late 20s. I had almost no experience with women. One day I woke up and decided that there was no way that I was going through my whole life without experiencing all that is out there that I never had the chance to do. Sex is just one aspect of that. Trying exotic foods, traveling the world, perfecting world class cooking techniques, the world is my oyster and I am at a point where I can afford to and am fit enough to fully enjoy the experience. A year ago I even began learning a serviceable number of Japanese phrases to use on my trip to Japan. All with my wife who comes along but plays it safe and does not cook or try exotic cuisine but still we have a great time together.
Yup, thebadass,
Congratulations to having a wonderful sex life! As to the situation with your wife, well, I don't think that YOU can do anything with your own body to be more "sensitive there." The most sensitive sex organ we have is the brain...and yours is clearly elsewhere...and who can blame it, with all the action you're getting.
The thing is, poster "foodcritic" may be on to something, although women are so individual that one never knows what will turn them on/off. So I'd say if you want to get more excited, you'll have to get HER more excited. And I have no idea what turns her on. One way of finding out is actually TALKING about sex with her, very frankly. Pretend you're a detective on a mission - what turns her on? What fantasies does she have? Can they be acted out? What is her innnermost wish when it comes to sex? The thing is, SHE needs to feel that she's in charge sexually, and that she is turned on. Believe me, if she gets turned on immensely, totally, you'll be turned on too. But if her reaction to sex is ho-hum, then yours will be also.
Of course, it could be that she's just not that into it. It does happen to many women...childbirth, menopause, the Pill, stress, all sorts of things affect a woman's delicate sex drive. It's nothing to brag about in the first place, so when it's low, it's never a match for a male who's firing on all testosteronic cylinders. And if she just can't go beyond the obvious and doesn't WANT to go anywhere else, whether in her fantasies or in reality, then...I guess you're screwed...by someone else, LOL.
Hope it works,
the Love Goddess
The problem you describe may not be entirely caused because you're seeing escorts. Rather, it may just be that the escorts are providing you with a good example of what a man your age actually needs in terms of physical stimulation in order to reach arousal- things your wife isn't doing.
I remember you once posted you were 53 (I'm a few years older). When I was around 50 I also started experiencing similar problems with a GF that made me think I was losing it too. She was a beautiful woman and never had to do much in terms of developing her lovemaking skills beyond showing up and getting naked. But now she was in her late 40's and having sex with a guy in his 50's, but she still expected me to turn myself on somehow, while I was busy doing things to get her in the mood. Needless to say, it just wasn't working anymore.
It may be a good time to buy (and conveniently leave laying around the bedroom) a book called "How To Make Love To A Man Over 50," by Barbara Keesling, Ph.D.
The premise of this particular book is that male sexual arousal/response changes as we age, and women have to recognize the fact that the automatic 24/7 erection isn't going to be there after age 50. In other words, they have to learn how to stimulate their partners differently than they did when they were younger.
While I don't disagree with the other suggestions on this thread about you also making a special effort to turn her on, I think she needs to understand that she has to do some things as well, and that the days of her just taking off her bra and expecting you to have an erection magically appear are over. She now needs to more actively participate in getting you aroused prior to sex (and even during), and also allow more time for your arousal to build.
Of course, good communication and patience are key so that she understands your needs have changed. It's easy to get complacent over time, but since mediocre sex in a marriage can quickly turn to no sex, you shouldn't ignore the issue.
BTW, I'm being moderated so by the time my posts show up everyone else has already said the same things. When I wrote this, nobody else had responded yet. It makes me look foolish and also like I'm stealing everyone's ideas- something I would never do.
-- Modified on 5/1/2008 2:01:51 AM
Actually everybody has contributed really good advice and none of it is the same. I just bought the book, it is on the way. That may make a difference along with all the other ideas.
Thanks
Constructive criticism is good criticism. Or pop in a few movies and casually mention what you like. "Honey you'd look so hot doing that" It's a request disguised as a compliment! She may not say yes at first but I guarantee she will consider it later. Unless you are one of my clients. If you are don't do it it's a horrible idea. lol