I have no trouble with guilt. That may be a terrible thing but I don't.
I feel what I do in this business, is Nicole and seperate from what I do in my real life, thats just me. It sounds weird but it seems to work for me. For my mental health that is.
I was in this business b4 I was in a relationship so I think that played a part in it as well. If I were in the relationship first, well I would feel guilty and would most likely not be here then.
In any relationship there is a sense of resopnsability and if you feel you owe it to be honest, the whole trust deal, you may want to think it through. Read down a few threads and see how just a little over a week ago my not being honest about what I do basically sandbagged a pretty good relationship. It was not strong enough to handle this. I can but not everyone sees this all the way I do. And my Now Ex obviously didn't. More details below if you want to know.
You have to be comfortable with your decissions and if you choose to illude...Believe me...it ain't easy. It is so damn complicated. You will find yourself lieing about even the most simple of things like...what do you do for a living> Where have you been? Why was your phone off> why do you need 2 phones? On and On.
So you need to be comfortable with what ever choice you make and enough to live with the consiquences either way as well. it is unfair of us to decide for another, if you are concerned about risk, you may want to give them the choice as well. I didn't but it may be the best choice for you. thats how I feel anyway.
Good luck
Nicole
-- Modified on 4/9/2008 5:11:25 PM
i ask because, while my primary partner knows about my profession, none of my other partners, and especially my secondary partner, do not. i find myself wracked with guilt and with worry. i try to be as safe as i can... but what if i were to give them something?
i am not really asking for advice to stop seeing any of my other partners -- because i am being a very selfish person, especially with my secondary partner, and i know that. it's very rare that i'm dishonest with anyone... so i am struggling with this.
all i really want to know is -- have you struggled with feelings of guilt before? is there anything you are able to do to combat them, or are they pretty much normal and unstoppable? sigh...
Dear butterflydust,
Perhaps you are not asking others as much as you are asking yourself about the aspect of being true and fair in this situation. As to guilt feelings in general, yes, they are "pretty much normal." Are they unstoppable? They can be, depending on a person's individual character and genetic makeup.
If it's any help to you, think of it this way: there is clearly a reason for WHY you are not making the disclosure. You have disclosed to your first partner - and by the way, does the first partner know about the secondary partner? Does the secondary partner know about the first?
Like most interactions in a life lived with others, disclosure is a two-way event. If you assume "emotional responsibility" for the entire process, then yes, you will indeed feel guilty. But please remember that there are some people who, while they do want to spend time with you, only want you to be a certain way. They can't accept some of your shortcomings or actions.
In the case of prostitution, we have all been brainwashed in our society to see this as a moral failing - and particularly so if the prostitute is not suffering deeply, but is actually ENJOYING herself AND making money in the process. This is seen by many as totally depraved - not only is she having fun, but she is having fun AND making money in the process! The level of envy and resentment is HUGE, both among men and women. That is one reason for why there isn't much research on high-end providers. No one wants to know about happy, successful providers because there is nothing to pity and no one to feel secretly superior to. At least streetwalkers oftentimes are on drugs or have other misfortunes which have caused them to take to the streets. A woman with a choice - and she chooses to be a courtesan? The pox on her, think many. In addition, you've got the male DNA jealousy aspect to contend with.
So, the point is, that many partners would probably PREFER to see you in the light that they have chosen. Your primary partner obviously has overcome this [or was never affected in the first place] because s/he sees you for who you are and NEEDS you and your presence, independent of what you do for a living. The last point is very salient when it comes to men, because few understand that there is a difference between having sex professionally and privately [yep, there is a difference, even if minute.] Hence, when it comes to partners who we come to understand as unable to transcend THEIR OWN BIASES AND PREJUDICES, we do not tell them the truth. It's as much about you not wanting to lose him/her as it is about the person's inability to change his/her mind. I truly believe it would be different if you cheated on him/her for emotional love as opposed to working, but many people would not see it that way.
So when you begin to tap into your underlying guilt feelings, remind yourself that it's not because you DON'T WANT to tell the person..it's because the person would not be able to accept the truth. Look at the thread where "sweetnicole1" broke up with someone because she felt he couldn't handle the reality. Very interesting thread from start to finish. Would the ending have been different if she opened up to him and did tell him? Who knows. But please think of the disclosure process and the refraining from doing so as a two-way experience. There is always a reason for why people withhold in the face of another.
Hang in there,
the Love Goddess
Thank you, LG. My primary partner is aware of my secondary partner, they have met and we have all played together... we live together & are polyamorous.
Again... I thank you for your words. I can't say that they cured me of my guilt, but nevertheless, they made me feel a lot better.
hey LG...No there would have never been a relationship to this extent. My Ex is not capable of seeing this business the way I do and the Jealousy would have never allowed it. So Live n Learn...Mine was a tragic sad ending..not all are but mine was.
The person responsible for one's own health, be is sexual health or otherwise, is his or herself.*
*With a tip of the hat to Kornlover for the grammar correction.
-- Modified on 4/10/2008 5:38:45 AM
I have no trouble with guilt. That may be a terrible thing but I don't.
I feel what I do in this business, is Nicole and seperate from what I do in my real life, thats just me. It sounds weird but it seems to work for me. For my mental health that is.
I was in this business b4 I was in a relationship so I think that played a part in it as well. If I were in the relationship first, well I would feel guilty and would most likely not be here then.
In any relationship there is a sense of resopnsability and if you feel you owe it to be honest, the whole trust deal, you may want to think it through. Read down a few threads and see how just a little over a week ago my not being honest about what I do basically sandbagged a pretty good relationship. It was not strong enough to handle this. I can but not everyone sees this all the way I do. And my Now Ex obviously didn't. More details below if you want to know.
You have to be comfortable with your decissions and if you choose to illude...Believe me...it ain't easy. It is so damn complicated. You will find yourself lieing about even the most simple of things like...what do you do for a living> Where have you been? Why was your phone off> why do you need 2 phones? On and On.
So you need to be comfortable with what ever choice you make and enough to live with the consiquences either way as well. it is unfair of us to decide for another, if you are concerned about risk, you may want to give them the choice as well. I didn't but it may be the best choice for you. thats how I feel anyway.
Good luck
Nicole
-- Modified on 4/9/2008 5:11:25 PM
Could you imagine being a famous Shakespearian actor and having to feel guilty for being MacBeth everyday?
-- Modified on 4/10/2008 5:43:22 AM
I'm married to a woman that most men would consider a near perfect wife. Loving, supportive, sex is better than OK, smart, creative. When I was actively hobbying, it was pretty hard to deal with the guilt sometimes. I'd worked pretty hard to get my life to a place where I could be very open and honest and there were/are times i feel like a total dumbass for putting myself in a position in which i have to be dishonest. Yeah, i realize the dishonesty is partially because I'm too much of a chicken-shit to be totally honest. What can I say. Sometimes I'm a cowardly dumbass.