I wish I could have a relationship with a man who understood my view on what I do. Its impossable. Broke up with a man whowas perfect all but the fact that he was not going to be able to accept my thinking on this.
I feel it's totally seperate from Our relationship and what seperates it is that little envelope. I don't feel I was cheating. I, the me he knows wasn't. Nicole however, who is also me is not in a relationship. I know maybe I am just trying to justify it all to myself to make myself feel better but I don't think so.
I would never just have an affair I would see THAT as cheating. I do not flirt or carry on with anyone outside this profession. Aside from this I see mysellf as being faithful.
I feel Our relationship is based ona deeper Love a deeper connection and do not feel this has anything to do with that.
Of course he would never see it that way. To keep from getting discovered, I ended it. It wasn't fair to him really, I know this. I had never expected to more than "date" this man. I never expected to fall so deeply in Love with him. So I never intended on disclosing what I do.
Before I knew it, it was too late. I was deeply in love with him and didn't want to walk away.
I also love what I do, and the moneys great and can't right now afford to walk away. Two high school kids in braces and one in an expensive college. I once told him he was 2yrs too late and 4yrs too early.
He thought I meant too late by I was missing this in my life for a long time. Too early he thought I meant I was unable to move in with him til the kids are all out of school.
What I really meant was, if I had met him b4 I entered this biz at that time 2 yrs prior I never would have done this. By 4 yrs too early I meant aside from the kids in school I was in this business by my business plan for another 4yrs. I regret it all has hurt him, well he doesnt know any thing really. Now that would hurt him too deeply for me to ever want for him. I wish I hadn't gotten so deeply involved. But I did and walking away b4 he figured it out was for both of us the best thing.
This is never anything he could agree with and it was somewhat selfish on my part to continue. I just couldn't walk away.
Now how do I settle my mind to not miss him. I guess time will do that for me. He has a very sad outlook on this business and to be totally honest with him even if I quit at one point, he would never see it my way. I guess in the long run, do I really want to be with someone who looks down on something I see as so Sensual and Intimate. I see we will never see it the same way. It will always feel like he is judging me.
Sorry...heres my question..so LG what is your take on this...(am I losing my mind?)
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My dear sweetnicole1,
No, you are not losing your mind. In fact, it's working very well, judging by the self-analysis and the thoughtful assessment you've given of the situation.
As to why you believe he'll never accept this...you probably already know that feelings of physical jealousy run very deep in men. It's encoded in their DNA, and it's evolutionarily sound..otherwise, they would forever wonder about their paternity and hence they would not be motivated to protect their offspring...hence the desire to curtail the female's sexual activity with other males, in order not to get cuckolded.
Another thing is that people in general have a very difficult time understanding what it's like to work as a provider. Many people out there have very uncomfortable relationships with their bodies. As a provider, you need to feel totally OK with disrobing in front of strangers, touching their body parts, admitting them inside you, etc. etc. To many people, they picture the provider as giving up control of her body, hence the image of being violated or otherwise intruded upon for money. Of course it's not really like that, but with the media out there making prostitution into some kind of physical slavery that takes place in horrendous surroundings, it's to be expected. And, paradoxically, while most men out there wouldn't mind sleeping with a sexy girl, a fair amount get feelings of revulsion when they think of OTHER men touching her...and, especially if there is a paying relationship involved.
Also, because men need to be truly attracted to a woman to get erect, they have difficulty understanding that it's not the same for a woman who is having a sexual encounter with someone as a profession. They don't understand that a woman can truly titrate her sexuality and still participate fully from a physiological standpoint. So when you say that you don't feel like it's cheating, to him, that's exactly what it is. He can't understand that women are in control of their sexual feelings and can modulate them by sheer will. That sort of thing is difficult for a man on a purely physical level.
It's very hard to lead a double life, and I do give you credit for wanting to be honest with him. But you take big risks when you expose a relationship to the truth, and perhaps you believed that he couldn't handle it - and sadly, most men couldn't. On the other hand, are you absolutely sure that he wouldn't understand a glimmer of what the problem is here? You're probably right in that he'll never understand that you love what you do...but maybe he'll understand the money aspect of it?
If not, then yes, time heals all wounds. The double-life thing is very, very difficult and few are the providers who are able to lead it. One thing you can do (and which I believe you do already) is to realize how much in control you truly are...of your feelings, of your destiny, of your situation. That is a big privilege, considering that you probably wouldn't make this kind of money with such little responsibility in a legitimate job. Were you an attorney or a physician, your salary would come with huge malpractice insurance, licensing requirements, etc. This way, you are pretty much free as a bird and still earning a comparative living (I hope!) So this is probably the worst disadvantage - the tradeoff that means difficulty in reconciling your job with your personal love life.
If I had one advice for you, perhaps it would be not to cut things off to spite your feelings, if you know what I mean. I understand that it's always easier to walk away than to be walked away from, but if he really, really loves you, he won't just walk away from you. He's probably very confused and wounded now - just like you. If you care, take a chance. Maybe meet again and tell him why. The worst thing he can do is say that he'll never see you again, but at least you will have come clean to him...if that is what you truly desire.
My best wishes,
the Love Goddess
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-- Modified on 4/6/2008 11:34:59 PM
I believe he does truely love me. Some people are not capable of loving without possesion completely. He is one of them. I managed to keep what I do hidden from him for mostly a yr. It was complicated, but if I was to tell him, he would lose all trust in me. I can't see that being ok. The jealousy would drive him off the deep end. I can't imagine how the "How was your day at work hon" conversation would go. I don't think I want to go there. There are few who have a health outlook on this when their partner is involved. The dynamics of the relationship changes and you need to be secure in yourself to be able to process it all. Not many are. Like LG said...men don't work that way for the most part.
Nicole
-- Modified on 4/7/2008 6:04:06 AM
Thanks I appreciate your aspect.
Come clean with him...there's a problem. You know there are few, who understand the psychological ins and outs of this business.
He does not. Like I said, he has very little respect, if any for the woman who work in this business. It has come up as different topics over time, with the news and all, and he sees them all as trash. If I were to tell him it would hurt him so deeply. I have a healthy and comfortable outlook about my sexuality, and I celebrate it really. I appreciate what I do, and love it. The connections I have made over time ect... His view on this only makes me feel like he would judge me very harshly.
I believe he doesn't understand how I feel about it. How could he. I had such a different outlook before I entered this biz as well. The only ones who seem to understand are the ladies and my clients who know first hand what this is really all about. To try to explain how it can be very passionate and sensual, how there are great bonds built over time. How it isn't just or even mostly about the sex but rather the connection.
Some people never understand that.
I would not be comfortable with his understanding of the $$ aspect alone. That would come across as I was settling for this. Like I feel trapped in a way. Thats not what its like for me at all! It is so intertwined into who I am and what I am all about, I don't want him to think I didn't choose this but got stuck here. I am by no means a victim of my situation, but rather creator of choices. I did not jump blindly into this by any means and I really put a great deal into what I do. I appreciate my time with the Gentlemen I see. I feel enlightened and richer for it in more ways than just financial. It has benefited me greatly in my life to have some of the nicest men for whom I concider, some to be my friends.
So to just let him see the $$ of it all...I would not agree with that. I love what I do and have never been a victim of it but rather a benefactor of the great connections I have had the priviledge to make. ( and the $$ aint half bad either) lol
I think to walk away with him knowing something is up, but not what, was the best thing for both of us. To tell him I believe would crush him. I do not want to hurt him any deeper than I already have. It was extremely selfish of me, and I know I never gave him the choice about what I do and if he wanted to be involved. I know that was wrong. There is a great deal of risk in this biz even if you are careful, and it was unfair to hide that from him.
Lessons learned I guess. I feel as though I will miss him forever. I will just have to deal with this and move on. I am a pretty strong woman, I will be ok.
I am glad you don't think I am losing my mind...I wonder sometimes! Thanks for your advice...
Nicole
-- Modified on 4/7/2008 7:10:22 AM
I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who despises this business either. I don't know.. I feel that whether I'm in the biz or not, we would have differences in our values anyway. You will undoubtedly miss him, but keep yourself busy and like LG said, with time, you'll be ok.
I will miss him this is true...yet I can't see spending anymore time with someone who devalues what I see as something very Intimate. It feels as though if I were to tell him he would have no respect for me as well. And I'm not ok with that, I can't have it. We see things differently and thats ok but not in a relationship should there be so much difference in values.
I agree, that's why you may be better off without him. It's not healthy to be with someone who differs in core values. You need to take care of yourself first.
I wish you joy & happiness.
S
-- Modified on 11/14/2008 4:54:10 PM
Oh yah I agree...I had concidered it but not quite there yet. If this relationship had progressed more I may have. I can honestly say though, I know I am not ready. I may have dropped out of sight but my regulars I probably would still have seen them. It's not the right time for me, and maybe he's not the right man. If it is meant to happen it will and if not....
Nicole
She said, "If I had one advice for you, perhaps it would be not to cut things off to spite your feelings, if you know what I mean. I understand that it's always easier to walk away than to be walked away from, but if he really, really loves you, he won't just walk away from you. He's probably very confused and wounded now - just like you. If you care, take a chance. Maybe meet again and tell him why. The worst thing he can do is say that he'll never see you again, but at least you will have come clean to him...if that is what you truly desire."
In my case, I am a widower who has been involved in the hobby and I met an escort at a M&G in Las Vegas. We were attracted to each other and became emotionally involved. Although I didn't meet her as a client and knew from the beginning what she did (so there was never "There's something I haven't told you" to deal with) I found myself experiencing emotions at odds with my belief that I didn't have any problems with what she did. However, even though I don't think at this point that anything is going to come of the relationship, I'm not sorry I got involved.
LG's explanation in a previous thread about the difference between physical fidelity and emotional fidelity was very helpful to me. I would agree that if your boyfriend doesn't understand that difference there is little hope of him being able to accept your position.
Also, as I discovered, a relationship doesn't exist in a vacuum. There are friends and family on both sides. The situation gets complex pretty rapidly if your lives merge to any significant degree.
Going back to your situation, if you tell him you are an escort you lose control--and (if I am reading your post correctly) control is important to you. At present, since he doesn't hobby and doesn't know he knows any escorts the matter of escorting is all theoretical to him. By telling him you are an escort it suddenly becomes personal. By accepting you he has to give up a lot of his belief system. That isn't easy. You don't believe he would do it. You know him and are probably right. Whether you are right or wrong, once you have told him you become more-or-less a bystander to his internal struggle. Whatever the outcome there is likely to be a great deal of short-term pain for both of you.
I tend to think that living is like running a white-water river. Once in a while we get to make a decision that really matters. Most of the time we are simply reacting to what is thrown at us and attempting to stay afloat.
I wish you well. Speaking as a male who has been emotionally involved with an escort I can testify that these are not the easiest relationships in the world to make work.
-- Modified on 4/7/2008 10:47:37 PM
thank you so much I agree with your insight.
No he will never be ok with this and I know I am not ready to let go of it. I love what I do and don't want to be forced into a corner to make a chage that is not my choice. By all I know about him, he may say he is ok with it but he really isn't. In the long run it will destroy anything we had and I think its best to stop it now before it does ruin a once wonderful relationship. Its just not the right time for me. I am not even sure I could be his kind of Faithful at this point in my life. A clean break is better than shattered one as I see it.
i am sorry that your relationship has ended. 
there is so much stigma surrounding this profession.
all i can tell you is that there ARE wonderful men out there who understand that this is a profession, and not a statement about their abilities as men or their place in our hearts. my boyfriend and i have only been together for 10 months but he is very accepting and encouraging of what i do because he realizes how it can benefit our family.
i'm not sure if it makes any difference, but we are polyamorous--so that may have something to do with how accepting he is. *i* have more trouble with jealousy and insecurity than he does!
at any rate... *hugs* i know you can find love!
Nicole, you've stated so many things in such an insightful and mature manner. I admire you. I wanted to post something that I've kept printed and taped to my cabinet door for a long time now, since my marriage ended. It's a quote from a site I subscribed to, called Meditations for Women.
"Being accepted is a requirement in all relationships. Nobody wants to be with someone who rejects them for what they believe, or judges them for certain traits of their personality. You're entitled to your own decisions, beliefs, goals, etc. When someone truly loves you, they love the whole package you come in. This includes the physical you, the emotional you and the dreams and values that come along with YOU. After all, that's the true beauty of being an individual. And, the one you choose to be with should be grateful."
Best of luck to you. I know how much it hurts now...... time will make it better. You are NOT losing your mind!
Kat
To Everyone who has had kind words and great advice I appreciate it all.
I does hurt more than I expected. I am struggling through this and I will be ok I know this. I am a strong person. Thank you again for your kindness...It is always so appreciated in such a Sincere way. I am so touched.
xoxox
Nicole
well not much to miss at this point...He has become a total Asshole to me. He is beyond what I expected. Not a threat just hurtful. He has gone out of his way and been such a jerk, I won't miss that. I have no issue with moving on now>>>>>>>
Again, thanks everybody,
Nicole
Hi Nicole
It sounds like he is expressing his feelings of rejection and hurt via the anger and wounding method. He may also feel very confused because he has no idea why you left him- and you don't feel comfortbale telling him. Undoubtedly, the 'something's not right' feeling has persisted throughout the relationship-- because something wasn't right. You were not being truthful with him because you couldn't be. Which actually brings me to what I wanted to say to you. We all deserve to be with someone who accepts us for who we are (at least to a great degree). He couldn't accept you and it seems that you couldn't accept him. The only way the relationship worked was through a lie and a fantasy. What it sounds like is that you have a 4-year plan and what is important to you is your dedication to your work. There is nothing wrong with that and the motivation is good. No different than if you were in a residency for medicine or writing a book or whatever; it is the time in your life for you to work hard. Maybe, the relationship was really just entertainment and a break from your busy day and the kids. That is why love could still blossom despite the inability to share yourself completely and truthfully; it was a vacation from reality. I agree with other posters- I don't think thisis going to be as difficult to get over as you think. I also agree with LG- you need to tell him sometime. Not for yourself- for him. He doesn't deserve to be 'wondering why' forever. He didn't do anythign wrong in the relationship and it probably is driving him crazy.
You are right about a great deal of what you said and I agree. But can't tell him it would be too hurtful for him. He is better off thinking it's the lack of trust that has pushed me away. I think he in general is not a very trusting person, so even if I was Really just at work he would be leary as well. And he wants more of my time than I have to give so it was begining to unravel anyway, I just needed to step back from it for a while to see it more clearly.
As for his nasty rude behavior since, well if there was ever a chance I would want to even befriend him after this...there isn't now. He has lost it and I don't ever want to talk to him again. This is a man who claims he was in love with me, I know I can't treat someone I love that way. Even if we were to part ways. It is clear to me he has seen me as a possesion and not a person for whom he loved. He has shown how little respect he has for me so thats that. I see its a reaction to it all ending but theres sorrow and theres rage and I will not allow anyone to treat me that way as I would not treat anyone that way either. Its just not nessisary. Its mean spirited and cold. I wish this had a different ending for both of us and it could have been civil, but he doesn't want it that way. If he can't have me, he must then hate me. Some people are just like that. I didnot ever see this side of him, I fell in love with a man who was kind and sincere and for that I adored him ,so now I feel so devistated by it. I also know that is his objective as well. To make me feel as bad as he feels. Any way...Thank you all. (I will be ok in time)...
Nicole
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oh you are so sweet. All thats left of this now is the ashes. I knew going into this I was risking a great deal. I am not so surprized it didn't work out. I was hopeful, but as I said, stepping back now for more than a week...I have had time to reflect and things have come so much clearer for me. We were good, no great for about 9months, then he started to change and it had nothing really to do with what I do but more to do with his being possesive. If I wasn't hiding something I would probably not have put up with alot that I did. I believe I was overcompensating for my secret.
He has no respect for this business or the woman in it. I can't see myself allowing that in my life, its just bad karma, knowing how I feel about what I do. Its too much negative energy and its hurtful. I see him for who he really is now and that is Not the man I fell in love with. I am happy in general, just healing. Thank you again...Nicole