The Erotic Highway
Hmmm, alwaysconfused,
Now that we've got the ATF situation under control on The Erotic Highway, the health risk question is rapidly becoming the problem du jour.
I keep yammering away about personal risk assessment, taking responsibility, weighing the ecstatic with the potentially dismal, etc. And still, these issues keep cropping up. I'm beginning to believe it's part of the philosophical human dilemma for so many..that indecision, that fear, that guilt. And maybe it's a good thing, what do I know? I've got the morals of a peanut. All I ask is that people stay away from animals and children...the rest is perfectly acceptable in my book. Sigh. I'm an amoral therapist...and here you are, asking a perfectly "moral" question.
I'm also not entirely sure about your post. What are you worried about? HIV? Syphilis? Gonorrhea? Chlamydia? Herpes? If you do everything covered, including using a dental dam for DATY, the risks are fairly slim. And what are you feeling guilty over? Hobbying? OK, fine, get a divorce, toss your family over a cliff, and then you won't have them to worry about, LOL. In all seriousness, however, no one, not even moi, can tell you what to do on these issues. YOU MUST DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. That is paramount, my friend, way more important than the actual deed. Making decisions, standing by them and living by the consequences, whatever they may be - that's living an authentic life. Accept no less.
As to how to interpret these conflicting feelings, I think you've done an excellent job of looking inward and tapping your true self. So, in this case, just keep going. If the feelings of fear and guilt become overwhelming, cancel the provider. No good will come out of being nervous and filled with anxiety, unless that's your thing, of course. Some people operate better under pressure...even in bed 
.
As to contacting others about someone's potential disease factor, now that's something I wouldn't necessarily do. Unless a person is under supervision 24/7, all you're operating on are past statistics. Of course, that's better than nothing...but in your case, apparently that didn't help. You've still got that pit in your stomach.
One piece of advice I can give you is not to make your hobbying experience full of such build-up. You could pick someone not so high profile, maybe just a FBSM lady without the intimidating cachet. Maybe just a nice girl next door who doesn't have that many reviews but is just that? A nice girl who likes to have some fun? Someone closer to home? Not so high-flyin'? Cheaper but still rockin'? Can you feel the tension leaving your body? [insert spacy theremin-music here]
What I am trying to say is that the more this becomes such a build-up, the more anxiety it causes. Honestly, I believe that the happiest hobbyists are the quickie lunch bunch. Of course, they rarely visit this board [heck, they're busy getting their wicks dipped so they can go home at night and be normal with the wifey], but man, those guys are pretty rare in the conflict department. They treat the providers nicely and fairly, but they don't make a little extra nookie on the side their life's dilemma. They just wanna fuck with regular frequency and that's it. As to guilt feelings, well, that all depends. If a wife won't have sex for weeks/months on end, or plain refuses to enjoy herself...what's a guy to do? As to the rest of "the family," unless they're involved in your sex life, I wouldn't include them in your guilt feelings just yet. The day you give away the milk money to a provider, or fritter away your vacation pay, that's when I'd start worrying about the kids.
My whole point with all this is that in order to hobby happily, you need to be a great rationalizer in the guilt department, not too much of a moralist when it comes to "family values", and somewhat of a risk taker when it comes to having sex with strangers. Granted, you can titrate the risk - no full service, everything covered, etc., but the feeling that you are doing something wrong needs to go away. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend this sport at all.
Just my 2 depraved cents,
the Love Goddess
-- Modified on 4/17/2008 10:14:53 PM
And I for one, would take your morals out on a night on the town anytime. 
But on to business here.
I think I can relate to this gentlemen. It's the old: "unstoppable force meets immovable wall, or hammer into anvil" problem.
I suffered from these same pangs for years before finally succumbing to this side, and boy am I ever glad I did.
What you need, fine sir, is a mantra to settle your nerves. Something that you can repeat to yourself over and over until you become one with the object of your desire.
It doesn't have to be long or in Chinese, just something germaine and to the point.
Mine?: "Long time dead"
That was the ticket for me.